Crying is weird.
The idea that your internal emotions make you physically drip from your eyes is overwhelmingly odd to me that when I do cry it can sometimes make me angry. I haven’t cried in so long so when I cried randomly today while I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning I wanted to scream.
So why am I crying? What is making my internal self scream so loud that water drips from my eyes? That’s what I am trying to figure out.
Life hasn’t exactly been so peachy lately.
I am going through a separation with my estranged husband. I have slept with more men in the past 3 weeks then I have within the past 15 years. My work life is challenging yet very rewarding yet makes me want to pull my hair out. I am alone.
I’ll admit, writing “I am alone” did make me tear up. Is that why I am crying?
This weekend while I was on one of my wild escapades of “Manizing” I hung out with a guy who had a legit job, made me laugh uncontrollably, made me feel special, paid for EVERYTHING and in the bedroom could work me over like non-other. When he left, I was fine, as I always am when I ask them to leave my home at 3 am.
Waking up the next morning to more messages from random men after spending the night with a legitimately good person kind of made me sad. It’s making me realize that the path to what I want in life with or without someone is on somewhat of a hinged moment at this point in time.
Do I want that? Do I want the gentleman who will wine and dine me? Make me feel special and take care of me? The long-term guy who over time I will make loath because of weird shit that I can’t stand or he will loath me because I love to eat cake all the time? Do I want to put up with the fighting, the “not” fighting, the annoying habits, the jealousy, the thinking about this person all the fucking time and the unending “tired” that comes with a relationship?
Do I want to keep using guys for my own sexual gratification? The unattached thanks for coming over, thanks for the fun, please don’t call me later last kiss as they leave the house has worked well for me lately.
I am not a spry young woman anymore. I am not one that is confused about her career or what she wants for herself in life anymore. In that respect, I am doing very well for myself, but the idea of letting someone in again is scaring me a lot as well as the idea of realizing I am alone is scaring me as well.
So, why am I crying? These emotions are trying to get the best of me and I am definitely fighting them at every turn. I don’t know if I will ever figure out, which path I’d like to go down and in all honesty, a part of me is hoping that someone will decide for me. This is life, life is hard and my first world problem will not be the be-all end-all for me.