How to make friends at the beach
Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, I stumbled upon a beautiful piece of coastline north of San Francisco. The beach was sparsely populated with a variety of people having fun. It was 1976 and I was young and single, on my own. Freedom was in the air!
As I strolled down along the water, onto this lovely beach in my direction came a group of seven or eight young women, probably college classmates. Even better, the clothing rules were lax, and all of them had disrobed, some of them completely.
Oh, how I wanted to make friends with this group! But I didn’t have the slightest idea how to go about it without appearing the total creep. I mean, what were my options? I couldn’t just stand there and stare. I didn’t know any pickup lines, certainly none that would work on a nude beach. (“Got a match?” “Can I buy you a drink?” Sigh.) There wasn’t even a safe way to dress. If I took my suit off and approached the girls, that would be alarming. If I kept it on, that would be creepy.
So, I pretty much just pretended to ignore them, kept my head down, and walked past without so much as a smile or a “hi.”
Today it’s harder than ever for single males to make friends. Or at least riskier. The social inertia against sexual predators and creepy men is bulldozing the merely socially inept — men who don’t want to be creepy but just can’t help it. Collateral damage.
If you’ve ever felt like I did back then here are a few thoughts about what I’ve learned about making friends at the beach. And elsewhere.
Smile!
If you want to make friends, you have to look like the kind of person people want to be around. Be friendly and smile. Say hi and wave politely. Enjoy yourself and look like you’re having fun.
If you don’t want to make friends, look busy with your cell phone, don’t make eye contact, and never smile.
Bring a prop
One of the best friend-makers I ever met was a guy named Peter. He always had a toy or something that caught people’s attention. His kite was a favorite. He never failed to draw a crowd of curious onlookers with whom he could engage in conversation. That’s how we met, in fact.
If the place is pet-friendly, nothing works better to attract strangers than a puppy. Fly a kite. Play a guitar. Juggle. Bring an artist’s pad and draw. All those things draw interest, stir curiosity and may lead to someone coming over to open a conversation.
Have something to share
Bring something you can share like extra fruit or drinks in a cooler. An offer of food or water is virtually never inappropriate.
Look for an opportunity to offer a trade. (“Trade you an orange for a little sunblock?”)
Prepare a place for your new acquaintances to join you
Bring an extra towel or a blanket big enough to offer a place for someone to sit down near you comfortably, but not too close. Think ahead enough to plan for company by choosing a place with enough space for more people to join you.
Offer a helping hand
If someone is struggling to carry something, set up a beach umbrella, or blow up a mattress, offer assistance. “Can I help you with that?” is always appropriate.
How to open a conversation with a stranger
Even when there seems to be nothing to talk about, you can always start a conversation with a question. “So, who do you think enjoys the beach the most, men or women?” or “Are you a water person or a sand person?”
Frame the question in such a way as to get a narrative response rather than yes or no. You’re trying to start a conversation, not gather information.
Wrong: “Do you like this beach?”
Better: “What do you like about this beach?”
When approaching a group, talk to the safest person first, the person who seems to be more the center of attention. If you win the leader, you win the group. If you challenge the leader by trying to peel one of the members away, you’ll lose the group.
Show interest
Once you have engaged a stranger in conversation, stop talking about yourself and show interest in them. When you encourage others to talk about themselves, they will think you are the most interesting person in the world.
Introduce yourself early and anchor the other person’s name in your mind by using it.
Me: “My name is Lloyd, by the way.”
Other person: “I’m Susan.”
Me: “Well, Susan, this is my first time here. What do you like best about this place?”
What not to do
Don’t be too nosy or attempt to elicit private information like addresses and phone numbers right away.
Stay completely clear of sexual innuendo. No pick-up lines!
Don’t touch the other person without permission.
Be careful about complimenting women. Generally, complimenting a person on something they own is safer than on how attractive they are. “I like that hat!” is better than “You look fantastic!”
Avoid wearing sunglasses. Quiet, gawking men in sunglasses are creepy.
Dealing with rejection
Finally, expect rejection and ignore it. There are a thousand reasons why a person may not want to talk to you and most of them have nothing to do with you. Never take rejection personally. A stranger can’t possibly have an accurate idea of who you are as a person, so be forgiving if someone treats you rudely. Keep smiling.
I once saw a clip of Bill Clinton giving a speech. In the middle, someone in the crowd shouted, “Fuck you!” The former president stopped for just a second, smiled and said, “That was good. Give him a hand.” Clinton didn’t react to the insult and he totally owned the crowd after that.
Rejection is not just the price of reaching out to make friends, it is an opportunity to show poise and courtesy, two qualities people like in their friends.
