Accepting to love, again and again.
I accepted love to be my favorite topic. My favorite topic to think about, to write about, to worry about, to talk about. I LOVE love. Nothing keeps surprising me as much as love.
I started learning about love early. Instead of going for an ice cream with my friends after school, I would spend time with my boyfriend. I’d spend weeks with him without seeing anyone else. I risked missing school or missing a family event, just to be with him. But this was not love. That stage in my life was too early for me to be able to truly love someone, because I did not even love myself. I did not know myself. I did not know what I want, so I had to find out. I found out by dating idiots, snobs, potheads, rich sons, too old men, reflections of myself, reflections of my father. This is why I now know that loving someone before you love yourself is just a way of discovery, a way of starting a journey. And if you are someone like me, you will never stop this journey. No matter what your focus in life will, love will constantly be by your side and on your mind.
The journey of love — It sounds like a trip from A to B. A is the very start: You in your teenage years, having a crush on someone, being naive and blind and stupid and happy. But what is B? Is it sitting on a patio in a rocking chair next to someone you call “The one”? And how do you know that that person is “the one”? The answer is, we don’t, and B is no specific point in life, it does not follow the concept of time. B is when you know enough about love to love yourself and know how to be loved. Not everyone knows how to be loved, knows how to accept love, and knows that they are worthy of it. We will go through hell a couple of times, have our heart broken, break hearts, we will hate love, we will feel all the feelings, before we find the blessings that love brings us. And we will accept love as a way of discovering ourselves, and accepting love as a constant companion on our journey to B — whatever that exactly is.
I sometimes fell ashamed for falling in love again. I fell in love often and hard and poured all my heart and soul into a connection to a person who was absolutely not worth it … but I have learned! I don’t regret a second of it, because it has showed me what love can be, and what it can’t be. Love is dramatic and cruel, but it will make you learn. It can be painful and raw. Yes, there are many ways to learn without love, but in my case, it was love that teached me many things that my school or parents never teached me.
I sometimes feel like I am wasting my time with love. The truth is, I am learning more about myself, every second I spend with love.
And I am not talking about love like in a Taylor Swift song. I am talking about genuine love, to pour your heart into it, to make compromises, to change, to grow, may it be with a person or without. In the end, most of the biggest changes in my life were driven by love. The love for a different country. The love to a person. The love that I missed when growing up. Love makes up a huge part of my life, too big to be ignored.