There’s so many times I think I’d gone batshit crazy.

This time. Now, again.

I don’t have people to talk to (don’t even bother to use the word “a lot of”). After an “incident” in my life a few months ago, I purposely and willingly disconnect myself with all of my contacts from years of living and interacting as a human being. Now pretty much the person, the only person I talk to is.. “Mr. Alex”, let’s call him that. He is a lover, a partner, a friend and most importantly he’s real.

Ok. Good. Not. Yet. Crazy.

I confined in him about my problem.. However, at the moment.. I’ve forgotten that he’s on selfish and insensitive mode. Can’t really blame him. He gave me a heads up.

“Hey babe, for the next few months I’m going to be on my best SELFISH behavior, hope you understand. Cheers”

So, here I am.

It’s frustrating. Wanting to spill all the shit piling up inside your head to someone, but you don’t quite know how.. Then there’s the time you know what you want to say and have probably said it, but the other person didn’t quite listen..

So I left feeling fucked either way. Worse, I found myself lying in bed talking to MYSELF giving advice and consultation at 2:30 in the morning.

Thanked God for WordPress, Tumblr, and our friend here: Medium.

But then, I thought “this is personal”, “is this the right thing to do?”, or “should I just stick with the old fashioned journal writing?”.. But maybe, well.. Why the hell not!!!??

We want to feel useful. Contribute something. We want to have our lives to be meaningful.. “Sharing is caring”, they said..

Well, if what you share is everything but negative stories and none of those “how to be happy in 5 easy steps” kind of thing.. Do you still consider that as sharing is caring???? Is it still acceptable?????

I don’t know. Mostly I don’t care.

All I can say is: This is not sharing 101 how to make your life better from my ugly experience. This..is a confession, a ranting of an unstable and melancholy soul about her troubling mind in an unsettling world.. ’cause if she doesn’t do it, well- you know.. Batshit crazy.

Plus therapy is overrated, AND expensive. AND talking hurt my throat.

Signing out,

L.M.S.