Living in an Interracial Marriage

Confessions of a white girl in a Tongan world

There are obvious differences between me and my husband. He is 6'4" and I am 5'3", I am high-strung and always anxious about something and he is the go-with-the-flow and laid back type of dude. But the one difference that is the most obvious is our skin color. I am as white as they come (seriously like translucent)…blonde hair, blue eyes, full blown Scandinavian in my blood. My husband is Tongan with beautiful brown skin, jet-black curly hair, deep brown eyes and a heart of gold. Physically we are completely opposites — but emotionally we compliment each other very well. He calms my unnecessary storms and I anchor his wild dreams. Along with any marriage, there has been many adjustments. What I did not expect was how much it would affect who I am and the way people interact with me.

First of all, just my last name! It is Tongan so there are numerous vowels that don’t make sense together and once they hear how its pronounced, without fail I will get a comment. “Oh you don’t look like a Tongan” “Wow that’s not what I expected from you” “That’s an exotic last name from such a white girl” etc, etc. EVERY DAMN TIME! Like, you aren’t original or the first person to comment on it so please keep it to yourself.

Family gatherings are quite different on each side. Mine are smaller, more intimate with traditional meals like Turkey, Ham, potatoes, green beans (you know the Thanksgiving spread). At his families, we eat seafood. Even Salmon for Thanksgiving people, SALMON. Alongside his sisters, I stick out like a soar thumb — my white skin literally absorbing every piece of light in the room.

The most shocking has been some people’s complete lack of tact about it. To just put it into context for you, I’ll tell you a story of what happened to us when we were first dating. My now husband had taken me to a wedding in his hometown and we were having a blast laughing, dancing and congratulating the happy couple. We ran into an old church leader and she began to ask us how we met…we continued to tell her it was at school and we had mutual friends who introduced us. I could see the wheels turning in her head as she began to move her hands back and forth as if she were comparing something. After a moment longer she responds with: “Well that’s just so odd because you’re so light and you’re so dark” (Moment of awkward silence) Our eyes got really big, thinking — did she seriously just say that? How are we supposed to respond to that? She must have sensed the tension too because without even receiving a response she turned around and walked away.

Yes there are definite and obvious challenges but does that really matter? We love each other and that’s what makes it work. I think our generation has come so far with racial acceptance. I never realized how much tension there still is about the topic of race, until I became apart of a different one. I feel grateful for the perspective I have gained and I am beyond blessed to share this life with him. I will one day have beautiful brown babies and hope that acceptance and understanding has grown more and more with the generations to come.