Pearls of Wisdom Hidden in the Oysters of Idiocy, Clinging to Rocks of Faith Sitting on a Seabed of Infinite Despair on a Planet of Daydreams and Broken Hearts

This is the first line in the text you’re reading. It began with a single syllable word and you just kept going. Curiosity extends infinitely because it doesn’t sleep like the other mechanisms in your mental toolshed. Run baby run. It killed the cat but, so far, you’re still breathing, and no hairballs. So you’ve got that going for you.

And how nice would it be to shit in the box? To bury your waste with purpose, instead of flushing away your problems to an unknown, far away place. Let it be buried so that you may return to find it. Or maybe not. It escapes you every time. Good thing you’re full of shit.

It’s gotten you this far in life. 8th wonder of the world if you ask me. How we got here is less important than how you got here. You’re the Sphinx sitting in the middle of the Grand damn Canyon, sipping a mai tai and watching the fat tourists negotiate down narrow paths built for two types of asses. Lawsuits watch like buzzards on the edge, but the waivers won’t allow them to eat.

Another mai tai, please.

If the world could see you the way you see you then we would all be sitting on the same couch watching the same show wishing we could be more than you are in this moment. But at least you would have company.

The pleasantries of our enemies smell like dead flowers thrown in fresh trash. Crispy and wet like a prom date gone wrong. If it pleases the court then let them eat crow. It flies straight, except on windy days.

You can only milk a dead cow once, but you can cuddle with it for a little while longer. Judgment comes in the end. So pour your milk slowly, careful not to spill and maybe, just maybe, momma won’t cry.

If you could be only one thing, be two.

A world of infinite possibilities is waiting for you in a locked box around the corner. The key, you left at home. So which way do you go? Left is always the best answer. Or nine. It depends on which side of the road they drive in the country you live and the amount of dogs in the alley behind you. If one is black and another white, find a cat and let it shit in your box. But leave the cow. You’re not that lonely yet.

On Needing Help

Mornings are always the hardest but nothing like the nights when the mornings never come. It’s in those moments we reach out for those who pull away reaching for someone else. Be that someone else and reach back for the one who pulled away from them. It’s a dance where you don’t know the steps. But neither do they. The judges will never be onto you as long as you act like you’ve been there before and remember what it was like the first time. It won’t be your last.

If you really, really need someone to help you with your problems, find them. Without problems your friends cannot help you. It’s like eating soup with a fork, sitting cross-legged on a space shuttle, ready for take off. T-minus Sally needs a napkin. You’ll hold the whole thing up while everything goes sideways. But with people in your life, soups get eaten properly, I just can’t promise you’ll get any.

Needing help isn’t the first sign of wealth. Getting help, however, is the opposite of failure. It’s an excuse waiting to happen.

Imagine waiting on a train that never arrives. Who’s the fool in that scenario? The train conductor, of course. Because if you’re on the wrong track it’s not you who laid it. And always mind the third rail. It’s awkward if you don’t. Just don’t touch it. It’s awkward when you do.

People are like animals with two legs and nothing to do. Our incisors are insufficient in the wild. So we create focus groups to understand the inadequacies of our existence. If three people agree we should be doing more, then a fourth may be added. Just don’t yell Yahtzee in a crowded theater. Wait for a matinee showing towards the end of an extended run. You’ll be less likely to lose.

And if you find yourself holding the key to an open door be curious as to why you’re still standing there. Find a chair and wait. Someone will need that key to a door that’s not yet been opened. It won’t work but that’s for them to discover on their own. Your job is to figure out how to shut your own door. Pray for wind.

Mastering the usage of your own appendages takes time. Mastering the usage of other people’s appendages takes permission. If someone lends a hand, make sure it’s theirs to lend. Being a third party in the first could mean trouble in the second degree. And you don’t want to get caught holding the hand of the dead man who feeds you.

Looking a gift horse in the mouth isn’t the worst thing you could do. But don’t take your eyes off the gift he’s bringing. It could be a bomb. Watching his mouth could tip you off that he’s really an assassin. Beware the grin of the bomb-bringing gift-horse. And never ever jump on a grenade when you’re the only one in the room. Throw the horse on it.

It’s not the choice of those who come before us. They were pushed out the door and slapped on the ass just like you. So be kind to the pre-ass-slapped. You know the feeling and wish it weren’t as true. If everyone walks the same it’s because the floor is even. Find higher ground but stay under the radar. Together we can finish the three legged race, just make sure both parties know who owns the third leg before you cross the finish line. If a dispute remains in the end go back to the beginning and decided there. If no agreement can be reached take both legs from them for they have proven to have no use for things they cannot control.

It’s often been misquoted, but a bird in the hand is worth the bush in the other. Set it free and if it returns then you’ll know it’s a tumbleweed. The bird can fly wherever it wants.

Don’t blindly walk into a crowd of strangers. Say hello and smile and watch the reactions of those who are blind. They will not see you.

The least helpful person in a group is usually the one who needs the most assistance. But do not write them off. They’ve reached this place on their own and failing forward has its own rewards. You can learn from this. But don’t follow in their footsteps because you’ll then be walking backwards. Instead, step where you think they’re going next. If you’re wrong then you’re better off. If you guess correctly then at least you won’t be alone. Just be careful of their bird and their bush. Never confuse them for yours.

Groups come in many forms. They also come in a few forms. Sometimes, but rarely, they will come in one form.

If a drowning man reaches for you, be cautious in what he grabs. Harassment extends to international waters as well. If he is calm he may just be asking to dance. Everyone is entitled to a dance when they die.

Children need the most help in life because they cannot reach things. It is our mission to make life accessible to the short. Learning to read is optional. Therefore it is more important to focus on the height of our shelves rather than the books we place upon them.

There are people ahead and higher than us on the staircase of life. There are also people behind and lower on the same staircase. If it is an escalator remember that walking in the opposite direction is fun but you will be going nowhere and pissing off those around you.

If it’s possible, search out the less fortunate. If it’s not possible then be the less fortunate and wait on someone to find you. If they don’t it’s just as well. We can’t be dependent on people with such terrible locating skills.

Adopt a dog or one will adopt you.

Ultimately we are the answers to the questions no one knows. We are the keys to driverless vehicles. We are the lids that cannot be opened and our spirit is the mayo inside. Whether it gets spread or not isn’t our fault. Someone will probably want mustard anyway.

On Giving

Charity is a popular name for strippers because they want you to give. This is why Chastity hits the stage late in the evening.

Yes, it’s true the meek shall inherit the earth. But the rich will have built property on that earth, all of which doesn’t float, unless they are boat manufacturers. Only then shall both parties be in agreement.

Take a look around at what you own and where it sits. Is it sitting still or does it run around? Do you feed it or polish it? These are the questions our tax officials should be asking. The value of what you own is determined by the happiness given to others when it breaks.

Many religions put a dollar amount on what you should give to them in return for making you feel guilty for owning the rest. So find a religion that accepts guilt as a form of payment and dress like a pimp when you worship.

Give to those who don’t need it. If they already have more than enough then they probably need something to do. This is delegating responsibility. Steal from the ones they gave it to. This is the cycle of life.

If the wealth of a nation is determined by the sum of its parts make sure you own the biggest calculator. Numbers are like hips in their inability to lie. But they lack curves, except for the number eight which can never be trusted.

When the man on TV says God needs your money don’t question him. You can’t know the will of God or his gambling debts. But trust in his spokespeople with their shiny suits and big hair. The higher the hair the closer to Todd, the lighting guy in the rafters.

Excerpts from an upcoming release about nonsense.

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