This month marks a milestone for me. It has been six months since drastic events changed my life. Half a year ago my father died. Half a year ago I almost died. It has been six months and I’m still struggling. In many ways I am overwhelmed and unable to move on in different but significant ways. I am reluctant to share my thoughts and my feelings with others because I am afraid of being rejected. I often try not to dwell on my feelings and emotions because they are so powerful. Grief and sorrow often overpower me.
I have been writing a long time, but I have abstained from any kind of public display. The “grieving process” is difficult and contradictory to me. I feel like a pendulum swaying back and forth between paralyzing, depressive inaction and moments of clarity that allow me to see beyond my current quagmire of emotional darkness and encourage me to realize the power is within me to overcome this stagnant heavy feeling of apathetic indifference. Somedays are better than others, but I need to obtain some kind of stability before I poison the relationships I have with the people I love. I have more to write and more to post but it will have to come later.