While I was waiting …Part 2

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This week while I was waiting to get over you, Anger often danced around me. I would be sitting on my bed minding my own business and Anger would start whispering sweet nothings into my ear. And just when I started wishing and hoping that weird and wonderful things would happen, Sadness would press his cold nose into my chest and I would be reminded that I am not angry at all. Not even a little bit. Maybe that is what real love is. That even when someone splits your soul in half and you gingerly try and stitch it back together, you still hope that the other person does not feel as raw and broken as you do...

By David Lupton (I love this pic so much)

This week while I was waiting to get over you, Sadness started acting out. There were times when he would just put his tail between his legs, pull his ears back and snap. Snap at people I love, snap at people with good intentions and even at people with no intentions at all. All that seemed to help was if I reigned him back in and retreated to a quiet place where Apathy smugly awaited us. There I wait out the storm while Apathy clings to my head and Sadness howls in my heart. There I wait, too scared to subject innocent bystanders to the violent atmospheric phenomena also known as an internal avalanche. It is during these times that I limp to the pool and swim, drown, swim. I swim 10 lengths, then 12 then 20, I swim until my lungs burn and my body craves air, until the rumble in my head and the clawing at my heart subsides…

This week while I was waiting to get over you, I discovered a song by John Mayer… “Age of Worry”. Damn that man can write. Pretty sure he wrote that song for me by the way. “ Close your eyes and clone yourself. Build your heart and army. To defend your innocence. While you do everything wrong” Preach John, preach. I didn't build my heart an army as such, but maybe I should have…because currently my heart is hiding behind the walls of Jericho. And I’m unsure whether someone will be able to make them fall down by simply blowing a trumpet in their general direction…seems weird, highly unlikely and definitely not soon. The “ while you do everything wrong” part probably refers to my swimming career. Its been a while and I am still drowning. I have now bought most of the equipment to make me as streamline as possible and if I gear up I look part dolphin part shark… that is outside of the pool. I have discovered though, that swimming is a mind, body and soul sport. And days that i feel that my heart is heavy and my mind is stuck, so is my body in the pool. I sink. I can feel myself sinking but my heart doesn't really care. That is where the “ clone yourself” part comes in. You clone yourself into someone with the sole purpose to survive and just complete one more lap…just one, and then another one… and then another one until your original self and the clone meets up and becomes one again…

The Rifles from their album Big Life

This week while I was waiting to get over you, I suffered a personal loss. OK maybe not personal-personal but it ricocheted so viciously of the people close to me that I felt it intensely too. At that moment it was as if Sadness, Apathy and Anger all merge to form a new creature. A new creature called Sorrow. Sorrow is a strange bird. He circles you, watches you, stalks you. And when you least expect it…Sorrow strikes. He strikes with such force and ferocity that you are pretty sure it might cleave your heart in two. Tearing at your memories, instilling guilt and then leaving you to bleed out while you feel nothing any longer. That was the day that I decided the pool at the gym will not cut it (excuse the pun). I only took my bathing suit, leaving all my gadgets at home. And low and behold I headed to a tiny, secluded Cape Town beach. And in my state of emotional numbness (which is vital if you venture into Cape Town waters) I took the plunge and submerged myself completely in the icy, salt water of the mother city. Everything stopped, my head, my heart (literally) and soul. Everything got jolted back to silence…

And when I surfaced, I saw, perched on a rock a tiny bird. She looked so out of place as she stood perfectly still, refusing to be part of the chaos in her environment. She was beautiful, and even though small she demanded attention and her name was Hope

https://za.pinterest.com/pin/399624166912411172/
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