Can’t Be

Ladies always ask me what sort of a woman do I want? Why am I not satisfied and why am I so emotional about love? I don’t know how to tell them that I don’t deserve love. I am shy to ask anyone out, unless I have thought it through I feel very afraid to even approach anyone. Being slutty gives me confidence, a reason to believe in myself. A reason to be, a reason to love. I feel afraid. Very afraid. Afraid to live, afraid to love. I feel afraid to hurt anyone, and I have loved a couple women before. I am afraid to meet them, and I am afraid to live because I know I’m somehow still hurting them, but not being the friend I promised to be. I am just afraid. Strangers provide me with friendship, with love, with shelter. I’m afraid because I cheat I’m a good student. I study till I understand, and now that I am not able to make ends meet, I am afraid to die. Die poor. I have friends who have believed, who have been judged, yet delivered their virtuous truth. Friends, who have fought the pain to rise beyond it. Friends, who have done their best to provide for their family. I’m have done neither. I felt afraid to deliver on stage made for me. I have felt afraid to ask, to cry, to be true to my heart. I deliver speeches as I would one day, with truth and with honesty till it melts my heart. I feel afraid of being stuck somehow, I feel afraid because I cheat in exams. I cheat myself and I help people cheat. I deceive and I manipulate. To give into the truth and to have those things rise up, I feel afraid. Just afraid. Fear is what drives me to work harder to have confidence to go do the job, fear is what stops me from receiving any credit. I am too afraid to receive. I am afraid of the accomplishments. So I take, I give up on faith and I take. I take from whomsoever I can. Consentually though. Also, I’m ugly so that doesn’t help either. I can be called negative. If I could be iron man, I would be. Not because of the money, so I could hide beyond an armour and do good. I love doing good. And maybe work with my education and earn money that way. Let’s see what Waterloo does to me, till then, it’s selling touches.

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