fears and more // capital letters are overrated

it’s terrifying to think that i’ll be leaving everything i’ve known for the past eighteen years. granted i’ve never truly loved living in my city but i’ve come to love the people in it. i’ve found a niche that seems to understand and support what i stand for and i know that i can count on them even when i leave.

yet i’m still too scared.

i don’t exactly know what’s waiting for me across the country. i know a world class education is waiting and a group of likeminded people are at the end of my travels but what is really waiting for me? at the end of thousands of miles there must be more than just a school and a group of people. there must be something for me, something for the person that i am and that i am becoming. but what is really there?

all the uncertainty and mystery creates an aura of unreadiness and as time creeps up i start feeling more and more insecure. i start feeling more and more terrified and the comforting words around me don’t seem to calm my tumbling world.

yet i know that there is something in the dark abyss of nothing.

you could say that no one is ever ready and no one really knows what is waiting for them yet that isn’t enough to calm the raging storm in my nightmares or the monsters in the closet. these words, comforting words, seem to do the opposite of their purpose and have only allowed me to spiral into constant worry.

but monsters and storms can only limit me so much from letting me live the life ahead of me. the fear of the unknown and the dark abyss can only hold me back for so long because in the end there isn’t anything stopping me except myself. and no i’m not ready but no one ever is. no one ever actually knows what is waiting for them and no one is ever fully equipped to take on the road ahead of them and this is probably one of the biggest risk i will ever take but in the end there is something inside of my body, my mind, and my soul that is yearning to breathe. yearning to look at the world around me and looking for something more than itself.

so here’s to the old soul inside of me craving to come out and leave her mark on the world.

the beautiful thing about a risks is that they knows no borders and they know no limits. they harbor inside of you until you decide to finally let it break through the walls of comfort and paint colors onto a canvas that you have treasured and protected so carefully. and we see it in the world around us. so many letting the walls come down and jumping into the paints of a risk that seems so arbitrary and so poorly thought out and we find them foolish but yet we envy how easily they can throw care into the wind.

but we continue to be the artist that refuses to open pandora’s box.

so maybe the road ahead of me is blurry and snowy and dangerous but sometimes a risk is worth the consequences that come along with it. and maybe i’ll be alone and i’ll be lost but i put my trust in a lost god that i still believe in. i put my trust in my hands and i throw the last shards of fear into the wind, hoping that they won’t come back. and maybe i’m foolish to go in without a plan but some of the best artists never plan their greatest masterpieces.

so though fears consume every fiber of my body, every thought in my mind, and every aura in my soul, it’s time to open pandora’s box. it’s time to throw caution into the raging winds and start on the grand mural that life and risk is awaiting to paint.

and i’m not ready.

but it’s okay. it’s okay not to be ready,

i will never be ready. but no one ever is.