On the 31st of March 2016 a lady named Sara Albone was rescued, hypothermic and disorientated, from the North Face of Ben Nevis. She had tried to climb Britain’s highest peak while wearing shorts and trainers and carrying only a selfie stick, which according to the Lochaber Mountain Rescue Team is “ridiculous” and “irresponsible”. Because everyone knows that you need at least two selfie sticks to document your time on the Ben: one for snapchat on your phone, and one for your GoPro.
Over the easter break I spent some time faffing around in Scotland with the uni mountaineering club. I don’t fully understand why some sports get so much more attention than others. It probably has a lot to do with oxbridge tradition. At the same time, dare I say it, I can think of plenty of things more enjoyable than sitting on a boat going backwards, such as showering in prison. Crabs, cox and blades, but with smaller amounts of archaic elitism. Supporting less prestigious clubs is a great way for the uni to create a sporting scene that is both competitive and welcoming.
In the army I made friends with a guy called Alex. Once I asked him what superpower he’d like to have.
Me: Alex, I would commit manslaughter to teleport. What about you?
Alex: I’d like the ability to photosynthesize
Me: no Alex you don’t understand you can pick any superpower you want
Alex: yeah I’ll be able to stand in the sun when I’m hungry, and also I can cut my hair off and feed it to malnourished children
Alex would have gotten fat and diabetic in Scotland, because the sun was out for the entire time that we were there. Arlie was right to say that our time there was a Scottish advertisement — more on this later.
I’m learning a lot about the climbing culture in Britain. It appears to me that this culture is built upon grit, desire and beer, which are great individually but even better together. Hard drinking, hard living and hard ass climbing in the spirit of Braveheart, some of which was filmed where we were.
Besides frolicking in the hills as a multicultural group, another thing that people do in advertisements is to jump into water bodies from high places. It implies huge amounts of adventure, adrenaline and fun. We decided it would be wise idea to attempt this. Upon entering the river — which is fed by recently melted snow — I began to hyperventilate uncontrollably and entered into the early stages hypothermic shock. It felt like being hit by a phantom freight train. The fire we tried to warm up by was pathetic; the only thing it succeeded in doing was burning Robbie’s socks. 12/10 would not recommend.
Another movie that had some scenes filmed in the Scottish Highlands is Harry Potter, in particular the episode where Harry does some magic. The landscape of moors, heather and fells makes me want to believe that elves are real. I can see why the unicorn is the national animal of the country and everyone is obsessed with monsters in Lochs.
When we summited, it felt great. Earnest handshakes all round, jokes, smiles, banter. How summits should be.
I think that Robbie most eloquently summed up our time in Scotland. Big shoutout to him and Mel, Paul, David, Arlie, John and Ed for the brilliant time.
If you’re reading this and would like actual useful information about the trip, or getting outside in general, give me a shout. Here are the rest of the photos.
