This Father’s Day Promise to Love your Dad on All Days
Father’s Day is just a reminder for some of us about our fathers who are either dead, estranged, abusive, forgotten, or all at once.
In plain simple words, it is a painful trigger that pushes you to hate the frills attached to this day.
This is the downside of having hyper commodified days, you are just a part of its capitalist narrative. Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Women’s Day, Men’s Day, Environment Day, etc. These bloody days is what we need now to tell ourselves to be a good human being.
Well, here's a perspective that might strengthen your relationship with your father, not just for a day, but for eternity.
Dads are Not your Saviour
Stop doing this right now. Stop pressurising your father to be your knight in the shining armour. Agreed that he has been your rock, but don’t put your father on a pedestal. Do this for his own good. When we idolize our parents we forget that they are human beings just like us and they too are vulnerable, weak, flawed and just humans.
I have been pretty angry at myself for a very long period of time for not being able to accept my father’s frail and ageing existence.
For me, he was the strongest man I had ever known and then to see him switch into this submissive and confused person who is not very sure of his existence made me very uncomfortable.
I refused to accept that he was not the strong man that I had once known.
So just sit with your ageing father and try to understand what he might be going through. Listen to him first and then talk. Don’t try to be his saviour, just be there with him.
Dads can also Cry
Can we agree on one thing; Crying is not an act of weakness. And to top it men crying is not abnormal, unmanly or weird. Think really hard before you try to beat down someone with your words, who have already bared themselves before you.
We have not been taught to deal with our complex emotions. We have been conditioned to believe that remaining unfazed and stoic is the right thing to do.
We have also not been taught how to deal with people opening up to us with their vulnerabilities. Our instant reaction to a friend crying is, “ Don’t cry, be strong,” not realising that we are reinforcing shame and guilt on that person who let you in.
We reward people’s behaviour with words like strong, brave, calm and composed when the reality is that they are suppressing a very normal outburst of emotions. And that is toxic on our part, as bystanders, applauding the act of muffling any voices of desperation, which by the way is a very human reaction
So here’s the thing, your father might feel burdened, exhausted, lonely or he might be lost, and he will cry to unload the emotional baggage that has been piled up for so many years.
Don’t ask him to stay strong at that moment. On the other hand, you stay strong and give him your shoulder so that he can cry his heart out.
Dads are Emotional
We have always seen our dads in a disciplinarian role. Strict and unyielding, but can I let you in on one secret? They are just big softies from within. That hard outer layer is just a facade to fool you.
They have been taught to channelize their emotions and mould them into tough love.
Tough love is just a strict, drab and I-love-you-in-a-different-way kind of relationship which frankly never works in the favour of either side.
Can you promise to bring a change in your relationship with your father? Get talking and express how you want to be his friend and confidante. Not a son/daughter who thinks that his/her dad is best left out from the silly conversations of everyday life. Beauty lies in keeping it simple and honest, as you would with your friend.
Make your father a part of your daily life. Ease out the tension by talking to your dad daily and not only when you need something from him.
That’s all what I have learnt so far, start with these simple gestures. Open the path for your dad to let in and build a relationship where you don’t feel the need to hide anything from him.
For any fathers reading this, a quick request. Don’t shut your kids out. Your strength lies in opening up to your babies and showing them your humane side.
They will make their own mistakes and learn from them, you can only be by their side. But that is any day better than, “I told you so” walkaways, or worse, not having any idea of what your kid is going through, because they know if they share, you would impose your solutions and viewpoints on them and their issues. That’s not how it works. You can only mould your kids, not turn them into your version of perfect.
Happy Father’s Day and yes, get started because your fathers won’t be around for long. Make the most of this time you both have.
