Photo By Gabrielle Feld

I Went to a Scissor Dicks Show and Got a Staff Infection

Jack Loveless
Sep 8, 2018 · 3 min read

Everyone goes through a punk phase in their life. It’s an important part of growing up and learning how to rebel before you eventually cover up that stick and poke with a really cool traditional style tattoo of a coffee mug so that all your friends think you’re really ironic and cool. I remember when I was young and full of vigor and I would just put some Good Charlotte or Simple Plan on and try to ollie for hours so I could tell everyone that I skateboard. Those were the good ole days when punk was so good that it made it on MTV and everyone knew the words to Sk8er Boi, a certified punk classic.

So when I heard that Baton Rouge had it’s very own punk band, and that they had started doing shows again, I decided to rehash my childhood by checking them out, which, let me tell you guys, was a mistake.

First off, why the fuck does everyone have to wear a cutoff sleeveless tshirt? I mean it was like literally every male there was trying to show off the muscles they’ve gained from years of picking up PBR cans and moshing. Like, why does everyone at these shows have to mosh? You know, there are some of us who just want to drink our pre-canned mojito and enjoy some music. I don’t want an obstacle course where I have to save my drink from the hoards of unwashed armpits and puddles of beer. I saw that the more they moshed, the more slippery the floor got, and it started this vicious cycle of slipping that never seemed to end. They would get drunker, spill more, and slip more. This snow ball of drunkenness rolled bigger and bigger until the entire crowd looked like a skating rink full of the most uncoordinated figure skaters I’ve ever seen.

All this made sense though, as you would have to be wasted to enjoy whatever kind of punk rock these guys were playing. The music was much too loud. Maybe instead of playing as loud and fast as you can, maybe you could actually just practice. I couldn’t understand a word of the lyrics and the fast drums gave me a headache worse than when I get a little too crazy at French Truck and order 3 espresso shots. I mean, is it so bad to play a nice slow song that conveys an emotional response other than making you want to push your friends down? Also, everyone was drinking multiple beers onstage. That was so unprofessional and shows how little you care about performing a good show for cool guys like me who have important opinions. Maybe if they stayed a little bit more sober I could’ve heard the lyrics and danced my butt off.

After the show I was smoking a clove cigarette outside, trying to ask my friends if they were at radio bar or ironically going to a not-cool bar. All the sleeveless tshirt wearing, cargo shorts having punks were outside being rowdy and yelling at each other. I know how cool it is to drink cheap beer ironically, but these guys were just enjoying it, like monsters. Everyone would ask me to bum a cigarette, but when they found out it was a clove, they just laughed at me. This was extremely hurtful, and I don’t take kindly to being mocked for my super cool and not poser at all choices.

I woke up the next day feeling groggy and somehow had a staff infection from all those dirty people moshing around me. When I went to the doctor he said it was a pimple but like, I’m an Aquarius and were not even supposed to get pimples this month. So, I didn’t get the punk rock experience that I wanted, full of lyrics about how I don’t need this town, and wearing ties with a tshirt. Instead I got a night full of sweat, drunk people playing too fast, and people making fun of my cool clove cigarettes and mojito. Punk rock shouldn’t be about making fun of people and not taking yourself seriously! It should be about being nice to me specifically and wearing a studded belt.