(not) Jennifer Smith

Will Write For Donuts

Medium’s new compensation system

[Update 4/25: This story, about the writers of The Grammar Games searching compensation for their efforts, has become the most popular story in the entire Grammar Games saga. Proving once again that while the pen is mightier than the sword, the donut is mightier than the pen. Look for my self-improvement must-read articles, “You can either be the donut or the hole,” “8 secrets the donut can teach your start up company,” and “I am a donut and this is my story of sexual abuse.”]

Update 5/12: Inspired by the quest for donuts, I’ve started a new collaborative book and publication titled “The Tao of Blogging.” Please follow our efforts here:

The Air around the Donut’s Hole

And if you’ve written, or read a really great quote that is humorous or thought provoking, please come to the publication and submit it in the comments section of one of the articles. Thanks!]

We, the undersigned cynics, humorists, absurdists, anarchists, and other assorted deviants, have contributed to a new collaborative short but possibly long story called The Grammar Games.

What started as a satiric revolt against the overwhelming waves of self-improvement, life hacking, and entrepreneurship articles has meta-morphosed into a symbolic battle against the corporate forces that keep us writers oppressed.

Therefore, we will develop a kickstarter program to fund a novel that has given pleasure to tens of… well tens of. Because of the magnitude of the response, we thought “why not reach for the stars?” And so, our campaign will ask the public not to contribute some crappy overbrewed coffee stolen from your nearest twelve-step meeting, but to support the arts with the biggest prize of all… donuts!

Show your solidarity! Click to tweet “Will Write For Donuts”

Next time you have a donut, think of starving online writers and save us the hole. Or you could become a contributor and get something far less valuable in return! Here are the contribution levels:

1. A donut hole (25¢) — Get The Grammar Games digital wallpaper.
2. A donut (75¢) — Level one, plus a copy of The Grammar Games e-book
3. Apple fritter ($1.25) — Level one, plus a digitally signed copy of the finished e-book
4. Cronut ($2.50) — Everything above, plus a mention of you or your product in the book (for examples, please see Chapter 11)
5. Bag of Donuts ($5.00) — Everything above, plus your character has speaking lines, a customized death and a heart felt sky memorial as one of “The Fallen.”
6. Box of Donuts ($9.75) — Everything above, plus you get to write your own chapter.

Some of our most popular writers, showing solidarity with our cause:

(not) Michelle Stone

(not) Elliot Nichols

The Real Ellie Guzman!

NOT Graham Anderson

Definitely NOT Thomas R. Barton, JD

not Lisa Robbie

Lon Shapiro

(Note: because this collaborative novel is partially based on certain writers, we will share the proceeds and throw a few crumbs their way, regardless of whether they have chosen to contribute a 200-word post, paragraph or sentence: Jon Westenberg, Benjamin P. Hardy, Henry Wismayer)

The Grammar Games Contributors:

Michelle Stone (resident dreamer in which the entire story takes place)

Morgan Rock Loehr (a true inspiration, and the first to join the Fallen)

Gutbloom (a good sport and allegedly super handsome guy)

Ellie Guzman (comedy genius, and fellow donut lover)

THOMAS BARTON JD (a tasty snack and welcome interloper)

Jennifer Smith (free spirit and more than willing victim)

Greg Gueldner (kind hearted authority figure, unsuspecting kidnap victim)

A McEnnis (completely innocent of any crimes yet to be committed)

Brad Decker (enthusiastic participant unaware of the horror to follow…)

Graham Anderson (+Friedrich & Kylie, a hilarious ménage à ne pas croire)

Dave Grigger (happy drunk and mad poet — or is it the other way around?)

Elizabeth Hughes (nice lady, but seems like she’s got a big axe to grind)

DCI Wooderson (so funny I had to kill him twice!! bwah ha ha)

Todd Hannula 🤓 (advocate of peace, except for giant killer marshmallows)

Lisa Robbie (party crasher, lurker extraordinaire and yelp reviewer)

Elliot Nichols (drunken crusader, keeper of the secret that rules them all)

Victoria Easterday (“the air around the donut’s hole,” a philosopher/stoner)

JoJo Magno (fourth wall piercing professor-outlaw-ninja, unwilling editor)

Lon Shapiro (resident lunatic and beater of dead horses)

[UPDATE 5/24: How is this possible? How could more people recommend a story about the NSA investigating Medium than one about donuts? Something is not right in the air, an event of catastrophic proportions. But what is it? An alien invasion? California sliding into the ocean? Another season of Ranch?

UPDATE: Based on the questions in the comment section, I have added the following clarifications.

TL;DR notes

Sorry, you have to read this to have any chance at donuts

1. Medium does not have a compensation system; you may now go back to your Sunday gruel, porridge, mush, loblolly, grits, burgoo, frumenty, crowdie, pottage, polenta or samp. Sorry to have gotten you all excited over nothing.
2. Key words you missed while skimming the headlines and looking at the pictures: “contributed,” “collaborative,” “The Grammar Games,” “200-word post,” “paragraph,” or “sentence.”
3. The list of contributors applies to people who actually wrote something for The Grammar Games, not people who have contributed to the Kickstarter campaign, which has not yet been released.
4. We are cynics, anarchists, contrarians, and anti-contrarians, so this group is even harder to herd than cats (vote here if you love kitties!). As such, there is no nanny state, corporate management, or sense of decency.
5. To misquote the great Shakespearean philosopher Yoda, “write or do not, sign-ups none there are.”

Legal Disclaimer

The Grammar Games rules and eligibility:

1. The Grammar Games is a collaborative story about the battle over the soul of Medium. Read the story so you can get a general idea of what’s happening and then join the fun.
2. If you have a huge following, you belong on the hallowed field of battle and write a 200 word post about what you are doing.
3. If you’re new to Medium or just a lurker, come out of your shell.
4. You can just add a sentence or a quote. Whatever you feel like. We’ll figure out a way to work it into the flow at some point before, during or after the story. It will all be in good fun.
5. Just remember, no one is safe.