I’m Supposed To Be In Love By Now

I’m supposed to be in love by now.
Been so long for me I don’t know how.
Drowning in a sea of broken vows.
But I’m supposed to be in love by now.

Been listening to my heart lately trying to understand what’s eerking me, why am I pulling away? What’s putting me off? Yeah I realised that all the things that made me dislike him are the same traits you’re carrying. Yeah you were the “upgrade” better looking, more charming and generally more in control. But the more time we spend together the more I see the same things that put me off him manifesting in you.

Six months down the line I’m looking back at everything; from how it began to now and I know I should be in love by now. I know I told you I love you very early on in all of this and even before I said it i questioned myself “are you saying this because you are caught up in the whirlwind, or do you mean it?” I think I meant it when I said it. I know I meant it when I said it. But the man I said it to is certainly not you. That man was so kind, loving, selfless and considerate. The man I see now has moments, brief moments where he mimics his previous self but generally you are a different beast, an animal that I don’t want to tame.

The lies, half-truths and selfishness all used to manipulate and control. I often wonder why you couldn’t just let me go know that you have a new girl, why lie about it, why deny the relationship when clearly you are guiding her into falling more and more in love with you every day. Yet when I try and take a step back and let go you come to pull me back into your arms?

I still wonder to this day why you still lie to me about her, when you know how my instincts work, you believe me when I can tell you how you feel, what you are doing from thousands of miles away but then call me crazy when I told you I felt you pulling away and could feel that you were sharing your energy with the both of us. Sadly I allow you to lie to me because what is the point of arguing with a chronic liar. The saddest part is the more she falls in love with you the more I feel indifferent.

I know this feeling very well, I’ve been here before and once it starts there isn’t much I can do except allow. I don’t know which is sadder the fact that you believe all the things that you tell me or the fact that you are doing to her what you did to me and she willingly participates in it. What I do know is that I’m drowning in a sea of broken vows and promises, your word is as valuable as the Zim dollar it really means nothing to me at this point. Because the same mouth you open to tell me lies is the same mouth you open to tell her you love her. So who can really trust anything that comes out of it?

They say a man’s value is in his words. Your words mean nothing. They are worth nothing.

Looking at how you publicly display your trysts and relationship with her online, while I was treated like a dirty secret. What does that make me? A fool? Or did I just avoid public humiliation? Perhaps but for that I thank you for your dishonesty, your life is already messy as it is. Not to mention fact that she and I both know about each other yet feign ignorance.

In retrospect I thank God for certain things, I remember when you wanted to put me all over your social media and I insisted on no. I remember when we fought and I removed all your pics. As much as I would have loved being “that couple” online, it’s a blessing it never went down that way.

This indifference that I am feeling is slowly consuming the space that was filled with my love for you. I’m questioning if it was love to begin with, I’d like to believe it was but you got caught up in your own game, so why not have your cake and eat it too right? Convince one that she is the love of your life and convince the other that evolving to lovers from friends was the natural progression. I hope you’ve been enjoying your cake.

You want to make me promises and have me hold onto a dream of an “us”, but is this not the same mouth that made me swear to be loyal and to trust you? I’m still waiting on what this “ loyalty and trust” has given me other than tears, disappointment and heartache.

Life is a never ending journey of self discovery through good and bad experiences, I think this experience is coming to a close. I can’t pretend to be content when I am not. I can’t pretend that I am not falling out of love with you when I am. I can’t pretend I like who you are. I just can’t pretend. What’s sad is I don’t even know when this feeling creeped in all I know is as each day passes I want out of your maze of lies, deceit, manipulation, confusion and sadness.

I’ve been asking myself one pertinent question lately, was it love? Was any of it real? Is anything that came out of your mouth true? Do you believe the lies you tell me? Was any of this real? They say love doesn’t hurt but everything about me and you has hurt me to the core, I can’t pretend anymore. I don’t want this bastardised version of love. I want something real and true. Sadly you are not the one to give me that, right now you are not capable.

What I do know is I’m supposed to be in love by now. Been so long for me I don’t know how. Drowning in a sea of broken vows. But I’m supposed to be in love by now.

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