Notes From My Heart | This Pain Is Real
The pain is real. I can touch it, taste it, feel it. I know it’s there when I look in the mirror and the memories come flooding to me. I look at my face, studying it trying to understand what it was about me that wasn’t enough, what could I have done or changed to make you stay.
My eyes are dull now, the light that used to be there has been dimming day by day since that day in January. Now I don’t even know if I can ever get that back. My smile is frail, shrivelled up like an old mama past her prime. I want to smile, I want to laugh I want to feel how I used to, before you turned my world upside down, before you forced me to feel.
Instead I’m here looking at my reflection, watching the pain turn me into something else, someone else. I don’t know this girl, she doesn’t look familiar to me, when she speaks I can’t recognise her voice, yet she answers by my name, when people call “Somie” she responds; but who is she? She’s not me.
The Somie I know is vibrant, content, forgiving, laugher is her second nature, nothing and no one could get her down for long. There is an impostor in her body because this isn’t her, this isn’t me.
So much has happened since January, so many tears have soaked my pillowcase, so many prayers have gone out to God, the universe anyone who could care to listen; begging, pleading for change. Asking for a sign, shouting to make my heart numb and my memories disappear. But no. Instead here I am April 4 2015, starring at my refection not recognising who I see.
Everything means nothing now. Food has no taste, music is just white noise in the background, nothing means anything and everything means nothing. All I wanted was to love you. All I asked is that you look after my heart in return. What I got was my heart handed back to me broken beyond repair with not the slightest inkling of remorse.
I’ll never forget it the day I felt the change, I felt the difference, I ignored it because everything was on ten, my emotions were a wreck, I missed you. Today I look back and laugh because I sensed it from the beginning but there was nothing I could do. You are your own man. Your decisions are your own. Your actions belong to you. If only I could have seen it like that back then. I would have walked away sooner, instead of fighting for what was never really mine. I never had you. Quite frankly you had me.
You had all of me. I gave you everything, I gave you parts of me I didn’t even know I had to give. But still I wasn’t enough. I WASN’T ENOUGH. For you to consider honesty, to consider fairness, to consider at all. I know you didn’t particularly go looking but you didn’t turn away when given the opportunity. You didn’t turn away. I know you tried eventually but by then it was too late.
I was the crazy girl stressing you out, while she was your safe place, where you could run to seek refuge from my accusations and irrational behaviour. I remember when we were one another’s safe place. We only needed each other. Everything else, everyone else was just there in the background.
Today I’m a wreck, but tomorrow I will be stronger and the day after and so on and so forth. I’ll keep you in my heart because now that I have experienced what it is to love, to care more about someone than I do myself I can’t go back to my old self. Even though my heart is bleeding and these tears won’t stop falling I wouldn’t trade being able to feel again for the world. As twisted as it is you opened a heart that had been closed for over a decade and even though this pain is consuming me right now I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I wouldn’t want it any other way, because I can feel again.
Unless you have lived your life on a frequency where nothing really moves you, you can never really understand what it is to unlock your feelings again. It’s painful yes, It’s frightening of course, but it’s real. The same way the pain I feel is real, is the same way my happiness will be real. It’s not an illusion it is genuine. You opened my heart and inadvertently reignited my senses. I feel everything; good and bad. Yes it hurts often but I know it is real. I know that I am real. Not a being floating through life watching it happen around her from the outside, getting close enough but never too close for it to matter.
I’m happy that I can feel this pain, I’m happy it’s as tangible as the tears that run down my face as I write this, I’m happy. In my sadness I am still happy. I’ll take everything I’m feeling, I’ll channel it towards everything I do. I can’t be on 50 anymore, everything I do, everything I feel will always be on 100. My lesson is to learn how to accept this and use it.
As I look at my reflection and stare into my eyes, they’re not dull, the light hasn’t dimmed, it’s just misty from all these tears. I’m still here with fire. I was good enough then as I am good enough now. We just aren’t good together. I have acknowledged this, now I need to accept it. We are both only human and to be fair we both were in over our heads. We weren’t ready for each other but our paths had to cross. They will might cross again and perhaps we’ll both be better prepared. This time around everything took us by surprise. This was never the idea or part of either of our plans. It was never supposed to get this deep. Yet here we are.
Ex-communicated but not alone. You’re in my heart as I am in yours. We’ll live our individual lives but always remember each other. Why? Because as this pain is real. The love we have for each other is real too.