Why We Need to Love Ourselves First

Inner Children Trapped Inside Adult Bodies

A few days ago the man I once was engaged to asked the woman he left me for to marry him. You think I’d be hurt but I’m not. Before it happened I felt …I knew. From the moment I saw her, I knew she would be the one to put it all to the test. She is the image of what he wanted if he could order the One and my only concern was, “Will she be there when you fall?”

I know men and women alike that chase imaginary beings while shutting themselves off from real people, wrapped up in a narcissistic dream of what should be, as opposed to what is. —Heidi K. Isern
LonerWolf

I can hear a tribe member telling me this is not over. My life. My choice. Most importantly, I do not want him so badly I would sabotage his happiness. I am not that kind of petty bitch. I had my chance. He gave me many…so very many chances. I did the same for him. We did the same for each other. At some point, I just have to accept the universe is not going to let us win any other way than apart. Welcome to the hate that comes with aspiring to become something more. #twinFlames

Was I hurt and angry for him giving up on us? Of course but honestly he had done as much as he could to help me let go of the demons that possessed me. He had endured years of feeling like he didn’t please me — especially sexually. It didn’t matter how many times I told him how, until him, sex had really been something I did involuntarily — more like an expected thing we humans MUST do! I craved to be able to let go and scream his name as my God, involuntarily shaking, locked around him like a pair of handcuffs until I passed out.

He did make me feel things I longed to experience with someone. He inspired me to want to break out of my shell. I took steps I haven’t comfortably and confidently taken with anyone like I had with him. You’d figure these truths would be enough to erase his horrifying memory of our first time together. Something about my Yoni just makes a man lose control. I feared my curse would rear its ugly head so I asked him, “How long can you last?” Even in the dark I could see the absolute joy in his eyes when he said, “longer than you can.” In less than five (5) minutes his face went from, “What sorcery is this?” to straight confusion as he picked me up to orgasm HARD. Yeah, he definitely had never faced an experience like me before at all! I made it worse by telling him the big guy was down for the night. He made him wake up but, the poor guy looked so tired I just put him back to sleep with a kiss goodnight and the snap of my fingers. I didn’t know what else to do to make him feel better. I wasn’t used to caring about how a man took my curse happening to them. To be really honest, I usually enjoying laughing at them about it or being happy that I had every reason to do whatever I decided to do with them next (breakup, get presents, whatever).

He was a different story. He cared about my feelings. Deep down the connection was there. From time to time we could tap into it and in those times, the feeling was so intense it would take my breath away. One time I saw …home. You know the one we go to when we are connected to the Universe. But the connection you make when two people are locked in a lovers embrace, fear — straight out and out panic would take over and I’d lock up tighter than a drum — not at all in a good way. I knew it bothered him so I tried all of the usual techniques you’d read on rags like Cosmo. I tried pushing my boundaries into sexuality I have long since known wasn’t me at all. It was very confusing. He made me fight for myself but at the same time he made me want to protect myself and I couldn’t figure out why I’d all of a sudden be so afraid of him. I really thought I had explored spiritual healing but looking back — I didn’t really see self-love as being a positive thing or THAT important for the health of a relationship.

I was DEAD ASS WRONG!

After our breakup I pushed and got the medication I thought would “fix” the problem. I was determined to get well while he enjoyed his time out to reflect on his life and what he wanted in it. I could tell you all about how I thought modern medicine was working. See I was having all of these issues because I have really bad allergies. So bad according to the allergist I’d need to be a gluten-free vegan to include no OATS, corn, tomatoes, carrots, apples or brewers yeast. Mind you I very much enjoyed eating vegan but I lost a lot of weight. So I was supposed to be getting allergy shots. Been there as a teenager, didn’t work very well but hey, what do I know? I didn’t go to medical school for over a decade. I’ve just been living in this body my whole life.

Fast forward to a few months ago when taking my meds accidentally caused me to have a seizure. I got up too quick and took too many things at once on a stomach filled with beer and feeling very #420. No. I was not trying to die. I was trying to get to sleep without having dreams of him so vivid I could feel his breath on me, hear his heart beating while I slept in his arms closer than most spoons have ever been.

The idea of ever letting someone that close to me…

I had to breathe for a moment. I’m not mad at him. I want to know how I can feel this close to someone but I couldn’t let them in when it counted the most? Intimacy, not sex.

Since my spirit guides sent me back to Atlanta, I have been led to more and more spiritual healing energy resources. I am naturally eating more vegan. Not really taking meds anymore, alcohol and #420 are losing their flavor. I’m really getting into this puzzle I call me. I want to keep going down this path. Yes, my patience is getting the best of me. I’ve felt and occasionally been rather homeless since leaving my other half. Even now as I write this I find my spirit asking the universe to show me where I belong. I just know being here in Atlanta is only temporary. I get the feeling I wasn’t supposed to be here quite this long. There is an event that keeps getting reset. The fact I missed it in the first place tells me its my sign post for … when my time here is coming to an end. No, not dying either.

Funny story, about 1 year to the day before I came back to the ATL my other half mentioned he was seriously thinking of coming back here. I went white, “that’s a death sentence” and here I am. #SMH The above video was taken the night I arrived. Thank the Gods for my brother. #wonderTwins

There are going to be people from my tribe who are going to say see…some connections you can not break. But what they don’t understand is I will no longer be a caged bird who sings. He is engaged to be married. I am glad our time together wasn’t for nothing. I did not want him to walk this earth alone. Honestly, when you’ve spent your whole life crying in the dark for the part of you that makes you feel whole, loved and at peace you think the fear is over! You’ve found your love at last only to be haunted by the thought… when we die will we still be together? The idea of ever living my life, on this earth, without him petrified me down to the core of my existence. This is where your spirit guides are like oh, there’s a lesson she’s gonna learn. But the joke’s on them. Now that I have come this far, lets just finish the job shall we? Since I can’t enjoy the life I want with the man I chose in peace. I will enjoy being on my own.

I know it sounds very childish but understand. I truly had the person I wanted to be with. I lost him because I failed to purge the guilt of being me, to stop caring about the expectations of others who’s lives didn’t even resemble one I find pleasing and to just be me. There’s nothing wrong with having a plan but sometimes you just have to let go and just be in the moment within yourself.

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