What is it like being trans?

Zach Norman
Jul 24, 2017 · 3 min read

Taken from a Quora answer I wrote back in January: https://www.quora.com/What-is-it-like-being-transgender-1/answer/Lane-Norman?srid=cm3z. Edited for Medium on July 24, 2017.

I’m triggering my dysphoria as I write this but I think it’s important to share. My computer also recognizes dysphoria as a wrong word, which definitely helps me come to terms with my mental condition.

If I had to describe it in one word- hell.

I wake up feeling great. My hair is actually functioning correctly today and I don’t have to completely soak my hair to stop that one piece of hair from sticking up.

I walk into the bathroom and go to pee. I sit down to pee.

I sit down to pee.

Shit, first anxiety attack of the day. Not too bad, but enough to make me not feel so great.

I get up, flush, wash my hands, walk out, and get dressed.

I get out my shirt, pants, belt, and sweatshirt for school. I put everything on and then I’m hit with anxiety attacks 2 and 3. Anxiety Attack #2 is the fact that I can still see my AA-cup breasts under my heavy sweatshirt. Anxiety Attack #3 is the fact that I don’t wear a tie to school.

You see, I go to a private school. The uniforms are pretty much the same for boys and girls except girls can wear skirts (and all of them except for me do) and boys wear ties.

Definitely affirms that I’m breaking dress code according to my gender and no one yells at me because they know I have a vagina, and I’m following the dress code for someone with a vagina!

I go into the bathroom again and look at myself, and I’m hit with Anxiety Attack 4 and 5- my ass looks like Kim Kardashian’s. It’s freaking ginormous and looks like I got implants. My height also bothers me- I’m 5′2″-5′3″ (let’s say 5′3″) and a shoe size 7 (5.5 mens.) I’m tiny, and that doesn’t help much either.

And then I proceed to get 50 more throughout the day.

She’s sitting over there.

Go work with her.

That’s hers.

These piss me off throughout the day. But there’s nothing I can actually do about it.

It’s fucking terrible. When I dream, I’m a guy. I wake up, feel great, look in the mirror, and remember that my birth certificate has my girl name and has an F under “sex”. I remember how everyone asks me which boy I have a crush on. People will ask which dress I’m wearing to the formal.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m okay with being trans. It’s given me a different perspective on life many people don’t experience. However it’s gotten to the point where my self-esteem is low and I feel anxious and depressed all the time. I really need help, but when my parents say they will, they forget about it the next day.

When I was 12, I was hoping to start testosterone the summer after seventh grade. Now I’m 15 years old and I sound like a six-year-old. I don’t pass anymore- to the rest of the world I look like a woman when I feel like a man. I wish I could show people that so they would get it, but I can’t really do that right now.

I’m waiting for Puberty 2.0 to come around. I think as soon as I start getting that Adam’s Apple and facial hair, a lot of my problems will be resolved. For right now though, it’s really hard, and that’s something that a lot of closeted and pre-hormone trans people have to deal with on a close-to-daily basis.

Zach Norman

Written by

17, Trans, Writer, Musician, Graphic Designer, Filmmaker, Gamer, Opinion Holder, and Crappy List Maker. My resume is pretty extensive.

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