How having coffee with strangers will improve your social skills
How often do you meet new people? Are most of your current friends childhood relationships? Does the idea of purposefully reaching out to people you don’t know to strike up new conversations sound off putting? It wouldn’t be surprising if that was the case. Most of us don’t need to meet new people on a daily or weekly basis. Or do we? It’s very likely that the work that you do doesn’t involve being in ever changing environments or around new people on a regular basis. Perhaps you are the person that has decades long relationships right now but hasn’t actively built a new relationship in a while. Whatever the case, I’m writing this article to share my experiences and commentary on the act of socializing and networking, whether for business purposes or just for the sake of meeting new people. I recently heard someone say that having the same friends since childhood is not a bragging right. I found this intriguing and, given my constant ongoing effort to connect with new people, thought I’d speak to (and rant a bit) about the act of putting yourself out there.
First, some context and a clarification. I’m not advocating against continuing to cultivate the long term relationships you have already. That would be silly. But, there are probably instances where some of those relationships could cease to exist and you’d be better off for it. I spend several hours per week prospecting and networking with others in an effort to improve my communication skills, connect with people that I might be able to directly or directly help or work with in some way, or simply to find individuals that I can make introductions to or for in an effort to facilitate meaningful connections between others so that I can have a healthy network. Also, more comically, my girlfriend recently commented that she didn’t know anyone else that spend so much time trying to talk to strangers. I found this funny because, in my mind, I hadn’t thought of what I was doing as abnormal, out of the ordinary or anything worth remarking about, but then again I do a lot of weird things that I think are totally normal. Like putting butter in my coffee and intentionally not eating for extended periods of time, but that’s the subject of another article. Upon reflection I realized a lot of people usually aren’t out trying to look for meaningful new connections and potential relationships to incorporate into their lives. Or if they are, they find it stressful, scary, nerveracking, superficial or just plain unenjoyable. Hence my motivation to share my experience and what I’ve been learning.
Lesson #1 — Stop presuming that you have something to offer someone right out of the gate
I have been blessed to end up on both sides of this and other bad selling strategies. Apparently a lot of people immediately assume that if you’re reaching out, it’s because you want to sell them something. I have two response to this; 1. “What if I’m not?” or 2. “So what?” This assumption is the fault of the person who has it and they usually perpetuate it themselves in their own actions with others. It also assumes that the desire to sell is bad or wrong. It’s not. It’s more nuanced than than so stop with the black and white perspective. You’re better than that. Now of course there are extreme examples but I assume that if you are reading this you are a well-manner, even-keeled, rational human being with the capacity to cogitate (Forgive me but I just had to use that word, it’s one of my favorites; Google it if you don’t know what it means and feel free to use it in your next conversation). When I resorted to jumping right into what I wanted out of an interaction it was because it seemed weird to me to just meet with someone solely to have a conversation and learn about them to determine if there was any fit for future potential collaboration. That perception is my responsibility. As long as I continued to immediately go into selling mode the second I reached out to someone, I would continue to immediately assume that when someone else reached out to me, it was because they had something to sell me on. That is the point I want to make. Now you might say “Well of course that’s what it means! It is true! We/They do have something to sell you!” I’m gonna stop you right there. There are times where it’s not true. Take responsibility for your thoughts and your assumptions because it’s very possible that someone reaching out to you actually wants to just have a conversation with you. You might not be a fit for whatever they might be able to offer you and they simply want to understand how to best approach and work with you. Just like not every guy or girl that talks to or looks at you wants to date you….
I’ll elaborate on that last sentence. Not everyone wants to be your girlfriend or boyfriend so stop responding that way just because they are talking to you. You look silly. If you’re experiencing resistance to believing that a person is talking to you just to talk to you, it’s your own fault. It might be because you’ve never actually had the genuine intention to just have a conversation with another human to see if there is common ground and shared values. If that is the case, there’s literally no way you could believe that a person could have that intent because it’s never existed in your experience to behave that way. Someone else isn’t responsible for that, you are. In the instances where someone does want to sell you something, so what? Why is that a problem? If you are critically minded person (who enjoys cogitation, ha!), you simply listen, ask questions, evaluate against your values and priorities in life and then answer yes or no. Simple. Or if you’re me, you let them try and sell to you so you can learn how and what they do and what to replicate for yourself. Or not. Either way, you walk away with more knowledge that you walked in with. If that’s a problem for you, I’d recommend you stop reading because you won’t like the rest of this article since it aims to stimulate critical thinking for increased knowledge. And you’re not into that. But it’s ok. There’s a lot of stuff I’m not into that you probably are.
Only when you actually understand that it’s possible to have a conversation with another person to determine if you get along, like each other, or have anything in common will you be able to grasp the fact that sometimes a person wants to meet with you, just to meet with you. Guys make this mistake when approaching women and dear lord, is it funny to watch, and frustrating for the women on the receiving end who wish the poor schmuck was a little more socially aware (sorry guys, but it’s true, take a hint). If you want to meet with or hang out with a girl only so you can try to sleep with her, the lady in question will likely smell it on you. Too many men underestimate the deductive and intuitive capacities of women. Give her more credit bro. If I want to grab a coffee with a girl that I meet simply because I want to have a conversation to learn more about her in a non-romantic setting to determine if we even have any common ground, I may be more likely to get that meeting, though there might be exceptions (as there always are). It might take several platonic encounters (over weeks or months) for me (and the women) to realize that we have values and perspectives in common. Only then might we begin to determine how the relationship might evolve or how we’d like it to evolve. And I still may not be looking to sleep with her at this point! Not every guy wants to sleep with you or be your boyfriend ladies. You’re just as susceptible to this mistake as guys are. Humble yourself a bit.
Now let’s assume that this is actually my intent, to see if I get along with said women and that’s it. If she is absolutely convinced that I have to want more than just a coffee conversation, that is her responsibility for deciding to think that, though it might be because she has never experienced a guy approaching her without expectation or overt desire for physicality and sex. The collective behavior of men on average has likely led her to assume that there’s no way a guy could only want to have a conversation. We (men) are in some ways responsible for her perception that this is the most likely intent she thinks I have. So what might happen? She might say no to something that isn’t even being offered or pursued. Just like someone might say they aren’t interested in what you have to offer as a salesperson (or human), even if you’ve never made any offer to them yet. I’ve ended up having coffee with women who thought it was a date because they assumed inacuurately that my speaking to them meant I was romatically interested. False! Though it still means I am responsible for whatever I did that led her to that assumption. I’m still working to minimize that confusion, believe me. And for the record, if you’re intent is to sleep with a woman (or man), recognize you cannot control or force that outcome and show a genuine interest in the human being in front of you first. You’d surprised how well it can go over when you take an interest in the other person first, rather than your bodily impulses and what feels good to you. Unless you’re the kind of person that wants to be run by your body. But this isn’t a relationship article so please forgive the digression. I just wanted to reinforce the message I am trying to communicate.
Lesson #2 — You have something in common with everyone. You just need to find it.
This is one that I want to keep practicing. There are people that we (and I) are resolutely convinced that we have nothing in common with. In fact we fight to convince ourselves that this is true sometimes (and if that’s not brainwashing, I don’t know what is). I’m here to tell you (and myself) that this is a lie. I’ll give you an example. I’m not a sports guy, never have been and probably never will be. This leads me to believe that I have nothing in common with a guy that is super into sports. For the sake of argument, let’s assume that this guy loves sports because it’s his form of escapism. Do I have a form of escapism that I gravitate to? Yup. Mine just isn’t sports. Guess what; Me and this guy have something in common, we both like having a form of escapism. One of my favorite quotes comes from a mentor, someone I look up to immensely, and a man that has greatly upgraded the way I think and feel, Keith Raniere. It goes something like this; “If I fail to find awe in another person, it’s my limitation”. Now I’m paraphrasing his much more eloquent way of speaking but I think about this sometimes when I’m convincing myself that I have nothing in common with another person. The truth is, if I fail to find the similarities, it’s my limitation and my fault (again). The problem is, we look at the surface and the superficial when we look for things we have in common. We lose the forest for the trees. I’ll give you another, potentially silly but hopefully obvious example.
Let’s say that I really like weightlifting (I actually do) and don’t like distance running (I actually don’t). I could very easily look at a distance runner, scoff and say something to the effect of “I have nothing in common with that person. I hate running and have no idea how anyone could enjoy or choose to want to do such a stupid activity. They should really lift weights instead”. Super nice right? I’m sure none of you have ever said anything like that before. It’s ok, I don’t mind being alone here. Here’s the thing; I’m allowed to dislike running and that person is allowed to dislike weightlifting but we have something in common. We are both doing our respective activity because we both want to experience ourselves as healthy people (I’m assuming that this is why they’re running but bear with me). I lift weights to consider myself healthy and that person runs to consider themselves healthy (or whatever word they want to use). Our activities are merely tools to reinforce a certain self-perception that we are both going for. So we both like being healthy and we both like doing things that help us reinforce that self-perception. Sounds like we have some similarities! Now, for the record, I struggle with this on a regular basis but writing in this way allows me to buff out my thoughts and feelings on the subject in real time because I hope to get better and better and identifying similarities rather than looking for differences. The world has enough of that perspective and doesn’t need any more.
Lesson #3 — Everyone else knows something you don’t
Some of my most interesting conversations and relationships have come from interactions I had where no business was done or my expectation wasn’t met. Funny right? One interaction in particular involved me connecting with a young guy going into a new line of work that I found interesting but knew nothing about. Coincidentally he had aspirations towards getting healthier but didn’t know where to start. What happened next? We spoke once a week over the phone for maybe 30–40 minutes sharing our experiences in the industries that both of us found fascinating but neither knew anything about. There are a lot of ways that people make money that I don’t anything about. Just because you (or I) don’t know how something works or can’t make sense of it, doesn’t mean that it’s a scam, illegitimate or lacking credibility or validity. Your personal feelings of not understanding aren’t universal and don’t bestow actual misunderstanding that is universal for all humans everywhere. It’s just you. It just means you’ve stumbled across something that you are too limited to understand yet, something I wrote about here. Well my friends, I have good news for you. You can always learn. I find it interesting to learn how people work and how people make money. It’s one of the ways that I think we can demystify the world and open our eyes to what others actually do so that we have a more nuanced understanding of what makes the world go round.
Too often have I heard people scoff at incredulous income and revenue claims made by others in business as if it can’t be real. Well, what if it is real and you simply lack the ability to understand? You can exchange income and revenue for any other form of value or product or transaction you don’t currently understand. Some people can’t fathom how others are in such good shape but that doesn’t mean they aren’t. You just have a limitation in comprehension. I’ve attended a number of online webinars hosted by internet entrepreneurs showcasing how to build online businesses and guess what? They lead in with their income claims becase it gets your attention. If you actually took the time to look past the headline statements, to shut your mouth, to open your ears, to understand how they’ve set up their business and how long it took them to get to the point where they’re making 6 figures monthly, suddenly it doesn’t seem so outrageous. You’re lack of understanding causes a further lack of understanding and suddenly you avoid things simply because you can’t work them out for yourself with your current mental or emotional capacity. This is a great way to stunt your growth and kill relationships, ideas or businesses. Or all three. Don’t be that guy or gal. Your brain, like your body, needs resistance to adapt and get stronger. It’s physics. Recognize though that you don’t have to want to pursue more strength or capacity. Some people like comfort more than growth.
I’ve written about this before because you can look at knowledge in a few different ways. Two of them are the have and have not angle. You can spend all of your time obsessing over how much you know (or so you think) or you can obsess over how much you don’t know. Now maybe obsess isn’t the right word and maybe you don’t have to live in either extreme but here’s the point. Notice how you behave when presented with information you have no framework or reference point to deal with or handle. It’s quite possible that you have simply found one of your many intellectual failure points, something that is actually beneficial to realize, as covered in this article. If you don’t have sales or business reasons for connecting with and meeting new people, you can simply meet with new people to learn what they know that you don’t. I have yet to meet a person who didn’t love talking about themselves or wasn’t delighted to share their experiences and insights. Plus you never know what hardships a person has overcome to gain the understandings that they’re now sharing with you. Have some respect for other peoples efforts. Once again, humble yourself a bit.
Lesson #4 — Having conversations is a skill that can always be honed
This might literally be my favorite part about having 3–7 meetings per week with people I didn’t previously know. I don’t remember taking any classes in high school or college where all you did was practice having conversations with other people. How many times have you felt awkward not knowing what to say next? How many times have you passively participated in a conversation where the other person guided the interaction and led the engagement? How many times has your desire to ask questions been lost to the discomfort you felt in asking? How do you think you can get better at social skills like this? Sure there are great courses and workshops but assuming you’ve invested money in yourself in this way, you’ll still need to take theory to practice. It’s tough to have do overs in real time, so why not go workshop it and practice? That’s what great athletes do. Problem is, having healthy communication skills is not as initially obvious as having a healthy, sculpted body. And not as sexy, admittedly.
There are so many unique nuances to a persons personality and communication style and learning to navigate them tactfully and genuinely might be one of the most important assets you (and I) can acquire. I am playing the long game with two things in my life. Health and relationships. I want to keep taking small steps in both of these areas towards deeper understanding and mastery. I’m a novice with a lot of failures and mistakes under my belt but I’m eager and I’m willing to fumble and experiment. We probably all have at least one person we look up to for their inspiring ability to get along with and communicate to others in a way that creates mutual engagement. Why not work to become that person? Sure you might not need to go out and have coffee with people you don’t know but think of how much more of an optimal experience you can have if you proactively face your fears and hesitations around communication with others (assuming that this is what you feel is preventing you). It’s well within your power to practice having conversations, asking questions and leading an interaction. You’ll learn how to get better at navigating awkward moments and pitfalls and develop a flexibility and fluidity that will only get better. Unless you stop practicing.
Lesson #5 — The world can be a very friendly place. But only if you choose that perception.
I’m going to wrap this piece up with a slightly jabbier take on a lesson I’ve learned. It’s entirely my perspective based on my experiences and conversations so you may not agree. However, if you don’t agree, I’ll politely ask that you examine how you are responsible for your perception of the world as being unfriendly (because it’s your fault again). Sorry. If you’ve ever moved somewhere new, transferred to a new job or school location or simply ended up in a room where you knew no one, you probably know the feeling of uncertainty, nervousness or potential unknown animosity that you experience or put out into your environment and the people in it. It makes total sense. You have no idea how people will respond to you. It’s part of game theory. But it doesn’t have to be that way. With time and effort, if you go out of your way to introduce yourself to others and get to know them and their backgrounds you’ll come to find that most people are very open and very friendly. They’re probably just as nervous as you are! And that person that is perpetually sour and rude, they were that way before you came across them. You didn’t make them that way and you couldn’t even if you wanted to. Here is where you can begin to approach the world from a childlike or scientific perspective. Start observing what you think is going on around you and what sort of assumptions you are making up about your surroundings. Then start to test them. If you’re right, great! You can enjoy the delicious feeling you probably get from believing you’re right about something. However, if you’re incorrect, you will have the opportunity to embrace a new mental and emotional framework of your environment. That’s bad only if you have no intention to grow and challenge yourself. But one thing, please let the rest of us enjoy ourselves. Poo-pooing others only damages you.
If you find that you’re selling yourself on the idea that people don’t want to be disturbed, interrupted, spoken to, sold to, annoyed, or approached for some reason, check yourself before you wreck yourself. Why do you think that about people? It’s very likely that you’ve arrived at the conclusions you did because that’s how you are and that’s how you operate based on your preferences and level of comfort. But again, that’s you. With time and ongoing effort you’re bound to recognize that many, many other humans are wandering around life craving connection and interaction with another person on some level. We all feel like we are alone or unique in our struggles and challenges but one of the many reasons might just be that we aren’t connecting with enough people to realize that we’re all struggling with something. We all have areas where we succeed and flourish. What if you were the person to turn the tide for yourself and those that come into contact with you? There’s a funny thing about cliches; They actually contain the nuggets of wisdom that, if understood and internalized, would cause dramatic perceptual and behavioral shifts. For example, “be the change you wish to see in the world”. If you want the world to change so that it is more friendly, you can either sit passively and wait like a little kid or a dog for things to be different or, you can begin to conduct yourself in the way you wish others to conduct themselves. Some will ignore you, some will try to stop you or hurt you but some will see you and say “Thank God! Another person like me! Finally!” You cannot control which response you elicit but just know that you will get all of them along the path to finding your allies, whatever that looks like for you and your work. The takeaway is this, we are all way more responsible for our world view than we realize. No one else makes you see things the way you do. It’s all you.
This is as much for me as it is for you because this is what I am seeking as well. Feelings and emotions and love and fear and excitement and curiosity and passion don’t live in your head. They are not things to think about. They are things to be felt and embraced. Thinking, or thinking about feeling is not the same as actually feeling. In fact your capacity to think will be greatly enhanced by your capacity to feel. Think about that! So, with that being said, go out, get uncomfortable and talk to strangers! Maybe your parents were wrong after all….
