After high school, I decided I was going to come to Queen’s University. I knew my goal in life was to become a doctor. It was all I wanted to do. I would always watch shows like House, challenging myself to try and figure out what was wrong with the patient before the cast would. I would always wait for my dad to come home and tell me some of the surgeries he’d performed that day. I couldn’t see myself being anything else, I had no plan B.

I was this 17 year old kid coming to Queen’s University, having never lived away from home. I was confused, scared, but excited. I thought my transition to university life would be seamless; I had taken university courses in high school and felt that university classes would be no problem. I’d also moved around so much in my life that I wasn’t worried in the slightest about moving to Kingston.

Man oh man was I wrong. First year of university was one of the hardest years of my life. I didn’t know who to be anymore. I had no clue what to do with all this new found freedom. How to carry myself. Who to trust. Who to turn to. I made mistakes. I tried to be “that cool kid”, taking everything in stride and let life figure itself out. That didn’t work out for me though. I wasn’t involved in extra-curricular activities. My grades dipped. I wasn’t enjoying myself. I loved Queen’s, but was it home? No. Did I still manage okay? I guess, but I still wasn’t anywhere near where I envisioned myself to be. It got to the point that I considered transferring to Dalhousie to be with my high school friends. The main reason I had left the Maritimes (where I lived during high school) was for a fresh start, to further myself, and put myself on the path to medical school. But what if the next three years at Queen’s were the same as first year? I can’t do this again, I told myself. Where was my drive? I’d completely lost my confidence. For the first time in my life, I doubted myself. Not the type of doubt where you’re like, “Oh man I don’t know if I can go on this roller coaster” or “I doubt I can pass this exam”. This was the “Holy shit what the hell am I doing with my life” kind of doubt.

Second year rolled around, and I had decided I’d stay at Queen’s. I told myself that this would be a better year for me. I thought I had a better grasp of who I was, who I wanted to be. To over compensate for the lack of my involvement in first year, I tried to do everything I could in second year. I HAD to have a perfect year, not for medical school, but for myself. I needed to prove to myself that I could do it all — academics, extra-curricular activities, hobbies, a social life, etc. I’d erase the disaster that was my first year with a stellar second year. Piece of cake right?

I ended up biting off more than I could chew. I never had any time for myself, friends were lost, I fought with my housemates, and again my grades dipped. For the first time in my life, I questioned whether I really wanted to put in all the work to chase my dream. I doubted my abilities, and didn’t know how far I was willing to go anymore. I lost sight of my purpose, often feeling like I was just treading water, not going up, or down.

Fast forward to now. Third year. I finally find myself collected. I have an amazing support system, starting with my family at its core, and my friends being there for me whenever I need it. I have my priorities straight, and I know what suits me best. I love my degree, I love the things I’m involved with, and Queen’s is home. For the first time in years, I finally feel like I am in control again, and only I can impede myself from achieving the goals I set. Obviously, by the time this is read who knows, I could be a mess again, but that’s okay, because I’m grounded. I’m chasing my dreams, and while challenges will continue to arise, I know the direction I want to take in life, and I’ll continue to make the best of it. I don’t know what is going to happen, who I will be, what I’ll do, but I’ve learned that, that’s okay. It doesn’t matter what the dream is, what matters is never to stop believing in it. It would have been so much easier to give up, but I know I never would have forgiven myself.

My drive is what keeps me going, and without it I’m nothing but a shadow of myself.