I don’t really know what I want. I don’t really know what I need . I don’t know what other people need. I feel confused a lot of the time. Not really knowing, you know in, in what direction to go . What things to do or how to, how to live my life properly. Life is interesting though, it’s a bit of a search.

One of my biggest struggles that I’ve experienced in my past, has been trying to accept, and be okay with who I am.

I remember growing up with common childhood angst towards my parents. I didn’t feel they understood or supported me the way I saw parents on TV shows (whatever that was, I’m not exactly sure) because I didn’t feel they cared about what I had to say or understood because I was young. But being in school, I was taught and encouraged to speak up, use my voice when I had something to say. Not in traditional, immigrant family culture was any child going to talk back and challenge their parents that way. I mean, that was the structure but I remember feeling confused and hurt emotionally more than any, physical hurt whenever parental discipline came out. I used to think, how was I supposed to grow without the support I felt I needed? I would cry whenever I was angry, whenever my dad would tell me I was wrong, tell me I’m being too sensitive. I wouldn’t feel I was good enough even for the little things because there was always something else I could do. All I wanted was to show I was strong. Retrospectively, I know this was always out of good intention and from love. I was pushed in every aspect of my development to be the best I could ever imagine. I just needed time to get past it and understand that all those times I didn’t see eye-to-eye with my parents was for the better. They were helping me grow, they were taking care of me in ways I wouldn’t have ever understood. Being a parent I’m sure wasn’t going to be easy or always happy but I will always be grateful for how they raised and continue love me. (I know my dad and mom will read this and at first think that I just described them to be so ruthless — Dad, Mom, I sincerely, without any reservation, love you both deeply.)

Throughout elementary and high school, I wanted nothing more than to achieve. I wanted to make positive differences in my community. I wanted people to recognize and remember me. I wanted to feel valued and important. I participated in clubs, different boards, committees, played on the school’s basketball teams, attended as many conferences and special events as I could, all because I felt the need to be the best. I wanted prove that I was capable of doing it all. I felt I was expected from my family, my teachers and peers to balance everything in life and by showing that to them, my future success would be so clear. To be honest, I enjoyed overachieving and being busy because I thought it meant I was being useful. It meant that I meant something to somebody, and to my family.

I struggled with who I am because I correlated who I was with my apparent level of success. Without success, I wasn’t anybody. For some reason, if I weren’t succeeding, it would make me “less”. I wouldn’t have a reason to be proud because there was nothing tangible being done to show for. For whatever reason, I would feel almost worthless. I would keep pushing, stay up all night, often working on last minute, pressure-filled assignments but also, just being in my head: thinking. Thinking a lot about my future and what it would look like. I would mask all those fears in my work, being stressed, ignoring health and well being because I thought if I slept, I’m missing opportunity. I’m being weak and not man enough to handle “real life struggle”. Don’t get me wrong, I still find Eric Thomas’ talk inspiring but I find it less realistic for everybody to strive towards. What I failed to think about was what I was doing — the clubs, the committees, teams were contributing to what I couldn’t see — my personality, my heart, my deeper understanding of life. Those experiences weren’t about success. They were about the building steps to be a good person. Somebody people could actually hang around and be proud to know.

I have learned that taking care of myself is just as important. Not everything has to happen all at once. It’s okay to plan for the future and believe in it but not make the present moment all about it. So what if our plans don’t happen exactly way we want to? Success, personal achievement and our futures, are not simple, linear destinations. It’s okay not to finish something in one attempt. Tomorrow’s waiting. Patience was something I learned to accept more of too. I think being happier about what’s present helped me accept my idea of the future. Stressing to the point of exhaustion today, will not lead me to a clearer, more certain future.

Opportunity, like money, comes and goes. But when opportunities leave, the implication is always that they never come back. I’ve learned they do! Sure, some opportunities seem more irresistible than others and the “what if’s” won’t subside, but I believe the small decisions we make every day will lead us to where we need to be. I look back and remember all those times I argued and really pushed my parents to allow me to do things outside of class. In my head and heart, it was my desperate call for them to believe in me. I think that’s what helped me get through — Faith. It’s still there. Right here, in me and in everything I do. I hope that one day the struggle I endured then will all be worth it.