Cultivating Patience
“Have patience with all things but first of all with yourself.” — Francis de Sales
Some of my earliest memories revolve around getting into trouble for being impatient. I remember one morning, in kindergarten, sitting in a semi-circle as the teacher read us a book. After reading a page, she turned the book around to show us the picture. But my seat was at the end of the group, so I had to wait until it came all the way around before I could see it. I was impatient, and wasn’t shy about it. “I can’t see it,” I’d say. “Be patient!” Mrs. Bizzigotti replied. But I couldn’t help it; I kept saying it, and by the 4th page, she lost HER patience and sent me to the corner for a time out.
Dictionary.com defines patience as:
The ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.
Being restless and impulsive (AKA spontaneous) has brought me many gifts. For example, I am impatient about traveling. I have a long bucket list of places I want to visit. And the more places I visit, the more I want to see. I’ve met amazing people, had life-changing experiences, and expanded my view of the world. For example, I spent two weeks in the jungles of Ecuador living with and learning about indigenous communities, two months in Roatan where I was introduced to a daily yoga practice; snorkeled with dolphins in Utila (not at a “swim with dolphins’’ facility; in their natural environment) and have traveled around the globe on many scuba diving adventures. Just writing about it makes me want to book my next trip! Fiji, here I come!
So, although being impatient has its up side, it also has a shadow side. I began to get curious about why I am this way, instead of beating myself up about it. Some theories:
- I have a creative brain; It’s always churning with new ideas, projects, and plans. I have such a long list of things I want to do, I need to HURRY UP AND GET THEM ALL DONE!
- My dad was too busy to spend much time with me as a child, so I felt like I had to hurry up and cram everything I needed to say into 5 minutes because he’d be off to work or had to mow the lawn or plant the flowers. I loved playing in the dirt, so I exclaimed “I can help!” One time, he said yes, but 10 minutes into it, he lost his patience with the mess I was making, and sent me off to play with my brother. I was crushed.
- Or, maybe my sense of urgency was born from the trauma associated with my mom’s early death at the age of 44 (I was just 20); I better live for today, because tomorrow might never come.
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I’ll probably never know for sure why I have this sense of urgency; it’s likely a combination of the above, plus other things I am not aware of. And although it’s a good exercise to be curious about the source, what’s more important is how I move forward and turn something that can be destructive into something positive. Here are a few tips that seem to be working for me.
- The first step is noticing that I have entered a state of impatience. This took awhile, but as it turns out, I feel this way quite often, and I realized that my impatience has been a major source of anxiety in my life.
- Once I am aware of the feeling, I try to notice what’s going on internally. My heart is beating fast, I feel warm, and I have a tight feeling in my stomach. My mind is racing and I feel out of control. I feel the urge to run, or hide, or change SOMETHING about my environment.
- Next, I take a few deep breaths and ask myself, “Is there anything good in this situation? Is there something interesting or pleasant that I can focus on during this time?”
I put this into practice two years ago. I got hired at a bed and breakfast at the Jersey Shore, near where I grew up, for the month of October. It wasn’t a paid position, but I got a free room and was just a block from the beach. I thought it would be interesting; meeting new people, hanging out at the beach, enjoying live music, visiting friends and family in the area. As it turned out, the owner wanted me to stay within ten minutes of the house most of the time, just in case he got a last-minute reservation. But not many people come to the Jersey Shore in October, and Covid was still in the air, so it was excruciatingly slow and BORING. The ocean was too cold for swimming, and it wasn’t really sunbathing weather. So the beach wasn’t as appealing as I expected. (not yet, anyway)
And so, I found myself stuck in a situation that felt confining and I began to regret my decision to stay there. I felt the impatience rising up inside me; “What did I get myself into? How many days until I can get out of here? This wasn’t what I expected! “ My heart was beating fast, I felt warm, and my mind was racing.
I could have walked away; my “go to” escape mechanism when I find myself in uncomfortable situations. But I felt like I had a lesson to learn, and didn’t want to bypass an opportunity for spiritual growth. And so, I stayed. I allowed myself to feel the anxiety, the restlessness, the impatience. And then, I asked myself, “Is there something interesting or pleasant that I can focus on while I’m here?” I found the answer in the sand. Instead of swimming in the ocean, as I had planned, I went for early morning walks on the beach. I never get tired of feeling sand under my feet, and plus it was good exercise. I didn’t expect the sand to be the “interesting thing to focus on,” but without the daily onslaught of summer beach-goers, the sand became an ever-changing sculpture; formed by the tides, the winds, the rain, and the birds. Check out the photos here.
I was in awe of how nature transformed the sand every day, while at the same time, disgusted by the ever-present human artifacts like plastic beach toys, condoms and trash. Even so, the sand was my savior. My impatience melted away. Instead of counting the days until my “sentence” was over, I savored every moment and considered extending my stay for another month. Instead of time slowing down, it sped up. I was in the flow; I was present, happy, and excited about sharing my newly-found appreciation of sand.
My beach experience was life-changing. Although I still catch myself feeling impatient and restless, I’m much better at noticing it and pivoting. Most of the time, I move through the world at a slower pace. My body and mind are more relaxed, centered, and present. Life is not longer about rushing through the day so I can get as much done as possible; it’s about savoring every single moment; even when I’m confronted with delay, disappointment, or discomfort.
According to Buddhism, patience is defined in three levels; tolerant, insightful, and forgiving.
Tolerant patience is when we use the situation to develop our own patience. It’s like doing yoga or lifting weights; the stress helps us build up greater resilience.
Insightful patience, or insight into reality, is where we look at the situation and blame ourselves by realizing that we put ourselves into this situation and that we have some responsibility. By taking ownership of the situation, we can do something about it. Ask yourself, “What’s the cause of this?” In the Buddhist context, we extrapolate that out into previous lives, such as, “In my previous life, I harmed this person in some way, and even if they don’t know why, they feel compelled in some way to harm me.” So the insight of patience comes from moving through the bigger picture and understanding there is a much better way of reacting.
Forgiving patience, the highest level, is when we develop a huge degree of patience and good judgment so that when something happens, or when someone injures us, we find the silver lining. Like taking photos of the sand. Like having gratitude for an opportunity for spiritual growth. We feel sympathy and compassion for the person who initiated the difficult situation, and if appropriate, do whatever it takes to help that person.
Thanks for reading; now it’s time for a poem!
The world’s full of beauty, color and light, there is so much to do, so savor each bite.
The sights and the sounds, the people and things. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we sing. Look up — see the stars or the sun or the sky. Look down — it’s the grass or a butterfly.
Then there’s the trees, the flowers and more. How can people say that life is a bore? Let’s cherish each moment, each hour, each day, There’s so much to do and so much to say.
Don’t take it for granted, rise up to new heights, And share your true spirit, each day and each night. Don’t hold back, don’t hold it inside, Share your love with the world, Let your heart be your guide
