I write a blog on the impact, importance and joy of integrating, rather than denying, our mortality into the thoughts and actions of everyday. This blog chronicles the thoughts and feelings that accompanying the fight against Stage IV breast cancer. It also reviews the literature available on death and dying and the common life lessons that seem to be recurring themes. http://theprocessoffacingdeath.blogspot.com

I‘m originally from Indiana and spent most of my life counseling or teaching. My husband and I moved to Melbourne Florida in August after we both found ourselves freed from commitments that held us in Indiana. We had always wanted to move south when we retired and while I had another six years before retirement, my husband qualified for disability due to his Parkinson’s so I found a job in Florida and off we went. We were not planning on my cancer returning but it did and with a vengeance. Within one month of the move I found it had metastasized and so I was considered Stage IV.

This blog will chronicle what emotions, thoughts and actions accompany this journey of hope and hopelessness, highs and lows, advances and setbacks. My original prognosis was 2 years and yet my surgeon says there is a possibility of 6 or more and there are times when my oncologist still thinks aggressive treatment could even lead to a cure. I hope to be accepted to an experimental trial program as well. To say that this will be a chronicle of what goes through someone’s mind as they face death may not be totally accurate as there will undoubtedly be forays into periods when I may not believe that death is as imminent as it sometime seems.

I ‘m not sure how much longer I have to live but I do know that it will probably be somewhere between 2 and 6 years. I’m 60 years old but have been a high school guidance counselor for most of my career which makes me 39 tops. My parents are both 85. I used to be thankful that I had their longevity genes. I no longer plan on living another 25 or more years which severely changes just about everything in my life. I am no longer working due to the effects of the chemotherapy. I have been awarded a permanent disability from social security and every time I submit paperwork for insurance companies my doctor writes that I will be on chemo for the rest of my life. However, she has treated the cancer aggressively and even though it metastasized to a lymph node in my abdomen, the chemo seems to have eradicated any presence of cancer in that area. With surgery after chemo and radiation after that, there is the slightest of chances we could get it all. However, we are both realistic enough to know that I will probably spend the rest of my life knocking it down every time it reappears until the chemo is either no longer effective or the collateral damage of poisoning everything else in my body on a regular basis causes other organs to fail.

How do I deal with it? What are my alternatives? My family and friends all say I am strong and brave and have an amazing attitude. I don’t know why. I go to chemo, I sleep when I’m sick, I take the meds and try to be as upbeat a person as I have always been. We live our entire lives in denial of death. That’s a hard habit to change. I’ve done all the expected stuff — the will, the living will, power of attorney, finances in order, house in order, bought a boat, etc. which helps settle part of the mind. It also moves you and your family a little closer to acceptance but the feeling doesn’t last long.

I don’t look like I have a terminal disease except for being bald which people get used to. Half the time I forget about it and leave the house without my wig or a hat. You’d be amazed at the service you get when you go somewhere bald (as a woman anyway). My husband has a hard time leaving my side but he says he expects me to conquer the cancer and live a long life with him. My 26 year old son believes the same thing and got really upset with me when I ordered several books on death and the dying process. He’s afraid that exploring how others deal with mortality might screw up my attitude.

We have all heard of the 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These are not rigid nor are they necessarily chronological. Lenny Bruce did a great comedy sketch on these stages once. I can vouch for the fact that tears can come up at the oddest times and denial never really goes away. Anger and bargaining require someone to be angry at and bargain with. While I believe in God, I was raised Catholic and my God is a God of guilt and retribution meaning anything I got, I deserved, there is no changing His mind. While I am no longer and haven’t been a practicing Catholic in a long time, I feel that if God were willing to bargain, He wouldn’t have given me the cancer in the first place. I have a fatalistic relationship with God that just doesn’t let anger or bargaining in the picture. I’ve prayed to be able to handle what He gives me not be spared from it.

My life has been a lot of hard work and stress. I wouldn’t want to go through it again. When dealing with cancer seems like a break, something is really wrong with your life. However, I do thank God often for my many, many blessings, especially my kids. I have wonderful parents and was blessed with an extraordinary extended family. I have been given experiences beyond compare in education and travel, jobs, homes and especially being able to spend time with my kids. I was just taught that my many blessings were underserved gifts and my trials were a result of sin and therefore my fault.
I see my whole life as already known to God and I see me as a result of everything that has happened to me in my life. Therefore, whoever I am at the time of my death is a compilation of how I incorporated all God gave me to handle throughout my life. If He were in control of all I encountered, then He must have known which experiences I needed to go through to be what He wanted me to be at the end of my life. My hope is that I don’t disappoint.

Obviously, this will be a very personal log and much of what applies to me will not apply to you. A friend of my died of breast cancer a few years ago and because of my school schedule, I was able to spend a lot of time with her just before she died. I think we expect people who are close to dying to possess a special kind of wisdom about death and dying. I didn’t want to press her but I was really curious about how she was dealing with it all. She was a devout Christian and that faith in seeing Jesus and her husband was a tangible factor in how she faced death. She also described it as very emotional too however, as she would be leaving her children, other family, church friends, home and everything she has ever known. I was there the night she announced she only had 6 months to live and the time just seemed to fly by. Here it was 6 months later and she was facing the inevitable. How long does it take to really prepare for death? I think she did the best she could. She was very brave. she told another friend of mine that she enjoyed spending time with her because she didn’t ask a lot of questions. Point taken! I should have just played cards with her and watched her favorite shows with her. Maybe she wanted a break from thinking about it. Perhaps hope takes on the face of denial or escape toward the end. She and I are very different however and so how we deal (dealt) with a terminal disease would be different too.
I am in the process of reviewing the literature on death ad dying in order to learn as much as I can from others who have attempted to do what I’m doing. It doesn’t seem depressing or macabre to me right now — perhaps because death itself still seems a while away. I want to know how others deal with the fear and sadness of leaving, how the disease itself affects the body and mind and the medical processes of fighting this disease. I look forward to hearing from others who have insights to share.