Lori Wisniewski
Aug 23, 2017 · 3 min read

Yes. I Hate Calibri and Here’s Why

To understand, you should know that I’m a Helvetica purist. Or I used to be until it was bastardized and turned into Arial. Helvetica just had more flair. I little sway in its hips. Just the right amount of sass. Look at the capital R in Helvetica. It feels like it’s ready to start a kick line. It had energy and life. Helvetica was sublime.

When Helvetica was ‘modernized’ and turned into Arial, I was pissed for a decade or more. I even had a bootleg Helvetica font file on an old computer that I hung onto for years. And then technology outsmarted me and I wasn’t able to make Microsoft comply. But back in my Word Star days, I could still use Helvetica freely.

I eventually stopped mourning the loss of my beloved Helvetica and accepted Arial. It’s ok. It’s not perfect. I worked out my issues and my relationship with Arial eventually became rock solid. My eye briefly wandered to both Verdana and Tahoma, but they were just fleeting one-week-stands. Then Century Gothic and I dated for about a month, but it was too big for its britches. Nobody can be that fancy all the time.

One day several years ago, Arial Narrow showed up in an email to me. And I started to smile. That slowly widening Grinch smile that starts from the inside. It literally made me sit up and read the words without skimming. It was neat, slim, and sharp at the edges, with thin lines that weren’t so thin I had to squint to see clearly, but still felt light on the screen. It had everything. I had finally found font nirvana. I made Arial Narrow my default in all my programs and happily went about my life. I still use Arial occasionally, but Arial Narrow makes me smile as my go-to font.

And then my company installed a new version of Office on my system. With it came this horror called Calibri. It’s supposedly the next generation of sans serif fonts. And I hate it. It’s pudgy and weak and dumpy. It is the kudzu vine of the font world. It systematically infected all my software and as the DEFAULT, no less! A new version of Office takes me hours and hours to change everything to strip it out and somehow it manages to continue to bounce back. I despise it. It makes me angry. Like 3-day-waiting period angry.

Here’s how I see it. Arial is the capable, reliable Business Analyst. Absolutely necessary, can’t do without her, a workhorse, wicked smart, but sometimes overlooked or ‘under heard’. When she needs to show some teeth, she calls in Arial Narrow because she’s smart enough to know it’s not what you know, it’s WHO you know.

Arial is me.

Now Arial Narrow is not sassy like Helvetica was. No. She’s more subtle than that. She’s not Arial because you would never overlook her. Arial Narrow is crisp, modern, and slender. She begs you to question her authority. Without being taller, Arial Narrow just feels taller. She is metaphorically how I feel on my best days. Not dumpy and round and slightly goofy, but tall and powerful and commanding. Arial Narrow never rambles and regrets some of the words that come out of her mouth. She is the leggy executive with the hair in a neat, tight ponytail wearing a pencil skirt and smelling slightly of jasmine. You don’t skim Arial Narrow. You absorb her.

She is my fantasy me.

And the new guy? Well Calibri is the weak, ineffective boss who has no idea how to do his job. Calibri limps along through his career getting promoted by being in the right place in the right decade. He smells like stale cigarettes and sweat. He has no style, sports a greasy combover, and drives a 1992 Honda Accord. He chews with his mouth open and takes naps in his office with the door closed. Someday, at home, drinking cheap beer on the toilet, his heart will explode and nobody will find him for days. And someone at work will say ‘I dunno, I thought he retired or something. But you’re right, I haven’t seen him around in ages.’

Calibri is nothing. And nobody will miss him when he’s gone.

I read an article recently that Calibri was used to prove fraudulent documents in a bizarre case in Pakistan. If that’s true, it will be the only good thing it’s ever done.

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