I don’t know. At some point I decided to take control of my life. It was not only men I have been forced to “surrender to” in the past, but women and their expectations of what my behavior should be as well. I try to judge each situation and person in that moment. If someone opens one set of doors for me I make sure to open the next…as an act of reciprocal politeness, not a political statement. The political statement comes when the person’s — male or female — attitude requires it.

But admittedly, this is now. As someone who was raised by a strong woman who sent me to a male-only HS for math and science in NYC when “they” had just allowed girls to attend (circa ’69 they passed the law allowing for this entry and I attended in ’70 when there were 80 girls among 3600 boys who, by the way, were not the problem), I have had my share of “healthy” sexist experiences — then and up to today. Again, I deal with each situation as it arises… take a strong stand when necessary and accept the generosity of spirit when it presents itself.

I no longer stand for the “endless parade of minor indecencies, artful put-downs, implicit shushes, subtle dismissals, or friendly coercions under the cover of niceness” and instead respond in kind, often mimicking the behavior presented to me, or should I say at me. This “taking of control” has eliminated a good deal of the “hum.” So I am called a bitch, cunt, and other schoolyard names both to my face and behind my back. So what? Such monikers are a reflection of the mouth they come out of not me of my person. One has to stand strong or get taken under the tidal flow.

PS I have had just as many women judgingly look me up and down as men, albeit for different reasons, but rude just the same. At the same time, I do my fair share of looking but perhaps more discretely…