I would articulate 2015 as my year of learning. Why? In simple terms, I’ve realized who I am but more importantly I understand on a deeper level how and why I need to heal myself.
The reasons why are beyond any article on Medium but I feel compelled to share this moment and period of time to which I can only articulate as “the shift.” The exact moment this shift took place puzzles me to this day but I felt it and I know it happened.
So what exactly happened?
The shift happened around July 2015. To give some background, this year was the crux of a 3-year perpetual feeling of being lost. I realized that as confident and capable as I am, being lost completely deflates all. But being lost and feeling stuck are the results of allowing yourself to feel so. While we cannot control the entire world, we do control our own world or our “tiny skull-sized kingdoms” as David Foster Wallace once said.
If you remember nothing else from this tiny story, my hope is you remember this:
“You control every choice of your life and you need to own it.”
Now of course, we make excuses. We contemplate, we ponder, we weigh, oh do we weigh, but at the end of the day we own our lives. In my case, I embarked down the road of my most recent choice and it almost broke my all-encompassing, positive, loving and entrepreneurial spirit. What I realized with the help of those I am lucky to surround myself with is that I am a survivor.
I am a fierce warrior.
My name, first and last, means Fierce Warrior, and it has come to be the foundation of my shift. What I now understand is self-awareness. With the help of Gary Vaynerchuk shoving this notion in our faces and rightfully so (Thanks Gary!) my inner queen has been released. She has taken control and she has embraced the warrior she always was.
The lesson lives in understanding that we become who we are through struggle, through sadness, through failure. We see into the future by living through the present. For years, I lived in the future, planning ahead, planning forward, hoping for better and in the process I lived for nothing.
Now I live only as a fierce warrior, where the complex woman, the animal, the being within me continues to search for something, for meaning. That is my story and that will never change. Every choice, every moment, every challenge, every person I meet will begin with that story.
This is the year that I graduated from being a girl to a woman.
That is the shift.