Of the last song, Baba Jani, memories, pain and countless tears — Kadi Aawo بیتے زمانے
beetay zamaanay
Ages have passed

کسی بہانے
kisi bahaanay
Yet the thought of my sweetheart

اسے یاد کروں
ussay yaad karun
Is still with me

ہیں جو یادیں بھکری مورے انگنا
hain jo yaaden bhikri moray angina
Every corner of my home is filled with your memories

کبھی تو بھی یاد کرے
kabhi tu bhi yaad karay
I hope you also think of me sometimes

وہاں جانے کے بعد ساری عمر
wahaan jaanay kay baad saari umar
Even though you went away

کبھی تو بھی یاد کرے
kabhi tu bhi yaad karay
I hope you remember me as long as you live

Artist: Mai Dhai and Atif Aslam
Title: Kaḍe Aawo — کڈے آوو — Come Sometime
Language: Marwari, Urdu, Punjab

#cokestudio8 ; Episode 6

This was the last song me and my father heard together for the last time. While we were watching coke studio and as soon as this part started, my father started smiling. I thought he like the song but now that I think of it, countless thoughts start fighting in my mind. Was he smiling because this part was about house filled with memories and remembering someone. Or was smiling because it stroked a cord of a memory. Or was he smiling for something he wanted to share? If I keep going on, this blog post would never end. The night we heard this song was 9th Zil-Hajj, 24th September, 2015. It was almost 2 am. How can I be sure? I haven’t forgotten a moment and because as soon as the song ended, the headlines started and my father got up, giving me instructions to lock the door and turn off the lights before going to bed. Those were the last words of my father to me. If I see it from a different perspective, he was indirectly advising me to make sure to keep a check on the locks to take care of the family.

After I lost my father, I didn’t speak to anyone for a whole month. I kept pushing away anyone and everyone who showed concern because I was expecting it from elsewhere, which I never got. Nobody but me is to be blamed for that. Anyways, few people actually came to help me because they’ve been through this phase and they understood what I must be feeling or going through. One of them, I wouldn’t call her my ‘well-wisher’ but a ‘friend’ because she proved to be one when I didn’t even have my own friends by my side. I didn’t ask her to help me with what I am going through, she just stepped up and said everything my ears wanted to hear. She talked about what others didn’t and I needed that. I vividly remember that she said that later on, little things, memories would make me tear up. Which was cent percent true. I have suppressed every emotion, every tear & fear even that now keeping everything bottled up is damaging me, breaking me.

This song, after my father’s death, for the first time I heard on 9th of November. I was at work, right in the middle of the song, I pulled earphones out of my ears and rushed to the ladies room and cried for a minute or two maybe. That day I felt pain. I did not numb myself. I heard the song again yesterday (6th of December) somewhere in between 7:05–7:10pm. My mother, till yesterday was unaware of the fact that of how painful this song is for me. In 74 days, for the 2nd time she had to see me cry. The first time I cried was on 15th, of November, when on the way back from market the rickshaw wala took a different route back home which was the route to the hospital which declared my father dead. My father died somewhere on that road. Although, that night still haunts me but that day broke me bad. It flashed those moments in a way that felt like its piercing my soul deeper and deeper, awakening me to feel what happened and what have I lost.

I wrote this not because I had to let it out. I have given good amount of thoughts over sharing my experience with grief. Everyone deals with it differently and goes through it differently too. But the person in grief needs people to be there for them. So, I wrote this for if you know someone lost a loved one, please give them a hand. Grieving phase is one of the toughest phase of one’s life. If you can help someone in anyone, help them before they turn themselves dead from inside. And when they wake up, they not only hate themselves but turn into a cold person and regret it later on.

Originally posted on Lost amidst chaos…