The Myth of the Lone Wolf:

How important are healthy, male friendships to adolescent development?

Hmm…

I moved into a new apartment back in December. Like many millennials (and to my mother’s horror), I’m paying more for less space in order to move to a trendier part of the city. As I began packing my life in boxes, it was quickly evident that downsizing was a must.

Clothes I had no trouble donating, and many of my trinkets were tossed…but books? It’s the thing I have the most of, and the hardest time parting with. In the end, I packed up all of my books, vowing to read the unread books, and to re-read my cherished favorites.

It’s nearing 8 months of habitation in my no-longer-so-new apartment, and I’m just getting around to this project. I decided to begin with re-reading some of my old favorites, and of course Sherman Alexie’s The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian was at the top of this list.

A quick summary for the unfamiliar: Our protagonist is a Native American boy named Junior, who has grown up on an Indian Reservation in Spokane, Washington. Junior is smart and ambitious, and quickly realizes that life on “the rez” will squander his potential. He convinces his parents to let him transfer to a predominantly white high school in the town over. Our story follows the ups and downs of Junior’s freshman year, particularly the challenges of feeling like you are stuck between two worlds.

No more spoilers, but I will tell you that this story makes me cry every time. It is so raw with emotion, in part due to the fact that much of the story is inspired by Alexie’s own adolescence experiences.

There are so many parts of this story that make it wonderful, but the part that caught my attention most in my re-reading was the relationship between our protagonist and his best friend, Rowdy. Junior’s decision to leave school on the reservation was perceived by Rowdy as a personal betrayal. The school transfer severs a bond between the boys. The loss of this friendship, and the hurt and loneliness that follows, are central to the story and to Junior’s coming-of-age experience.

The power of friendship! Rowdy and Junior in Part-Time Indian.

Junior’s need for Rowdy’s friendship gets him labeled as a “wuss” a “pussy” and a “fag.” Junior persists nonetheless, insisting that this friendship is the thing that brings him the most joy. His pursuit for Rowdy’s friendship is even stronger than his pursuit of his crush, Penelope.

I am so sad to say this, but it is important to note: I can think of no other story in YA Lit where the dogged pursuit of platonic, male friendship is at the forefront of the story. Literature leads us to believe that there comes a time in adolescent development when males begin to push aside their friendships in exchange for professional or romantic pursuits.

Is literature simply capturing a very-real phenomenon, or have generations of lone-wolf protagonist’s like The Catcher in the Rye’s Holden Caulfield created a blueprint for masculinity that men feel compelled to follow?

How and why are we socializing boys into thinking that male friendship is insignificant?

Long before she was a professor (my professor!) at New York University, Niobe Way was a school counselor at an urban public high school. It was there, back in the 1980s, that she became fascinated with what she later called the “crisis of connection” with adolescent males.

In an article with The New Yorker back in 2011, Way explains, “I realized that these patterns among boys have been ignored by the larger culture because such expressions are considered by this culture as girlish and gay. Thus, to admit that boys have or want emotionally intimate male friendships, or to reveal their emotional sensitivity, is to implicitly accuse them of being gay. Rather than questioning why emotional sensitivity and emotionally intimate friendships are given a sex (female) and a sexuality (gay), we simply ignore boys’ friendships and the ways in which they do not fit our gender stereotypes.”

Must…get…swole…

Reflecting on my own high school experience, I remember how often my boyfriend often complained about the superficiality of his male friendships. Society generalizes and excuses male’s behavior with the belief that adolescent males have sex as their number one priority. For many adolescent males, I wonder if they are seeking more than physical closeness with their pursuit of romantic interests. I suspect that the need for an emotional confidant is a driving force in many adolescent males seeking relationships (it is only after losing his friendship with Rowdy that Junior pours his energy into pursuing Penelope).

It is one thing to have your grad school professor tell you that the stereotypes surrounding male friendships are wrong; it’s another to see it yourself. From my own observations, middle school is filled with healthy male friendships. I would say that my happiest students are those with close confidants. Many of my students who struggled emotionally and academically were those who were wrapped up in the pursuit of romantic relationships alone.

In the past four years as an educator, I have found that adolescent male friendships are capable of being as strong and healthy and happy as their female peers. I have witnessed countless occasions of boys offering emotional support to one another. It breaks my heart to think that many of these male friendships will crumble in high school.

We need to stop romanticizing the “lone wolf” stereotype that teaches men to be emotionally illiterate, stoice and independent. Evidence proves that close friendships are integral to a healthy transition into adulthood.

In Way’s book, she explains: Close friendships provide a sense of self-worth, validation, and connectedness to the larger world and significantly enhance psychological, physical, and academic health. Adolescents without close friendships are at risk of depression, suicide, dropping out, disengagement from school, early pregnancy, drug use, and gang membership. Research has even suggested that the effects of the quality of friendships on adjustment may be stronger for boys than for girls.

We need more protagonist’s like Junior, characters that aren’t afraid to show emotion, and who believe resolutely in the power of friendship. Emotional vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. Literature must also play it’s part in reminding young boys that “real men” thrive in packs, not solitude.

Ah…now that’s better. Wolves, like humans, are highly social animals!

Stuck In the Middle

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Musings on education and adolescent angst, from the mind of a middle school educator.

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