Destructive Behavior in a Creative Life

I’m scared.

I’m scared of my self mainly; because of who I’ve become and the fact that now when I look into the mirror I apathetically say “I’m sorry I’m not good enough. I’m sorry I’m not better for you.” There are no excuses to be made, and it seems that there are no plans for change to be made either. It’s complete acceptance and denial all in one apology. I’m giving up.

my biggest dreams scare me more than my worst fears

I started to say my dreams out loud, as if they were a tangible destination I could build a plan towards. Maybe manifesting my dreams in conversations and plans would bring me closer to accomplishing them? They without a doubt took life when leaving my mouth, but they turned into monsters. By saying them out loud, they were suddenly obstacles that seemed undefeatable. The more friends and family and strangers asked about what I’d want in the future the more undetermined I became. My dreams sounded ridiculous out loud. I think initially they sounded ridiculous because I forced myself to hear them through the ears of my unsupportive listener. I’m starting to realize however, I’ve been the unsupportive listener all along. By criticizing the practicality of my dreams they began to crumble, and now less and less of them are able to spill out.

“Where do you want to go to college?” “What do you want to do after high school?” “What are you planning on majoring in?” What do you want to be?”

I don’t know.

I’m hesitant to write them here as well. My dreams need no fuel to the fire that’s yearning to burn them.

I will tell you that I wish to create.

I used to be desperate for creation. I fully believed that we, as humans, were made to create, and it was definitely something I needed to be doing, personally. Creating was cathartic.

Now I’m terrified to create. Scared to even try. Now that my dream has been legitimized as a dream, I fear I’m unable to pursue it. Even when I somehow find slight motivation to reach for a tool my hands become destructive, especially towards my own health. I feel called to create and this destructive behavior is destroying me.