Having No Friends

There comes a time when you remember everything that went wrong with your life, and this is one of those times.

I’ve been going to the same university for 3 years now, excluding the 1 year that I spent doing co-op, I spent 2 supposed golden years of my supposed golden youth in the place that is supposed to become the best time of my life. Yet still, I have no friends.

Prior to coming to Canada, I had a lot of expectations as to what the four years of my university life would be like. I still remember the anecdotes my middle school teacher shared with us about his dorm-mates, it sounded so lovely and still every bit as enchanting as it is now. Knowing that I won’t have any dormmates going to uni because my uni was close to home, I still decidedly believed that I would definitely meet my best friends for life, my other halves, my soul mates, in a campus as big as mine.

And I did, at first.

I met a group of energetic, goofy, and kind kids in my first year, and we became what the internet nowadays would call “squad”. We would go to lectures together, save seats for each other, make jokes, laugh, and do all the things squads do. It was the best time of my time, it still is. I remember waking up every day, feeling absolutely fulfilled because I know that there are friends waiting for me at school, that I would spend another great day, far away from the clique culture induced misery in high school, and enjoy being myself.

But the good times didn’t last long. Slowly I realized how much difference there is between me and the rest of the squad. I was friendly with everyone but a few of them seem to connect way better with each other than I do. I remember one day, we were all standing there in a circle talking about something, then suddenly the conversation grew more and more awkward because I wasn’t close enough to establish a seamless conversation with the rest of the group. I looked around in the circle at everyone’s face, they all somehow shrank from my look because they felt the awkwardness and distance. At that moment, I felt all the loneliness and sadness in the world. Then I fled. I slowly start to realize that they weren’t my real friends. And I started to spend more time being by myself instead of with them, although we still go to lecture together, laugh together and eat together. I haven’t found my real friends yet. Why haven’t I found them yet? I asked myself, over and over, night after night. Until I wore myself out and wore all my new found happiness out.

Then I found the answer. I wasn’t good enough. I don’t know how to communicate with people well enough to make them understand me and like me instantly, like people use to when I was in China. And that was also the reason why I was often met with blank looks and cold shoulders when I talked to people outside my squad or entirely different from my squad. My squad was at least nice enough to listen, but others, no. Then I thought to myself, I need to become better, I need to become one of those people who own the conversation, who can walk into a room and make everyone wants to talk to him or her. That’s who I wanted to be. So I made one of the most important choices of my life: I transferred campus.

Moving from my first campus to the second was a big decision, and also a tough one. Because that means: first, I will have to start all over again, second, I’ve taken a course or two at the second campus, it’s downtown, it’s much bigger and busier, and with that, comes a greater distance between people, and that means, while I’m still learning how to become a better communicator, there’s an increased amount of challenge in terms of the environment.

The time for the transfer came quicker than I thought, and it came at a perfect time because my coop work term has just ended. I was already slightly out of touch with my squad and didn’t make any friends at coop. Also my two best friends decided to leave me. So I was ready to start my new life, like a lone cowboy who seeks hope at a new town.

And the challenge was on, it hit me way faster and harder than I thought. My first year at the downtown campus was brutal. The entire year nobody talked to me, I had to take the initiative to make conversations. Talking to people was never hard for me, but with the added insecurity and pressure of doing well in school, I STINKED. Sometimes I feel stupid even before I opened my mouth, and since computer science is famous for it’s socially non-active population, my failure was even more pronounced. My confidence deflated like a balloon and my self-esteem was doing even worse. I basically gave up to talking to boys since more often than not our conversations end in awkward silences. And in terms of girls, I met a few that I can talk to, but there’s not much we can talk about.

Fast forward to today, I’m starting my second year at the downtown campus. I felt a bit more natural at conversations, and more grownup. I don’t know if it’s the campus or if it’s just me. But things seemed less insufferable than my first year here. I’m making new friends, though still no close ones. And occasionally I still feel like I’m stuck in the infinite loop of wanting to meet someone new, mess up, and ruin our chances at being good friends. I still kinda of feel that it’s not just me who’s at fault. It’s kind of everything. This campus, this school, this city.

I’m still waiting for the day to come. The day when I meet someone who I can trust my life with, having endless conversation about nothing with, go to Stranger Things pop up shop or visit weird local events with. I genuinely hope that when that someone comes along, I’m still in my 20s, and I’m still too young to accept facts as given, but not illusions of circumstances.