On doubt, leaving a job and not knowing.

Photo by Jaroslav Devia on Unsplash

I’m leaving a job that has brought me the strongest sense of professional fulfilment I’ve felt since I started working (and without the tears of stress and overwork).

As we are parting ways on agreeable terms and both sides hoping things had gone differently, I know this is the right decision for me but I feel that somehow I could also very well stay.

So why I am leaving?

I wonder every day.

About moving country, changing jobs. And for both I have rational answers.

And for both I feel doubt.

My basis relationship with doubt is the following: if I doubt, it’s uncomfortable, so it means I’m not sure of my decision, so I should remove the source of doubt and discomfort and go back on what I said and/or try to make it up for the person/situation.

I dislike doubt. I will avoid it as much as I can. Because well, it makes me doubt myself.

And after 29 years of disliking doubt, this year I decided that maybe I could try another approach, since the existing hadn’t exactly proven successful or hadn’t participated in making the process one that I can trust and support myself through.

And the other approach doesn’t include liking doubt — just to be clear. Or at least I’m not there at the moment and not planning on getting there, I still very much dislike doubt.

What I’ve been learning to do is to not consider so much whether I like doubt or not but accept that it’s here and a rather healthy part of decision making.

So whenever I am going through change, it makes sense that doubt is included, just like whenever I need to take a decision, through the process I will doubt.

So I give myself time to doubt, to investigate scenarios, to feel different emotions without necessarily acting on them, just to give them space.

And after some days, weeks or months, sometimes years also (there’s no given timeline, and I more often than not don’t know how long I will need to make up my mind), then the path builds itself. But the doubt somehow always stays to a certain extent.

The aim isn’t to remove the doubt. It is to feel it, so that I have access to information from myself on where to say no and where to say yes.

At the moment, in the middle of several leap of faiths that gathered all at once, it makes sense that I have no clue what I am doing or whether things will go a certain way. I can only trust in myself, see how things have turned out so far whenever I took a leap of faith and take it step by step, day by day.

And feel. This is the hard part. To feel and look at myself with sincerity.

To a period of doubt, of anger, sadness and grief, there is so much I don’t know. But with me by my side I can go. And through it is.

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Lotus

Writer at heart, architect during the day. Trying to be a decent human being and to find ways to live a life full of heart.