One Woman’s Truth About Being Preggers
I’m currently hiding in the bathroom from my needy, spring-fevered, three-year-old cat. She goes nuts some mornings and has to either be held or be outside. Unfortunately, she can’t go outside. For one main reason—she loves a good cat fight and has ended up at the vet numerous times due to fights she’s started. It’d be one thing if she picked fights and won, but she’s a scrappy, little thing and rarely wins. She then ends up costing us $150 a visit to treat lovely, cat-bite abscesses. Sorry, kitty … you must accept your life inside.
So here I sit on the edge of the tub, watching her little black paw swoop under the door. All of this silliness, me writing in the bathroom, hiding from a creature who depends on me, makes me wonder if I’ll be a mama who hides. Haha! I bet I will.
I’m an introvert at heart and I crave those few moments of solitude to collect myself and feel whole again. I’m sure my children will be no exception. Come to think of it, I’m sure my mama did the same. Ha! I should ask her about that.
It’s funny how being pregnant changes your perspective of EVERYTHING. In addition to seeing my mom in a different light, I find myself staring at my husband’s face wondering what features he’ll pass on to our little one. Will our little human make that same face when she makes jokes? Will she move her lips in the same way when she’s being sarcastic? It’s all fascinating to me. Well, it is now. I don’t want to sugar coat this thing we all call pregnancy.
Because WOAH!? I was not prepared, physically or mentally, for the first trimester. I felt nauseous almost everyday with no relief in sight. Feeling like a seasick sailor alone can mess with your psyche. But then add to that, RAGING hormones, organs shifting and growing breasts … hello sobbing breakdowns! I’ve only experienced two so far (and Jamison talked me through them like a champ), but in between them, I felt continuiously on the verge of a breakdown. Like a wide-eyed cartoon with glistening tears about to overflow at any minute.
No one told me about this! I was shocked I felt so out of control and unhappy about giving up my body to someone else. And then I felt guilty because everyone else was so excited for us. Not to mention, most pregnant women I’ve known loved every part of being pregnant (or so they said). Why was I reacting like this? Did these feelings already make me a bad mom? Would this baby be able to sense how I was feeling about her?
The reason I wanted to write these thoughts out and release them into the digital ether was for any mama out there who might be feeling the same way. Even if there’s just one of you, I want you to know that you’re not alone! And these feelings are ok. But best of all it gets better.
I’ve officially emerged from the black hole of trimester one and I’m starting to feel hopeful again. I still gag randomly from time to time and experience more emotions than your average human, but the excitement (that so many speak of) is starting to sneak in. I find myself making more preparations and wanting to get ready for this new human we’re bringing into the world.
And until July 29, my husband will just have to keep denying my requests to put makeup on him … “Please, I just want to see what a girl version of you might look like.” I wonder if she’ll roll her eyes like he does?