Plumbing Protocols of Anglican Inhospitality

My dear Wormwood,

Congratulations on securing for peepees a controlling place on the agenda for the Anglican Communion!

This distraction is no small achievement. I wish you were here to share giggles and port with me.

Not since the First Council of Jerusalem have peepees enjoyed such episcopal notice. We can expect the bishops to give far less time to the Enemy’s protocols of feeding the hungry, caring for the sick, rescuing refugees and distributing the Enemy’s bounty justly! Ha ha!

Get a man worked up over another man’s peepee and we can hope to restore the Patriarchy to its historic heights. Giggle, giggle!

Even when you were only seven you mastered puns. Small wonder that you became my closest family member.

That said, please do not become complacent over your latest victory. Remember well that we actually lost when we got peepees on the agenda of the Council of Jerusalem.

Before the council met, circumcision was required of every new Christian male. We have never had a more effective tool? to limit evangelism.

Don’t admit our failure publicly, but learn from it as we face new developments in London.

It’s all right and even enjoyable for you and me to giggle about the pomposity of proper Anglicans getting all worked up about zippers and their underlings, but look closely at how St. Paul won. He must have been an Anglican in advance because he mastered the “Anglican Muddle.”

Few can even remember the terms that ended circumcision. By the year 200, most people were embarrassed that circumcision had ever been required. So too might people wonder why we have ever gotten worked up over the peepees of any two people who love each other.

Of course you and I could never have cared less: it is the utility of forbidding homosexuality that serves your purpose and mine. Debating it keeps people’s focus away from doing justice, loving mercy, and walking humbly.

Sugar, when people start doing those three things you and I will be out of work except in the lower regions of The Department of Weeping, Wailing, and Gnashing of Teeth.

Nephew, we have a very cushy gig and should do all we can to protect it.

If we are careful we may come through the current peepee fixations with strong advantage. For example, I understand that you’ve been working on Archbishop Justin. Keep whispering into his ear that now might be a good time to dissolve the Anglican Communion. Run with that. Should that happen, you and I can count on a very fine promotion from our boss.

Your loving uncle, Screwtape

Sent from Screwtape’s iPod by his scribe, Louie Crew Clay