Many men aren’t looking for a true partner, they are looking for a fan. That doesn’t mean that they will settle for just anyone. They want someone who is beautiful, forgiving, loving, caring, and smart and funny enough to recognize how smart and funny they are. After all — if someone whose capabilities they don’t respect, provides appreciation of them, it doesn’t have the same kind of value.
The men who are looking for a fan, eventually change gears, and I can see that they have not valued my qualities on their own merit. They begin to scrutinize or utterly ignore any personal use of my valuable qualities (like for my career or own enjoyment), in an attempt to discourage me from wielding them in ways that are not perceived to benefit them.
‘I don’t shine if you don’t shine’ is simply NOT the motto for these men. It is ‘you really shine when you are making sure that I am shining.’ They LOVE that you are such a capable woman — who not only creates and sustains her own glow, but then dedicates herself to filling out what’s lacking in their luster, and perpetually polishing the rest. They are not whole people, they are hole-people. They will fill that hole with you, your capabilities, your shine, and your wholeness, as much as you will allow it.
I believe a true co-shine-ship is possible, but you won’t be able to teach it into this fan-seeking kind of man. If you try, you will discover that is also real as fuck — as in — a real fucking waste of your amazingly valuable time, qualities, and overall brilliantly blinding shininess!
Fortunately, there are other kinds of men. I try to remember that, and have been reminded via your story, @priya. Thank you for your story, and inspiration.