The Year I Dated Myself With Prince On The Side: How the Purple One Revamped My Life
I have always been old school. My first favorite musical group was Queen. I have vivid memories of bouncing around in my Lion King pajamas to “We Will Rock You.” Quickly after that, I discovered Elton John and fell in love with his trademark shades and rockabilly flair. Further down the road, in middle school, I went through a big David Bowie phase, fascinated by his unique look and transformative lyrics. My mother arranged my 11th birthday party around going to see a local production of “Saturday Night Fever.” My friends and I proudly posed with our disco fingers in the air, unaware of the mature subject matter we were about to absorb. Throughout my entire adolescence, my mother raised me on a wonderful (now defunct) radio station in San Diego, CA called KYXY 96.5, which catered to soft rock. As an adult, I largely credit KYXY for my preference of old school music over the tunes of today. So many years of Simon and Garfunkel, the Bee Gees, and Stevie Wonder will do that to you. Finally, perhaps most profoundly, my grandmother was my best friend while growing up. Being around her and enjoying countless discussions about her favorite musicians (Dean Martin, Elvis Presley, Bobby Darin) only emphasized my love for all things old school. I have always felt more comfortable with things that are older than I am: music, movies, people, etc. My old school nature primed me to fall in love with Prince.
I’ve always been funky. Given a unique name at birth, I embraced my quirks from a young age. I went through an extended phase in 1996 in which I insisted on wearing leotards 90% of the time. In high school, lost in the “ponytail wearers association of America,” I decided to chop my hair into a pixie cut. Ever since then, I have had every hair color under the sun, from blonde to black, purple to my now cherry tomato red. My wardrobe is just as colorful and sparkly. While others have trouble finding a particular color to wear, I tend to struggle when asked to wear black to an event. My voice, impossibly loud and cartoon esque, helps me stand out in a crowd. I’m a consistent floater in social situations. I have never quite fit into cliques, during school or in my work life, and that’s how I like it. After minoring in gender studies in college, I have grown to loathe societal norms. I have always enjoyed being different and I am drawn to people who share the same mentality. My preference for all things funky primed me to fall in love with Prince.
A baby boomer hiding in a millennial body, my entire life set me up for my Prince Renaissance. But for 25 years, I was only a casual fan. I knew and loved the big hits. KYXY played “Kiss” and “Purple Rain” frequently, and they were my music teacher for all intents and purposes. I strongly recall my first real encounter with Prince in 1995. I heard Little Red Corvette on the radio and I hollered to my mother from the backseat “what does pocket full of Trojans mean?” He would be in my pop culture conscience from that point on, but I had to develop a certain amount of life experience before I realized just how much I needed him.
In March 2016, a significant 3 year relationship ended for me. It was a transformative relationship that taught me many important lessons on how I need to live my life. It ended amicably with him and I still on good terms, but when the dust settled, I felt very lost. I was trying to move forward and I felt myself getting pulled back into the dating scene prematurely. When other relationships have ended, my method of coping has always been to jump back into something else before I have time to fully absorb the loss. My own absentee father probably has something to do with that. Throughout my adolescence, he left a constant male gap in my life, which was very distressing. As an adult, whenever I feel that absence manifest itself in a new way, I try to fill it in as quickly as possible. But with this recent relationship, my familiar method just didn’t feel right. We had experienced SO much together, I needed to actually absorb everything emotionally. It was going to HURT. But I forced myself to work through it. Little did I know that I would be getting a wonderful assistant in the process within the next month.
April 21st arrived. I worked at E! entertainment at the time. We were in our weekly meeting and my manager looked down at his phone and shouted “Holy shit, Prince died.” The entire room was shook up. The rest of the day was complete madness. When the initial news hit, there was a lot of misinformation being put out. We weren’t sure exactly what the truth was. But a few hours after the TMZ bulletin first came up, we knew the true magnitude of what was going on. I am a pop culture freak. I have absorbed the deaths of other icons that I have loved and admired. Michael Jackson was my JFK; I remember exactly where I was when I got the news of his death. But I haven’t ever seen a celebrity death impact the public like Prince, possibly because there has been so much mystery and shock around it. I spent that first day completely absorbed in the news coverage. I watched video after video of this mesmerizing man, and for the first magical time, I started to dive into the full depth of his recording catalogue. From the moment I started my journey to “Princeologist” on April 21st, I felt tremendous comfort in getting to know Prince Rogers Nelson; the man, the myth, the icon.
As I dug further and further into the music, videos, articles, etc. and grew to love Prince more and more, I felt guilt. I still do. I feel guilty that it took his death for me to truly appreciate how much of a genius this man was. But, I try to quit that kind of negative behavior because he’s not the first magnetic artist to have that kind of after shock on people and he won’t be the last. In the 12 months since April, my life has been transformed in an incredible way. The “Purple Family” is the best musical community in existence, though I am a little biased. Prince himself didn’t like to use the word “fan.” He liked to call us “family,” which is an awesome sentiment. In joining different Prince groups, I have felt my social circle expand ten fold. There is so much love and positivity shared within Prince’s circle. It truly feels like this community was tailor made for me. But we wouldn’t exist as a community without the man himself. From the afterworld he famously spoke of, he has become somewhat of a teacher for me over the last year. I would like to share the important lessons that I have learned from the Beautiful One.
- Control
It is well documented how much Prince needed to control the different elements of his life. Whether it was his music, his women, or other things, Prince was happiest when he was in control and he didn’t like to be dominated by other people. He started his career with this principle at the forefront, insisting that his first record deal allow him to produce his own music. Decades later, he famously inscribed “SLAVE” on his face in a public battle with Warner Bros, when they wouldn’t give him ownership of his music. In the digital age, Prince took control to the Internet, fighting to have YouTube scrubbed of unofficial concert videos and other material. In many people’s eyes, Prince took control to the extreme. That being said, his penchant for control had a very positive impact on me, being someone who has let others dominate the course of my life for far too long.
As I read more about Prince and his taste for control, I learned the positive side of his behavior. When you have control over your life, you are less negatively impacted by the behavior of others. When I got out of my last relationship, I had a tough realization that for a long time, I had lost myself in trying to fulfill the needs of other people. This applies to the men I have dated and my friendships, and it has left me often feeling quite empty. Prince’s love of control helped me learn how important it is to have standards within your life. When you set standards for your relationships, your life becomes a lot more fulfilling. You also stop yourself from getting into situations that you know won’t make you happy. With his first record deal, Prince knew he would only be happy if he could produce his own music, so he set that standard and didn’t budge. I respect that SO much. I have applied that same practice of setting standards for happiness in my own relationships now and I have been so much better off.
Another powerful side of Prince’s love for control is that he knew when to walk away from things that were no longer serving him well. Whether it was bandmates, relationships, or other partnerships, he didn’t apologize for putting himself first, which is a really powerful thing. I have been a people pleaser my entire life. Though I greatly enjoy making other people happy, I have often done so at the expense of my own happiness, which is NOT okay. Prince loved to make other people happy, through his artistic output, philanthropic activity, and other pursuits. But he would never do things for others at the expense of his own happiness, which I have tremendous respect for. From Prince Rogers Nelson, I learned that it is not selfish to put yourself first. It is smart.
2. Lovesexy
Prince’s 1988 album “Lovesexy” was a unique offering during his pop culture dominance of the 1980s. After the tremendous success of “Purple Rain”, he insisted on going in a totally different direction, with his psychedelic Beatles esque follow up “Around the World in a Day.” Next came “Parade,” the album that accompanied his 1986 movie “Under the Cherry Moon,” which unfortunately failed to connect with critics or audiences at the time. (Now it’s a bit of a cult classic). Following that, he released the monumental “Sign 0' the Times” (my favorite album), which landed him commercial and critical success. His next album “The Black Album” was scrapped last minute, and he put out “Lovesexy” in its place. I love this album because it encompasses two of my favorite themes that he often covered in his music: sexuality and spirituality.
Even if you don’t know who Prince is, you probably know that he was sexy. He just had that effect on people. He still does! One of my favorite things about Prince was that he really owned his sexuality. Early on in his career, Prince would take that mentality to the extreme in his live shows, wearing underwear on stage and making out with his keyboardist, among other sensual acts. As he later stated in an interview, he was “looking for the ledge,” and once he went there, he felt that he could move onto other things. He found joy in busting boundaries, which I admire greatly. In a society that is constantly telling you how to look and behave, to be your true self is an act of rebellion. He has an iconic line in his song “Controversy,” where he states “Am I black or white? Am I straight or gay?” He wasn’t afraid to wear feminine clothing and makeup, because he didn’t give a fuck what other people thought; he was doing it for himself.
With his unique presentation, Prince pushed people outside of their comfort zones and made us all think about our own sexuality. He certainly had that effect on me. Prior to my Prince Renaissance, I never thought of myself as sexy. Cute yeah, but sexy, no. But as myself and many other women can attest to, listening to Prince music makes you feel comfortable with yourself on a whole other level. Though he was mesmerizingly beautiful, Prince didn’t fit stereotypical standards of male good looks. At 5 foot 2, he didn’t fit the societal norm for men. But he bucked expectations and decided to build his public image on being sexy anyways, which I respect tremendously. That mentality should encourage us all to embrace our quirks and stop letting society dictate how we should look and feel about ourselves. The key to being sexy lies in confidence and how you carry yourself. Prince’s body positive message has impacted my life greatly, and I know I’m not the only one! The results of his message can be seen whenever a Prince song comes on at the club, with all sizes, colors, etc. proudly “shaking that ass” on the dance floor. We can all be Sexy M.F.s in our own way.
If you solely define Prince by sex, you are missing the full scope of his greatness. Though he certainly enjoyed sex and sang about it often, he also championed spirituality throughout his music. Prince loved to fuse the concepts of sex and spirituality within his lyrics. Prince insisted that sex and spirituality could exist in the same realm. More than that, he would take it one step further and imply in his lyrics that spirituality can lead to better sex. His ability to push the envelope and give zero apologies never ceases to amaze me. Prince was relentless in his pursuit of self expression and self fulfillment, regardless of what barriers society would try to impose on him. Later on in his life, when he became a Jehovah’s Witness, he altered his pursuit to spiritual fulfillment, and began to shun some of the naughtier themes of his earlier work. But, I’m okay with that. Life is an evolution, and Prince championed that fact by often stating in public that he rarely looked back on his career, only forward.
3. Evolution
Prince made such a tremendous impact on pop culture because he wasn’t afraid to evolve. More than that, he insisted on evolving. Many artists find the thing that works and push out the same sound in the name of commercial success throughout their entire careers. But Prince balked at that idea from his first big success of “Purple Rain”. For this reason, whenever I hear people describe Prince as “Purple Rain guy,” I immediately direct them towards his other music and explain why he was so much more than that. Society will always try to fit us into a simple box. It is important to break down that pretty packaging and express the full scope of who we are, regardless of what expectations other people have. Another one of my favorite artists, David Bowie, excelled at doing this. May he Rest in Power as well.
Talking with other Prince enthusiasts over the last year, we often discuss what genre of music Prince fits into. When you think about it, he pretty much is his own genre. Depending on what era of his music you are focusing on, he has covered it all; rock, pop, r&b, soul, jazz, etc. Prince had some help in accomplishing this, being able to play most every instrument besides horns in his music. Nonetheless, few other artists have been able to conquer so many different sounds in such an expert manner. Going back to the theme of control, I believe Prince was able to evolve in such an impactful way because he didn’t let the opinions of others derail him from his creative development. That is a powerful concept that we can all apply to our own lives.
Taking in the genius of Prince over the last year has made me realize how important it is to evolve as a person over the course of your life and embrace your passions. He was never afraid to go in a different direction when the wind blew him there, which I have tremendous respect for. More than that, he wasn’t afraid to fail. Prince wasn’t perfect. Though he released 39 studio albums (crazy!) over the course of his career, they aren’t all packed with hits. He believed in experimentation and found value in learning what works and what doesn’t work. If you never go to “the ledge,” you are left to wonder “what if?” Prince wasn’t about that, and after becoming a “Princeologist”, I don’t want to be like that either. Diving into Prince’s catalogue of music over the last year has reinvigorated my own creative interests, leading me to take on some new projects that I’m really excited about. If they succeed, great! If they don’t, I will learn and move on. But, I will feel better expressing myself regardless.
4. Emotion
The press loved to paint Prince in different lights, depending on the day. Enigmatic genius. Crazy egomaniac. Walled off recluse. Quiet and shy. We’ll never really know what is true. We can only trust what we have heard from the people who knew him best. I respect the fact that Prince was reserved with his emotions. He shared as much as he wanted to share, and he gave no apologies when he turned off. He enjoyed time by himself and as mentioned previously, he didn’t need to please others to be happy. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I’m pretty much opposite of Prince in this way. But for that reason, I can find value in the way that he chose to conduct his life.
I have been too open with my emotions at times. I need to learn to be more reserved with my emotions and share emotional intimacy with people who truly deserve it. If you listen to his music, Prince emoted best through song! It’s devastatingly beautiful. We all have to protect ourselves in some way. I think Prince’s way of protecting his emotions was to wall off in public when necessary and redirect to music. Listening to his catalogue over the last year, I have better learned how we all express emotion in different ways. We must find compassion and understanding when dealing with difficult emotional situations in relationships. It’s important to pay attention to the signs and adapt your approach, depending on who you are dealing with. We all emote in different ways and that’s okay.
5. Love4oneanother
This last topic isn’t so much a lesson but rather an endorsement for something I already believe in. I pride myself on my ability to brighten the lives of others. I have built my public reputation around my love for giving back. Prince was known for many different things throughout his career: singing, dancing, being the musical embodiment of sex, etc. But something many people don’t realize is how much he prioritized philanthropy. He practiced this in a variety of ways. Sometimes, he was public about it. He loved to pluck up and coming acts to open for him on tour, providing invaluable exposure for their careers. He extended this grace towards his own bandmates too.
One of my favorite things about Prince is how he championed women. The Revolution, Prince’s band during the “Purple Rain” era, featured two incredibly talented women, Wendy Melvoin and Lisa Coleman. Following their prosperous era with Prince, Wendy and Lisa went on to have successful careers in writing music for television. During the “Sign O’ The Times” era, Prince was proud to showcase Sheila E as his drummer, a role that is often filled by men in the music industry. Even after she officially left his band, Prince proudly featured Sheila E in high profile stage performances throughout his career. Apart from these examples, he had many other famous protégés that he helped catapult to fame, including Vanity, Carmen Electra, and his first wife, Mayte Garcia. Since his passing, many people within Prince’s inner circle have promoted the fact that he loved to give back to aspiring musicians and provide a public platform to success.
More than that, Prince was also a tremendous teacher, pushing his bandmates to reach a new level of perfection that could match his incomparable work ethic. He was a true force of nature, constantly reaching new heights and lifting others to levels that they didn’t think were possible. Some of his former bandmates have stated that Prince would sometimes push too hard and get overbearing. Looking at the most iconic entertainers of all time, that state of excessive force is often where greatness comes from. James Brown, Michael Jackson, and Prince all shared this go hard or go home mentality when approaching their craft. If we stay in our comfort zones, we will never reach our true potential. Prince realized that from the very beginning and encouraged others to go harder, faster, stronger. All of the best mentors I have had in my life have treated me in a similar way. Even if I didn’t always appreciate their perspective at the time, I certainly reaped the rewards later. We should all aspire to lift others up like Prince.
After his untimely passing, we would learn the true depth of Prince’s philanthropic power. Once he achieved a certain level of success, Prince put immediate effort into giving back. During the Purple Rain era, he put on a charity show at a school for deaf children. After he became a superstar, Prince created his own charity, which he called Love4oneanother. In addition to that, he gave to Black Lives Matter, YesWeCode, and children’s school programs, among many other causes that touched his heart. As his close friend Van Jones stated after his passing, Prince’s “cause was humanity.” But unlike many other celebrities in the social media age, he didn’t give for publicity. He didn’t want other people to know about what he was doing, because he knew that wasn’t the point. I have tremendous respect for the discreet way he chose to handle his charity work. He knew the public effect that came with “being Prince”, so he insisted that the focus be on the charity and not on him. I aspire to live my life in a similar way, giving without need for recognition or reward. We live in a scary world. Love4oneanother is more important now than ever before.
The biggest lesson that I have learned from Prince Rogers Nelson in the last year is the power of being yourself with no apologies. Whether dealing with lovers, friends, colleagues, or family members, you are in charge of your life. Never let your happiness get lost in the mix. It is so easy to get wrapped up in what other people think and get bogged down by outside expectations. The true victory lies in blocking out the noise and pursuing your bliss regardless. Embrace your passions, love yourself, and champion yourself, because time on earth is limited. Prince thought about the afterlife and death often. As he famously sang, “life’s just a party and parties weren’t mean to last.” We were lucky to get him as long as we did. He was my boyfriend over the last year and I wouldn’t have it any other way. God speed, Prettyman.
