Queen of distraction
My fall back in times of necessary written work, or even in times of desirous work, was absolutely fail safe.
I would look for some thing I knew was lost which would be incredibly hard to find. So this item or thing would have been subconsciously missing for a considerable length of time. With very little concern or wish on my behalf to find said item.
But all of a sudden this lost specimen would be the complete and absolute bane of my very existence.
So it could be something serious like my passport even though I was currently not travelling. Just an awareness it’s lost in space in my house. Or it could be a a piece of jewelry that has deep sentimental significance that I cannot live without.
And there is no way on earth I can sit down to work till I find it. The subconscious fact that connects all these missing bits and bobs over the course of time, is that I know with certainty that said item will be incredibly hard to find. It will take ages and by the time I find it I will be exhausted and have whittled away all my time, leaving none left to work.
And I will have a sense of achievement and reward at the end. Which makes up for a lack of work satisfaction, it’s a double whammy source of distraction. It takes loads of time and energy and has reward.
This was my original method. Now that I have allowed myself to become fully aware of this tool and acknowledged it, I have perhaps progressed or at least changed tactics.
Now I sit before my potential and convince myself that to write on any given subject I must seek out the other. Who wrote about this before, who wrote about it previously. Who do I really admire who may have previously discussed this?
Then I read the other’s opinion, some how seeking their approval. To see if we think similar or the same. Regardless of the outcome of what this great sage has to say on the matter, it will somehow work it’s way into being an excuse for me not to investigate or add to the debate.
You know they said and think the same as me, it’s covered, they were more eloquent. Or actually they put a different spin on it. Perhaps now I to changed my mind and I agree with what they say. In which case I have lost the bones of my creative vim. It’s gone into the ether like all the others, once beautiful and with purpose now just a blip, insignificant, hollow, inert.
There are occasion’s that my very idea/argument discussion was actually an original by that I mean it’s not already on line. Which I know does not define it as original but well you know. Amazingly This sign of authenticity does not make me want to go out there and start the thread, I shy away and wonder if perhaps I am somehow wrong…
It’s a kin to being at school and looking for reassurance in all the wrong places, just waiting to be crushed even before one starts.
With awareness This method is utter bullshit. Distraction is another way of hiding and not having confidence, which is in fact boring, safe, fearful and not fucking interesting..
So amen and no more.