10 things you probably also do if you signed the Clarkson petition.

If you are one of the one million sad old fuckers who signed a petition to get Jeremy Clarkson his job at the BBC back here is a helpful list of other things you probably do:

1) Complain incessantly to your poor, long suffering wife about the left-wing bias at the BBC. What you don’t know is she secretly thinks the BBC do a really good job, but keeps that opinion to herself. It’s not worth having to listen to you bore on about why she’s wrong for three hours, which is what’ll happen if she dares to disagree.

2) Complain to the BBC about the BBC’s left-wing bias. You probably do it so much the BBC Complaints line is the number one number on your BT ‘friends and family’ list. Above your children. And your mother, who’s in a home.

3) Rage to anyone and everyone about how terrible the NHS is. Despite the fact you’ve had two successful knee operations on the NHS in the last five years because you’re really too overweight to be playing squash every Wednesday with your mate Brian.

4) Hate immigrants. I mean, the food is alright. You treat yourself to a takeaway curry every Friday night and all that but other than that, they can sod right off. That’s not racist, it’s not a race thing. This country is just full. And something about preserving our culture too. Which is definitely not racist.

5) Vote UKIP. You probably fan-boy Farage because he ‘says it like it is’ and given you’re a middle manager at an insurance firm in Luton you can’t say it like it is or your boss will tell you to shut up. You probably also have a bit of a thing for Christine Hamilton too.

6) Shout ‘POWER’ when you speed up on a clear bit of the A42 on your evening commute home from work. Alright, so your Skoda Octavia isn’t quite the Lambo that Hammond was driving round Le Mans on last night’s Top Gear but it actually has a bit of poke. What people don’t realise is Skodas are actually made by VW these days so you’re just getting a VW loads cheaper if you buy a Skoda you know. That’s what Captain Slow says anyway. You got it on his recommendation from series eight.

7) Have a twitter account which you don’t really tweet from. You just use it to follow Kim Kardashian and other top totty because you don’t realise other people can see your Following list.

8) Fail to understand what the EU really is or does. But definitely know it’s bad and evil and we’d a be a lot better off without it. Because did I mention you get all our opinions from the Daily Mail?

9) Think you could probably actually do a better job than Arsene Wenger at Arsenal.

10) Really, really, really REALLY wish you were Jeremy Clarkson and not just a frustrated, emasculated, middle-aged bloke from Luton.


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