Our muffin tops happen to be a delicious snack

Photo by Anastasia Zhenina on Unsplash

After sifting through hundreds of comments on articles about body weight and body image I feel an insane need to recount a few beliefs I’ve read that blow me away.

I’m awestruck by the number of people who think a size 12 or 14 is considered fat or obese. Even more mystified by how many of those people are outrageously verbal about it.

I read one comment from a woman in the 12–14 club uttering the words, “Us fatties…”

As far as I’m concerned, I am not a fatty, thank you very much. Those who think we are fatties at…

PSILY Summer Fling

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Several years ago, I straddled a big hog all summer long. Interpret that however you want to and you’ll still get it right because there’s more than one way to mount a beast.

That summer I met a guy through some mutual friends. I had shown up to help my friends move into their new house and out front there was a kick-ass, sleek looking motorbike parked in the driveway.

I remember thinking to myself, “Damn, who owns that beast?”

I was never a motorbike kind of woman but this one looked like some sort of hero’s bike, straight from…

And he’s long overdue around these parts

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Last week, I was feverishly cleaning my way around the house as if I were Cinderella and my next meal depended on it. Lord knows, I need my dinner.

I’m normally a surface cleaner but that day I scoured away all traces that I even exist. The FBI would have a hard time tracing my fingerprints at this point. Louise who?

Midway through my frenzy I was interrupted by a text message from an employee asking if she was on an upcoming meeting schedule.

What I wanted to reply was, “Excuse me but it’s 11:30 a.m. on a Saturday. The…

I’m not even pube-shaming here, I genuinely want to know

Photo by Krzysztof Niewolny on Unsplash

Over the last few weeks I did something I haven’t done since I was eleven years old. I let my pubes grow out.

It wasn’t some declaration of womanhood, nor was it intentional. I just got lazy and allowed myself to revert back to cave-bitch for a while, neglecting that one extra time-sucker in the shower.

Jeez, it’s time consuming being a woman.

Today I bit the bullet and pulled out the old razor because I couldn’t even find my vagina anymore. Enough was enough, I was grossed out.

Having allowed the fur ball so much time to flourish, shaving…

For the sake of our inboxes and our sanity

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Aside from the two vainest, most lackluster twin sisters on earth (Darcey and Stacey) who would probably explode at the slightest prick of a pin, the most infamous couple to come from the epic 90 Day Fiance saga has got to be Michael and Angela.

The Botox twins, along with Michael and Angela have saturated my screen time for far too many seasons now. TV nights are supposed to be relaxing, not eye-roll inducing.

To start this off, I have to admit that I have grown to like Michael, the Nigerian who has basically sacrificed his left nut and become…

Let’s talk about noticeable distinctions when dipping the wick

Photo by Serge Kutuzov on Unsplash

Decades ago I went through the otherworldly (insert alien-like) experience of giving birth. It was a scene right out of an ER horror flick, complete with doctors yelling, panicking, and running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

When I say they messed up my episiotomy I mean they really messed it up. I won’t go into gory detail but suffice it to say that a woman should never have to endure that type of trauma. Ever.

Ever since the day a seven-pound head exited my body in the most unnatural way, I’ve been self conscious about my penis…

For starters, you’d get some self-esteem

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In my time here on Medium not once have I bought into the “writing about Medium” scandal. Maybe scandal is too harsh a word, but is it really?

The practice of throwing around advice has never interested me because it’s a sneaky way to make money. I’d rather talk about sex and bodyweight to earn my keep around here.

However, today I tripped over an article written by Roz Warren that motivated me to join the ranks of self-proclaimed Medium faculty members who are proficient enough to give advice.

Here’s what Roz wrote:

At the end of her article she…

Keep these tips in mind and you will sexually prosper

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

Anyone who has engaged in quality oral sex is aware of the obvious perks. If done properly if offers gratification, fulfillment, and orgasms with the intensity of Niagara Falls.

If I’m being completely honest I have no recollection of my first oral sex experience. I have no idea when I received it the first time nor who introduced me to it.

This is shameful. The fact that I can’t remember means my first oral sex experience was absolutely forgettable. No sex should be forgettable.

I do, however, remember who made oral sex an earth shattering requirement for all future relationships…

Who are they working for, anyway?

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Nothing is more frustrating for a Medium writer than submitting your story to a publication with eleventy-billion followers and seeing a grand total of five reads after two days.

Exactly who are these publications in business for anyway? Oh right, Patreon supporters. The more people they can get to support their Patreon dreams the better for them.

Do they want people’s Patreon money so they can write more mediocre content themselves and still earn money on the side?

I don’t support anyone’s Patreon so I wouldn’t know if there’s a membership bonus or not, but if I don’t see a…

Our questionable behavior in all it’s faulty wonder

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

I believe most humans are fundamentally good but we are also fallible because we’re human. We’re good people who make bad choices so it shouldn’t be shocking when we exercise poor judgment and behave stupidly.

In every situation that presents itself we have choices to make and it can’t always be the right choice or life would be boring and predictable.

Think of how many times you’ve made a really bad decision. Probably more times than you can count, I’m guessing.

You’ve gone out for drinks after work with your colleagues and made the choice to get behind the wheel…

Louise Sawyer 2.0

Freedom writer of unpopular opinions. “Thelma was just along for the ride.”

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