Where did I go?
To all those I once knew,
A moment of honesty breaches my calmed brow. A sidestep from my usual dance with cosmic reality for a focused poetic interaction between earthly souls. I want to discuss you and I, if either exists.
I am not who I was. Maybe you are not who you were either. Maybe none of us remain the same for long.
We drift within an effecting stream of other confused souls. Clinging to identity, decorated by convention and fear of exclusion. Some reject, others conform. We adapt and change. Some constantly in flow, others held in singular shape either by self or surrounding currents of same.
Each life to their own. What control do we have either way? A collective story that began long before my mind spied its strings of destiny.
My journey has gifted a multitude of faces, places, and states of being. I have subsequently been rolled over and repainted inside. My openness to the world, a mixed blessing of exchanged secrets, optimistic eyes, and gifting energy and self beyond realistic supply.
I, like you, and all those that have risen and fallen through this plane of existence, subjected to a unique causal flow of energy and observation. We are part of an ever-changing, interconnected system, in constant motion. An exotic storm of cosmic consequence and amusing irrelevance.
I awoke into this tempest of sentience like you, unaware of what came before or what any of this is. No invitation or self-driven arrival, just a sensation of being as if from nothing. Since then the swirl of people, places, ideas, bodily urges, and stream of consciousness has created an experience of me. I feel like I exert my will on this place, on myself, on the direction of the meander, though I accept the deep fallacy of this delusion. I am. It is. I enjoy my view from the cresting wave of the universe’s temporal pull. Beyond that, I am grateful for what I get.
Life has been generous and interesting. Challenges, conversations, and time for reflection have gifted shifts in perspective. I carry all the tales with me, for it is all me. Yet, I have shed many layers of self, rejected by my core.
The version of me you got to know no longer exists. Maybe it never really did. Whatever image you hold in your mind of others, accept that they will never resemble the truth for them. We are all so many to so many, and someone else to ourselves. Feel humbled by acceptance of your ignorance.
Perhaps I have actively pursued change more than you. That has been my nudge and joyful flow. I have sought deeper truths. I have challenged my cultural programming. I have stripped and been stripped. I have stared ominously into the abyss of existence and contemplated the emptiness of what looked back. I have resewn my cloaks of self from the threads of foundational truths I could see through the mist.
I have wandered far from you. I have ventured to the outer edges of possibility within this maze of human play. I have seen through the irrelevance of society’s game. I understand the primitive nature of our desires and advertised pursuits. I accept the fantasy of knowledge and purpose. I have reached the nihilistic bottom and pushed up into an ocean of morality designed by the eyes of my own emotive soul. I surrender to the truth of our singularity and untruth of all.
I have absconded. I have departed the pantomime we once pranced within. I no longer care to wear those costumes or follow those tunes of restraint. I no longer belong on that stage, in those robes. If you enjoy it, it is for you. It is not for me.
I have failed to communicate much of my change. I have enjoyed the sound of silence more than you would know. Beyond the dance of collective delusion, I am free. He who once was is no more. I die each day and am reborn the next. Perhaps we share this truth.
Enough echoes of him lie available for confused viewing. He is still held in the minds of many. Perhaps your mind still sees me that way. I trust you not to paint me with that old stained brush.
It is difficult to unsee someone and see them as they truly stand before you. A trick of quietening our noisy and lazy minds. Next time we will try, in both directions. I also fail this game of assumptions.
I have stumbled deceptively through our interactions for some time. This conversation rarely happens. It takes a certain space and effort on my part; not always available. Perhaps fear and memories of confused response provoke hesitation in my honest reflections. I have accepted the falsehood of our connection, awaiting a moment to give a greater truth or allow our inevitable collapse.
Will you understand much of what I have said? Our words, evolved gifts from past culture’s desire to spread sense. Each phrase coded to be understood by similarly trained minds. Are we close enough to let these symbols communicate such abstractions from my neural maze? Without poetic eyes, responsive rhythm, or storied tone, how well will such an offering ever land? Will language of any kind ever be enough to bridge the distance between our inner worlds?
Maybe years from now you begin to comprehend, or perhaps this has arrived as intended, with a calm shimmer in your enlightened mind. If nothing makes sense… such is life.
I love you. Whatever those words mean to you. I love me too. I am available for love and friendship, though am less in need of either than my earlier me. I suspend judgement of all, ever, and hope for something similar in the return. I accept you exactly as you are or wish to be.
Our difference is as profound now as it ever was. In our past maybe we wore a similar disguise, hiding behind insecurity and retold lies. Our friendship requires greater honesty to survive. I require this clarity to thrive.
I ask you not to worry for me, for that is only a sensation within you for yourself. If I ask for advice I would be honoured to receive. If no asking is done, no reflections on me are required. You owe me nothing. Our pasts are enjoyed, not obligations to our futures’ glide.
I am well. A work in progress. Burning brightly, struggling like all, still changing, openly learning and dissecting whatever I find through my unique lens of perception.
I don’t know what comes next, like you. Another day, another opportunity for joy and despair, and many new cloaks to wear. My only pursuit is truth. With myself, and eventually with beyond.
Maybe this will begin a series of great conversations or enhance the silence between us. I welcome both. We are embracing honesty either way. Life is too short for anything else.
Go well in this world. Be you. I’ll be me, of now, whoever that might be.
© Louis Oliphant 2020.
Thank you for dropping by. To continue down this peculiar poetic rabbit hole…
