I’m in a toxic relationship with coffee; when I think we’re done, somehow it’s back in my life.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

“Coffee, oh Coffee, wherefore art thou, my beloved brew!” Just as Juliet lamented her star-crossed love for Romeo, the scion of her family’s sworn adversaries, so too do I find myself ensnared in a similar situation. Yet, my great love lies not in the arms of a Montague, but in the embrace of a psychoactive stimulant that beckons me with its aromatic allure and tantalising taste. Like a siren’s call, it awakens my senses, igniting a fiery desire that cannot be quelled no matter how many days pass without indulging.

As Juliet and Romeo indelibly surrendered to their deep passions and forbidden love, I on the other-hand am trying to break-free of my strong held bonding with coffee. However, just like Juliet couldn’t image a life without her Romeo leading her to tragically plunged the dagger into her chest in a desperate bid for reunion in the spirit realm, I fight a similar struggle against my own cravings that I plan to escape, sans the dagger / chest calamity.

Each day, I strive to resist the seductive allure of coffee, knowing full well the inevitable ill effects it poses to my well-being. Much like Juliet’s tragic inability to envision a future without her Romeo, I also find myself grappling with the daunting prospect of severing ties with my beloved stimulant.

I have left coffee multiple times. Yet, it continues to whisper to me, promising alertness and gumption, tempting me to surrender to its embrace once more. Sometimes, its call comes in the early hours of the morning as I tie my laces for the gym, or during a cozy morning news session. Despite the many days that pass cold turkey, it remains a close temptation.

Despite its sweet promises of delicious, creamy African, Colombian, or Italian warmth and flavor, I remain resolute in crafting a new narrative for myself. One where I refuse to succumb to Juliet’s tragic fate, sealed by her lack of willpower. Instead, I seize command over my destiny, determined to triumph over digestive discomfort, bloating, and persistent lethargy. Again, sans the dagger / chest calamity. While I may falter at times, justifying one more cup of coffee as harmless, I hold onto hope that I can overcome this negging.

So here is my Juliet balcony confession (imagine it in the style of Usher). As I sit here writing, it’s been a few hours since I indulged in my last dose of caffeine, and an hour since the shakes subsided. This morning I regressed and found myself sipping on a creamy oat laté at my local café. It’s as if a foreign agent commanded control over my cognitive function and manoeuvred me, à la Remy controlling Linguini’s bodily function in Ratatouille.

Alas, it gets worse. Upon returning home to my eclectic workspace, yet again à la Rémy et Linguini, I fell into old routines and sauntered over to my coffee nook of the kitchen and scrolled through my phone as I set a pod and pressed. Voila! Espresso!

Nestled within my artistic hub of scholarly articles, personal artefacts, books overflowing the shelves built up around me and a big old wooden desk once owned by my uncle, I sipped away. Coffee; wood; news; culture. It’s a cacophony of cultural divinity. Every aspect of my morning coffee routine feels like a luxurious indulgence kissed by the Gods. From the gleam of my gold-plated demitasse, cocooning the exotic decoction bean, to the ritual of settling in at my desk, firing up the monitors, and savouring the liquid opulence of Nespresso as I immerse myself in the latest world news, current affairs, arts and culture.

As difficult as it is proving to be, I have quit coffee several times. The last being Boxing Day 2023 I went cold turkey, and the withdrawal was no easy feat. I endured pounding headaches as my body screamed for its habitual morning dose of caffeine. It wasn’t just the coffee itself but the entire ritualistic routine surrounding it. Whether it was enjoying a vigorous stroll with friends and our reward coffee before diving into work, or using coffee as a pre-gym boost, or a post-workout pick-me-up, coffee had become intertwined with numerous aspects of my social and productivity habits. I write, I sip coffee. I read, I sip coffee. I leave the house, I stop in and say hello to Maria and get coffee. I chat, I sip coffee. I run, I sip coffee. Ritual. Coffee has seeped its tentacles in all corners of daily behaviours, with a conditioning that made reaching for it second nature when it comes to company, exercise and work.

The addiction centre tells me:

“Caffeine closely resembles a molecule called adenosine that’s naturally present in the brain. Caffeine resembles the molecule so much that it can fit neatly into the brain cells’ receptors for adenosine, effectively blocking them off.” When these receptors block off adenosine caused by the consumption of caffeine, it causes a surge of dopamine within the brain, and cues the adrenal glands to secrete adrenaline. All contributors the senses of being alert and dulling tiredness.

“In people who drink caffeine regularly, the brain’s chemistry and physical characteristics actually change over time. The brain cells will begin to grow more adenosine receptors in an attempt to maintain equilibrium. This is how tolerance to Caffeine develops; because the brain has more adenosine receptors, it takes more Caffeine to block a significant proportion of them and achieve the same desired effect.” This blocks the rest and sleep receptors.

“Caffeine is addictive because of the way that the drug affects the human brain and produces the alert feeling that people crave. Soon after Caffeine is consumed, it’s absorbed through the small intestine and dissolved into the bloodstream.” Caffeine causes a surge of dopamine within the brain which is essentially creating a quick fix mentality associated with reaching for a coffee for the caffeine hit.

Coffee is a ritualistic. We all have our own rituals, cultivated over years, blending coffee seamlessly into our lives. And now, seemingly, we can’t imagine these rituals without it. What’s the point if we can’t have a coffee while we do it? The discussions, the socialisation, the catch-ups, the self-reflection moments of mindfulness, the long drives, the short drives, the get-to-know-yous, the it’s-been-nice-knowing-yous. Coffee is a consistent– a thoroughbred that has stood throughout the annals of history, from ancient civilisations to modern societies, the ritual of coffee, the dissemination of news, and the act of sitting to listen, share and learn have stood as enduring constants of time.

In many ways, news and coffee have become intrinsic parts of my identity, intertwined with my very personality. A lover of self, as much as a lover external to me. It’s a joy I savour and long for. It’s the Romeo to Juliet for all creatives. Some would say, true parts of any writer, creative or thinker whom socratics to satiate their curiosities of life do so with a coffee idle by, keeping us company throughout our ponderings. Without coffee can the inquiring mind even be percolated to fuse antiquity to the zeitgeist? Do we even want to? Like Juliet looked to a future without Romeo and realised it was no option for her, can I look to a future without coffee? Do I even want to…?

My decision to quit coffee, again, after Christmas 2023, was a resolute one. I began to notice positive changes — my stomach felt flatter, my digestion improved, and I regained a better sense of appetite regulation on days when I skipped my coffee fix. Despite enduring a week of headaches during withdrawal, mass energy slumps throughout the day and heavy fatigue, I remained steadfast in my commitment. It encouraged me to eliminate other products and for a solid 10 days I was fasting nightly and eliminated dairy, sugar, processed foods and alcohol.

Coffee causes me to bloat, substantially. The congratulations kinda bloat. Luckily, no one has dared said anything yet! Call it ageing, call it wearing too tight clothing(jeans, bodysuits, gym pants). Call it fasting for years and only having coffee in the morning and running off that till we had a moment to scoff lunch way in the afternoon (shout-out to all teachers, mums and healthcare professionals who know what I mean, and also most millennial women who have been doing this long before Gwyneth Paltrow got nailed to the wall for it). We’ve known coffee is a stimulant and a diuretic that filled us up and emptied us out so it was a cheat-sheet we copy and pasted for most of our 20s and 30s.

But since the evolution of my wellness philosophies, therapy for my badly formed eating habits, and years of exercise that were driven by starvation and restriction, I am slowly dismantling the deeply embedded habits formed against results at any (mostly unhealthy) costs.

Despite deeply ingrained habits, unlike Juliet, I had the opportunity to grow up and learn that the things we love the most aren’t always good for us, regardless of how wonderful our experiences with them may be. Reflecting on days gone by, when acid reflux was something our elder relatives dealt with, sleep came easily, and a boozy weekend could be offset on a Monday morning by a few cups of the reliable stimulant. Yet, as time passed, I’ve come to understand that these indulgences may not serve my well-being in the long run.

A quick google search procured results to how and why I am physically suffering from the consumption of coffee.

1. ‘A 2001 study found that coffee causes the stomach to enlarge more than the same quantity of water’. Further, as most know coffee is a diuretic which promotes diuresis. This increases production of urine in the body leaving the body dehydrated and prone to slow digestion, sluggishness and constipation.
2. Plus, coffee is an acidic beverage that The IBS & Gut Health Clinic UK says can lead to bloating for people with sensitive gastrointestinal systems (GI) due to acid in the coffee irritating the lining of the stomach and small intestines stimulating the production of stomach acid. Ouch! Just FYI there are nine major acids in coffee. The primary acids in roasted coffee, are chlorogenic, quinic, citric, malic, acetic, formic, lactic, glycolic, and phosphoric acid, and occasionally tartaric acid is also found (Belitz et al., 2009; Engelhardt and Maier, 1985; Ginz et al., 2000).

These effects highlight the complex interplay between coffee consumption and bodily processes. While coffee may provide short-term benefits like increased alertness, its impact on acid levels, gastrointestinal function, and urinary output underscores the importance of moderation and awareness of individual sensitivities.

Alisa Vitti of Flo Living advocates for women to synchronize their lifestyles with their monthly cycles, a novel concept considering the male-dominated societal norms we often navigate. This underscores another crucial point: much of the scientific research surrounding coffee consumption has been conducted with a male-centric focus. Therefore, it’s imperative for women to approach the topic of coffee consumption through a lens that considers their unique physiological needs and responses.

Vitti speaks to the impact of caffeine on women’s health, itemising coffee disruptions on women’s hormones including insulin, cortisol and reproductive hormones, interfering with blood sugar, increasing women’s blood pressure and it lingers in women’s systems longer than our male counterparts. Making specific example to coffee usurping delicate hormonal wiring and robbing women of essential nutrients and minerals vital to our wellbeing. Coffee can be found at the root of many women’s causes.

In the sobering light of day, these accumulating pieces of evidence dispel the illusion of coffee as a whimsical romance, revealing instead a lingering bad habit. Much like Juliet’s tragic realisation of the consequences of her forbidden love with Romeo, I too confront the reality of my long-standing addiction to coffee. Formed over years of indulgence, coffee has manipulated my brain’s chemistry, disrupting insulin levels and GI sensitivities.

Knowing that coffee gives me the shakes from the adrenaline surge, not to mention the notorious three-thirty slump and sleep disruption at night, I am fascinated by how it continually creeps back into my life. I’ve abstained from coffee before and always floated in elated well-being after the detoxing phase dissipates. Proudly declaring to friends how I’ve quit coffee, only to find myself weeks later guilt-ridden, sipping coffee like a stowaway who stumbled upon a scrap of bread.

After enduring a tenuous ten-day detox of headaches, lethargy, and stomach cramps, why do I now find myself staring at my coffee-stained demitasse on my office desk? I had put in considerable effort to find a replacement beverage, scouring the streets of Melbourne for well-made matcha (Taiyo Sun on St. Georges Road, Fitzroy North, is excellent) and even learning the craft of making matcha myself. Yet, despite putting myself through another detox and mastering the art of preparing matcha (the key being a sweetened alternative milk), I realised coffee had stealthily crept back into my life, much like Romeo finds his way back to Juliet despite being banished from all Verona.

A USC study published in Psychological Science April 2022 has informed me I have overlooked the influence of my habits and the power they wield over my daily compulsions. Asaf Mazar is a doctoral candidate in behavioural psychology says,

“Habits can keep us repeating unwanted behaviours,” and “It’s not what we know, but what we do.” Essentially, becoming conscious of my inner state and how or even why I do things will profoundly impact my ability to maintain being caffeine free long term.

Habitual triggers significantly contribute as well. My work space, going to the gym, driving by my local café are examples of triggers that make me want to have a coffee, yet understanding this pattern gives me the power to break free from its grip.

Forming new habits takes consistency built up over time. I have absolutely formed those new behaviours, my issue is preventing relapsing. Apon wider reading I’ve absorbed many experiences of people’s coffee quitting process. Refreshingly, I have learned it’s no easy feat to master. One that can take up to a year to really dismantle the grips caffeine has on the entire system from the nervous system, hormone imbalances, mental agility and the adrenal system. My friend ask me what I’m going to do different this time and it was a great exercise for preparedness. I wrote out the below list, as a reminder why I want to quit coffee. Doing this has helped cement the reasons in my mind.

1. Caffeine, derived from psychoactive beans, is widely accepted despite its stimulant properties, which accelerate breathing, heart rate, and cognitive processes. I prefer the sense of calm, presence, control, and clarity of thought.
2. Coffee sabotages blood sugar as it spikes insulin. This leads to weight gain, water retention, bloating and face puffiness. It wreaks havoc on blood sugar levels which is a contributor to afternoon slumps of energy, or crashes.
3. Coffee before food (breakfast) surges blood sugar and insulin. For women, impacts progesterone which can lead to hormone imbalances like estrogen dominance. Without coffee I have extremely clean and clear skin.
4. The caffeine molecules adapts to receptors in our central nervous system. In this position it blocks the neuromodulator that links adenosine which is our sleep inducing receptor for rest.
5. Much of our behaviour is habitual and automatic — Asaf Mazar Phd candidate psychology. To effectively change behaviour you have to form new habits. Make sure I have matcha and oat milk in the house for when cravings arise. When I desire the social component of coffee, go to coffee shops that have matcha.
6. Decaf coffee is an alternative when matcha is unavailable.
7. Sip ginger tea at my desk when reading the news. Won’t agitate my stomach lining.
8. Off coffee my sleep cycle is impeccable. My sleep quality is blissful.

My journey to break free from the clutches of my long standing coffee relationship has been marked by moments of temptation, resilience self-discovery, learning, growing and repeating the process till the steps forwards are more than the steps back.

Juliet and me are similar in ways. We are both stubborn and want what we want now. She wanted a love with a man who caused her grave anguish, kinda took advantage of her innocence, caused the death of her family member and divided an entire city. Yet she was unwilling to accept defeat for her desires. She would be with Romeo no matter the cost.

Coffee took advantage of me too. Over the course of twenty years its impacted my entire life and how I have done things. It is one of my longest enduring loves, if not the longest. Over twenty years together having gotten to me as a young women. It nurtured me, and grew with me. I have done everything with coffee. Long nights, early mornings, all weekenders. It’s been with me through the hard times and the great times. From whale watching off the alfresco balcony dining of George’s at the Cove in La Jolla, to street watching in the red and white striped cafes of Paris, to slamming down brews of liquid stimulation to meet deadlines, get to work, study, write and all the conversations in between of men, love, hope, despair and news. Coffee has been a constant. Saying goodbye is hard. That’s why I keep letting it back in when it comes to knock. Alas, the rapture of the night tap must end. I must keep the door locked. Like Juliet chose her fate, I must commit.

While the allure of coffee may continue to whisper its sweet promises, I am resolute in my commitment to elevate into my next calling of wellness and deconstruct these reductive paradigms of functionality that served a version of me that no longer exists. With repetition I can form new habits that replace the old ones and say goodbye to the toxic habits that come from not being able to let go of things no longer good for us.

I bid farewell to my beloved brew. “O faithful mug, This is thy resting place: there rust, and let me sleep.”

At time of this publishing Loukia has been 10 hours free of coffee. She was 3 days coffee free but slipped up, again.