How to achieve forgiveness in the most difficult times

Have you been struggling to forgive? In this article, we’ll explore how to attain true forgiveness in a relationship and achieve stronger relationships as a result.

Why we cannot force forgiveness in a relationship

We cannot force forgiveness. Forcing forgiveness would only lead to the suppression of all the underlying feelings and emotions that have not yet been reconciled as a result of the pain that you felt and have not been able to release yet. Forcing forgiveness through suppression of your pain, feelings, and emotions would then cause other imbalances in your relationship. These imbalances would have to be resolved at some point down the line, or might lead to the relationship ending.

Forgiveness in a relationship occurs naturally when we resolve the underlying pain and misunderstandings

Forgiveness occurs naturally when all of the accumulated pain and misunderstandings that have unfolded in a relationship are permanently resolved. Would you forgive your child if they spilled milk all over your favorite garment? Surely, you would. So why wouldn’t you forgive your partner, or anybody else, for something that they did, or continue to do, that is triggering your pain? The answer is simple. We don’t forgive because we believe that somehow attributing fault, judging, blaming, and punishing ourselves, or someone else, for the pain that we feel will somehow ensure that we won’t feel pain again. Of course, that’s not true.

Forgiveness in a relationship cannot happen without letting go of the desire to control others

As if somehow we could control ourselves, our partner, relatives, friends, and the rest of humanity into doing exactly what we expect or believe to be right, good, just, and fair. How many different versions of this ‘right, good, just, and fair’ exist out there? An infinite number. So, do you see the conundrum here? You can’t control anyone or anything, no matter how much judgment and punishment you apply to them, in order to get out of pain. The only way out of the pain that we feel when, we, or someone else, do not meet our expectations and beliefs is through understanding, acceptance, unconditional love, and forgiveness.

We learn forgiveness in a relationship through pain

It’s our nature as human beings, and you could say part of our evolutionary process as souls, to learn through pain. Pain provides us with feedback — sometimes immediate, sometimes delayed — about our actions. This feedback comes in the form of a reaction to every action that we take. Some cultures call it karma. We’ll call it the ‘Action-reaction’ cycle. Usually, when we act in a way that triggers pain in others, we in turn experience pain as a result, even if the feedback of the pain we triggered is not direct. Somehow, some day, we learn to understand the implications of our actions on others through our own pain.

You can free yourself from more pain through forgiveness in a relationship

If you want to be free of your pain, it’s essential that you understand that your partner, your boss, your parents, your friends, your neighbors, and anybody else for that matter, do not cause your pain. They simply trigger your pain. If they trigger it, that means it’s already here. So all they’ve done, really, is shine the light on a subconscious part of you that has felt, stored, and accumulated unresolved pain deep within you. You didn’t know it was there. You may not even remember when, where, how, and why you put it there, but the fact is that you did. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t feel pain. Can you see the gift in it now? Their pain triggers your pain so that through acceptance, understanding, unconditional love, conscious wisdom, discernment, and forgiveness, you can both — and we can all — be free from pain.

You’re the first one to benefit from forgiveness in a relationship

If you’re struggling forgiving, remember that you’re not doing anyone a favor by forgiving them. You’re doing yourself a favor. You’re stepping into your own personal power in order to heal yourself and to release unnecessary painful memories that would otherwise continue to limit you from your subconscious mind. If you’re struggling to forgive someone, it’s because they triggered your pain. But what really happens when you don’t forgive? When you keep the blame going and don’t forgive, you’re not punishing them, you’re punishing yourself. When you don’t forgive and hold onto blame, judgment, and punishment, you’re clinging to your pain.

Lack of forgiveness in a relationship only leads to more pain

When you cling to your pain, not only are you not healing the pain that was triggered in you, but now you are also adding to it by spending your energy, time, and intentionality on resentment, anger, sadness, victimhood, blame, and hatred. When you don’t forgive, both your conscious and subconscious mind are continually filled with negative thoughts and the replaying of painful memories. This, in turn, triggers negative feelings and emotions. Those negative feelings and emotions trigger more negative thoughts and fears, that then trigger more negative feelings and emotions and, so on and so forth. And thus, the cycle of pain and negativity continues. Not forgiving someone is building a prison for yourself. A prison that degrades your health, your quality of mind, your consciousness, and the overall quality of your relationships and life.

Forgiveness in a relationship is a conscious choice that you make to step out of fear

No one can force you to forgive anyone. You have to make that choice for yourself because you see the value of doing so. In order to make that conscious choice, you have to be willing to question all the limiting beliefs and fears that are preventing you from forgiving. You have to be able to look deeply within your soul and realize that fear is not going to make your life better, and that it’s only going to keep you stuck, repeating the same cycle of pain over and over again. In order to achieve forgiveness in a relationship, you have to see how negative and destructive the process of fear, which prevents you from forgiving, truly is.

Judgment and punishment are antithetical to happiness, love, connection, and forgiveness in a relationship

If you have been subconsciously believing that, if you didn’t forgive and continued to judge and punish your partner, your boss, your parents, your friends, your neighbors, or anybody else for that matter, who triggered your pain, you would then be able to control them out of their pain and get them to do what feels safe to you, and thus avoid your own pain, think again. No one gets out of their pain and permanently resolves it through judgment and punishment. We get out of our pain through love, patience, acceptance, understanding, conscious wisdom, discernment, compassion, and forgiveness.

Forgiveness in a relationship means more love, not less

You can’t heal pain with more pain. You can heal pain with more love. Forgiveness is one the greatest tools you have to free yourself from your own pain and to help others free themselves from theirs too. Are you ready to let go of the fears and limiting beliefs that are preventing you from forgiving? If you are, then check out our video on forgiveness, where we’ll share with you our process for achieving a life of love, acceptance, forgiveness, joy, and inner peace. Sounds like something worth exploring?