“Most people’s lives, what are they but trails of debris — each day more debris, more debris… long, long trails of debris, with nothing to clean it all up but death.”
— Mrs Venable, Tennessee Williams
Beginning at The End: Suicide Isn’t The Solution. It’s The Tipping Point.
Introduction
Ever felt like your life or the situation you’re currently facing is like a scene from a movie?
Chances are that scene or movie has already been created. The beauty of film and story as a whole is that it creates relatability. A source of escapism for viewers. It can also allow us to feel understood when we feel like no one else can. Also, that it is not a foreign situation. It is a human situation and someone else out there is in exactly the same boat. Fact or fiction.
I’ve recently had a detrimental shift in perception and many demons I’ve attempted to bury have resurfaced leaving me feeling like Catherine Holly in Suddenly Last Summer. One of my favourite films adapted from the play written by Tennessee Williams. The premise in brief via Wikipedia:
New Orleans, 1937: Catherine Holly (Elizabeth Taylor) is a young woman institutionalised for a severe emotional disturbance that occurred when her cousin, Sebastian Venable, died under questionable circumstances while they were on summer holiday in Europe. The late Sebastian’s wealthy mother, Violet Venable (Katharine Hepburn), makes every effort to deny and suppress the potentially sordid truth about her son and his demise.
Like me, the root of Catherine’s problems arose from trauma, grief, shame and sadness leaving her attempts of expression as she recounts her experience too insurmountable and confronting to others, even herself. Like me, there are people in Catherine’s life that are compelling her to suppress truths and deny her own reality. That is until Catherine yields to the assumption that perhaps she is insane and in turn represses truths in order to survive until she believes the only way to alleviate herself of any anguish is to attempt suicide. (And this is just the beginning of the story!)
Dr. Cukrowicz: Why did you try to kill yourself?
Catherine Holly: Isn’t that what everybody wants? Me out of the way.
Like Catherine Holly, I had a nervous breakdown.
The Catalyst
The days leading up to it were emotionally exhausting and I found myself dealing with the problem as though it was one that was easily fixed. At this point I could see solutions. Not the most perfect ones, but a few band aids that could aid the process in healing the scars. This is what I’d done my entire life. A few life cuts and bruises and a nice little band aid to cover up the pain. I mean, don’t we all do that every now and then?
It took several catalysts in one day that had been bubbling inside of me, some even over a lifetime, for me to lose control of reality and my ability or want to participate in the present. I had reached boiling point. But no, this was different. I had reached boiling point many times before and escaped with the ability to look upwards and not fear moving forwards. A dark shadow had cast itself over me. Slowly consuming me. It was filled with rage, despair, frustration, exhaustion and a stabbing pain that suddenly left me numb. The band aids were stripped from me, there were none left and the scars were exposed. I could literally look in the mirror and see the scars. Wounds that had never healed, wounds that were reopened and new wounds to add to the collection of emotional scars. My heart beat fast and at times it seemed like it had stopped. My mind was a cloudy haze of confusion and wrath all at once. My subconscious fought to be heard but it was too late. I’d taken lots of pills. I’d drowned those thoughts out as I did most nights. I didn’t intend to commit suicide. Simply put, I just wanted to feel nothing and for some time this “helped” me cope.
A year ago I was diagnosed with a chronic illness that, at times, was somewhat debilitating due to severe pain and kept me in bed with nothing but my thoughts. I had suffered depression previously and gone through the motions of therapy here and there and focused on my career and passions as well as experiences in order to live the life I always wished to live. A fulfilling one where I could sit back on the rocking chair when I’m older and look back on all the people and the memories I made. I wanted to amalgamate my passions as a form of contribution to the world in some way. Be it through entertainment through film, a few words here and there that may resonate with someone via my writing or just put a smile on someone’s face by showing their value. I’d focused so much on external factors and forgot about myself. I’d forgotten about the importance of understanding myself, my identity and my value. I found value in others and lost sight of who I was and what my mind had been screaming out to me for so many years.
I need to be heard.
In some way. Like everyone else does. Perhaps subconsciously this is how I ended up in the field I am in. Writing and Directing films. Rambling on internet blogs. Throughout my childhood, stories and movies kept me company and were the ones that guided me through life. The artists — be it the writers, directors or authors understood me and educated me on the brutality and the challenges life can sometimes bring but also provided insight, growth and endless possibilities.
A chronic illness ruins the body physically and a mental illness consumes the mind. For me, I was already facing these two battles with one another like a double edged blade trying to hold on to the middle and find a healthy medium from the two or pick which one I wasn’t going to be consumed by. Unfortunately the two go hand in hand and sometimes bounce off one another playing further tricks on you. I already had a difficult childhood upbringing that affected my perceptions of my own self worth and purpose and when I’d have days stuck in bed my mind would say:
“You are useless”
“You deserve this”
“You serve no purpose”
“This is what the rest of your life will be like”
“No one could ever love someone who was this useless”
The Decision
I had reached the bottom of what seemed to be a bottomless well. As Mrs Venable put it:
Mrs. Venable: Sebastian said, ‘Truth is the bottom of a bottomless well.’
I had been hit with harsh reality, still searching for truth as I plummeted deeper and deeper into this well. Millions of questions arose and the only answers I was capable of giving myself were all negatives. Thoughts, emotions and fears that I’d fought so hard to ignore or move forward from. However, when you’re falling fast down a bottomless hole you start to lose light, there’s nothing to hold on to. My instinctive reaction was to fight the fall. Claw at the walls, hold on to something till I realised I was already falling and there was no possible way of getting up or getting through this unscathed. At first I felt like I had been pushed into this well with the catalysts adding a garment made of rocks and weight to me. An unsuspecting and vulnerable moment in which grim sadness pushed me in. I fell fast and as the fall continued and the darkness erased all form of light I realised there was only one thing closer than light and that was eventually hitting the ground ending it all. Perhaps I’d finally find the bottom of that bottomless well.
I was suddenly consumed with the thought that ending my own life would be the only solution. This thought had been percolating within me for months. I’d spoken with my specialist about it. Apparently it was a side effect from my medication so we decreased it bit by bit. As the thoughts progressed I started to entertain them and slowly breathe life into them. I wasn’t blind sided by suicidal thoughts. I was fighting these demons for years and had pushed them far into the back of my mind. Now suicide was at the forefront and instead of fearing my impending fall at the bottom of the well I welcomed the notion of finally finding truth within this so-called “bottomless well”. Instead of realising it was a horrible notion I realised it was the only one and the most logical. Of course it wasn’t necessary for me to be in this world. Everyone will feel grief but we all move on and others are stronger and more equipped than I am to live within this world.
I started to glorify my death as a means of providing what I had always wished to provide to those who I loved and cared about. A sense of relief. I envisioned they would be sad to begin with due to shock then they would realise that they no longer had to deal with me at all. That my entire existence would slowly erase itself as the years went by and the sense of relief would sooth them. I would no longer be a burden. I would easily be forgotten. They would move forward and move forward quickly and as grief goes it would allow them to question their own mortality and purpose and propel them into making the changes that they were strong enough to face. I believed people who had known me by association or were close to me would find solace in each other and they’d learn more about themselves. Even though these were things I thought I was doing for everyone else I was obviously failing because I was still hurting others and acting out of weakness and not strength on a regular basis. I was exhausting everyone else’s lives with my own demons. Well, those demons would finally be put to rest. I was clearly incapable of addressing them and the kindness I exuded and the amount of forgiveness and value I placed in people, and often told them each, individually, on a regular basis was not enough. I was rejected constantly and something to be ashamed of in this world. Easily erased from memory whilst alive so what would be the difference in death?
Ok universe, lesson learned.
Ending my life for everyone else to see the value of theirs whilst ridding myself of the anguish in one fell swoop is what I will do.
Execution
Claiming control of my death by means of suicide started as a thought which then became an obsessive behaviour till I took action. Concerned friends sent me to a hospital where I was admitted into the mental health ward. The thoughts were becoming stronger and stronger. It was the only thought in my mind. The only one I was capable of thinking and as the hours and days passed I was infuriated by the thought of waking up to a new day. I lost my appetite, I smoked profusely, I didn’t drink water. I was like a zombie when my friends would visit. I had made a decision and there was nothing else consuming be but the prospect of execution. Friends would visit, talk to me over the phone, others flew down from interstate and returned from overseas holidays. I felt such guilt towards them. They were taking time out of their own busy work schedules, personal schedules and were emotionally exhausted and frustrated by my skewed train of thought. As I’d sit with them I wouldn’t be present. I’d simply be planning my death and the sense of relief I’d feel. I was feeding a hungry and dangerous emotion. I was dancing with the devil.
I started to say my goodbyes. Speak to those I hadn’t spoken to in a while, shut my family out, abuse an ex that had hurt me via texts, detach myself from the world and thoughts of the future. Anything and everything that would push me towards the direction I wanted to go in. I wanted to be hurt, I wanted to feel rejected, I wanted to continue to fall because it made it all seem easier. Instead of looking at the immense love and support my friends gave me I felt guilt. Severe guilt by putting them through this for my own problems, for my own inadequacies. It reaffirmed to me that I was a piece of shit that had nothing to offer.
I attempted suicide twice whilst in the hospital.
The first time was with absolute wrath in my heart, mind and soul. I was looking forward to the end and was slowly losing consciousness. The rest is a blur. When I came to consciousness I was a mess. Crying, incapable of breathing properly or opening my eyes. I felt like a failure. I felt even worse. I was infuriated by the fact someone had found me and I was not dead.
The second time was planned to a tee and I had set a goal for myself. This time there was no way of failing I thought. As I pondered the thought a visitor came for me. It was an old ex, my first love (Refer to: Besotted Brutality) and as soon as I saw him I was relieved I could say goodbye face to face. We chatted about the demons in my head. On every level he was able to relate to me. He knew me better than anyone else, he knew my family history better than my friends, he knew how I was in a relationship and how I react to them, he fought a battle with Chronic Illness also and had thought about his suicide when he fell into despair. We chatted, laughed and he provided a world of insight that I was open to hearing and absorbing in some way. Through the similarities in his experiences and choices and where he is now I saw a small glimmer of hope for myself. I was proud of him and thought perhaps I may be able to get there. A small win. After he left I continued with my plan. I was still committed to this thought. I had a long shower, spoke to friends who gave me powerful messages of hope and understanding and importance of realisation. I finally went to bed and tied a long cord around my neck and waited for the end promising myself to not let go. My body was so exhausted, had not been fed well, dehydrated and working on little resources left in my body. I felt the pain, my blood pumping and reassured myself it will all be over soon. I was so exhausted that I lost consciousness and awoke the next morning with the cord still tightly wound around my neck. How on earth did this happen I thought. I was so weak and so confused. Perhaps the universe was assisting me somehow. Telling me it wasn’t the right decision to make. Perhaps I was just not so good at ending my life. Perhaps a part of me couldn’t do it. So many ifs and buts. Unlike the first time I attempted I felt different. I looked around and was still disappointed to be where I was but somehow perplexed I didn’t die more than anything else. Why I thought? Is that some strange sign? Without realising perhaps I had absorbed the love, support and wise words of my support group without realising and this was the turning point but I just didn’t know it yet.
The Tipping Point
tipping point
noun
- the point at which a series of small changes or incidents becomes significant enough to cause a larger, more important change.
I had once read an interesting book by Malcolm Gladwell with the same title and found myself realising after that my breakdown wasn’t the tipping point I thought it was. As I was plummeting further into the bottomless well my support group dropped a ladder made of rope that I clung onto. Each rung on this ladder were the words of encouragement and actions taken to show love so when I hesitated to continue the climb or just let go they offered a guiding hand to assist me in climbing the rope. They decided that in order for me to find the light they should delve within the darkness with me and steer me upwards.
Of course it’s not as simple as that. Suicidal thoughts and depression isn’t something easily fixed. Others can’t provide the solution for you but they can definitely play an integral part but the most fundamental lesson is waking up to the realisation that although it’s easier to burn the whole house down instead of cleaning it, in the end, what you leave is debris for everyone else. Even if you feel you’re severely alone. Even if you truly are alone. It’s never the solution. It is the beginning of a domino effect you will inevitably create from your own pain affecting all those you have touched in some way. Death will not relieve you of the sadness others will face based on your choice to submit to suicide.
It’s a frightening notion to face to demons. To have them stare you in the face like a Mexican stand-off of the split minds as to who will eventually own your thoughts. I think to myself, of all the many paths I’ve taken, the ones I’ve walked through, cried through, laughed through and eventually found myself at varying cross roads where decisions need to be made in order to find an ongoing path I’ve found myself at a dead end within a dark blisteringly cold forest with no way of finding an exit. I continue walking through, slowly pacing, trying to find the light but it gets darker and colder and I find myself stationary, overwhelmed and frightened. Is there a way out or am I just wasting my own time? Time plays the biggest part in this. If you’re in a dark forest, have been or afraid of finding yourself there remember that there is a reason your path has taken you there and it’s time to face the darkness to emerge with a rejuvenated perspective and something to impart to others.
The reality is that life will have lows that reach the same peak as the highs. Life is brutal at times and so simple during others and some are just what they are and absolute neutrality towards a lack of control is sometimes the best way to submit to realisation. It is the pain versus pleasure mentality. What I have learned (and still learning) is that we are conditioned to always choose the pleasurable path opposed to the painful path and only deal with the pain once it presents itself as a large hurdle that can debilitate us until we face it head on. We fear choosing the painful method simply because we are afraid. Fear becomes overwhelming. Fear of failure, rejection, heart ache, loss, whether it’s useless or life’s not worth it. Well, think of it this way. The best decisions have been made once we’ve failed or hit rock bottom. Why? It forces us to make powerful decisions, evaluate what we’re afraid of evaluating and in turn allows us to actualise the truths we’ve feared for so long. In essence fear, failure and pain should never be seen as the negative force that governs us to make detrimental choices. They are catalysts to make decisions that will empower us.
I know for myself, at this point I became a zombie. Incapable of processing information or resisting the act of processing it. I was overwhelmed by my pain that I allowed it to govern me towards a destructive path. When I realised that the pain was actually allowing me to gain insight, learn more about myself, learn more about my patterns or fears and face them with vital force I realised I could actually start to make decisions and slowly, so very slowly, found clarity. Now, I’m not saying this is an easy task. It’s not. Pleasure is what we’re conditioned to choose because it alleviates us of pain but if we lived a life continually on a quest for quick pleasure then we will never really make succinct decisions. Pain, as a catalyst for thought and self understanding opens up more questions the further we delve back. The more we actually utilise pain as a friend rather than a foe to be afraid of then we can crack a simple code that can allow healthy and mindful decisions for ourselves. Through pain we understand what we want and what we don’t want. What we settle for and what we refuse to settle for. It’s not an easy route to take. It’s the darkest one to take and frightening all the same but the pleasure that comes from immense pain is the greatest form of pleasure because it creates further pleasure in every avenue of our lives. It creates insight without us even realising it.
Take for example a romantic relationship. There are some who are driven to the pleasure of a relationship and what love does. They dive in and fall hard and give their all for the sake of pleasure. For themselves or for the other but what happens when that pleasure dissipates or worse your partner inflicts pain upon you? Whether it be that they don’t feel the same, they cheated, they ended things. Whatever it may be the knee-jerk response is to say, “Relationships are too painful I’m afraid this will happen again. I don’t want to feel this pain”. Unfortunately it is a natural part of growth and evolution towards our true selves but we resist allowing ourselves to feel the pain because it is unpleasurable. Then the next relationship comes across and we’re either hesitant or we’re confident that we’ve dealt with the pain and if worst case it happens once more we can tackle it differently. We take that leap because of the pleasure once more which of course is not a bad thing. If anything it’s what we should all strive for but if you notice a pattern, if you haven’t been made aware of that pattern just yet, then take some time out to notice that pattern and what it is you fear that keeps you from changing those patterns that lead you to the same place of pain. There’s a reason “baggage” in relation to romantic relationships is such a commonly used word. It’s the simplest way of stating that a person hasn’t dealt with their pain and brings upon a pattern toward their next partner which is unfair and exhausting for both parties. In dealing with pain piece by piece and learning more about yourself and your needs and wants — be it romantic relationships or anything else in life for that matter — then utilise the pain as a means of self exploration and understanding and longevity comes with the pleasure.
Let me provide another example for you. Let’s say an artist creates an amazing painting that sells for $5000 they find pleasure in that moment. Why? Because they created something that was indicative of their identity and someone else found value in it so they feel validated and successful. All powerful thoughts. If the artist creates a different painting afterwards and someone says to them, “I don’t think that’s worth $5000. I refuse to buy it.” they feel pain. There is no validation in their work, they ponder, they think why was the other one worth the money last time and this one wasn’t. Like the other, that was indicative of who I am and now that thought of how I value myself and my talents is compromised. They then think they’re a failure or afraid to make another piece for fear of further rejection so they then say, “I can’t be an artist, I can’t do it because one person made me feel pain and made me lose value in myself. I will never paint again.” They give up and choose to not take a valuable lesson from that statement and find a positive in it. Instead look at it and say that perhaps it wasn’t to this individuals liking and that’s ok or that this is an opportunity to explore other methods or styles and grow artistically through it and perhaps the next piece will sell for $10,000! Rejection and failure are the methods that force us to grow, assess and make better decisions. In this case, the art work itself is not what we’re putting on the line it’s our own individual expression and when it doesn’t meet the response we want we perceive it to be a judgement of our character. This is how we feel about anything and everything in life. Not just an artist. An accountant or a chef can feel the same way also. Why is that? It is based on self perception and understanding of pain and pleasure. What we then have to understand is that we need to look at the pain as the greatest lesson of life. All great success stories are born from this fear and this pain.
If, just like Catherine Holly and I you feel you have reached the end of your tether and have given up then let me stop you right now and tell you:
Reading up until this point shows you haven’t given up and you’re clearly smart enough to identify there’s a pattern in your life you need to change and can change.
Be it the thought that has turned into a behaviour or habit that makes you feel like suicide is the only form of alleviating that pain. What brought you to that pain and why do you feel like you can’t tackle that pain or learn from it and emerge from the dark forest, or bottomless well with a newfound understanding of yourself and your value? It’s not an easy route but it’s easier than suicide. I can guarantee that. All that energy you’ve put towards believing that suicide is the only decision is to find peace and pleasure in some form for yourself without understanding the pain it will bring others. Simply to alleviate and extract yourself from pain. A pain you know all too well and would never wish upon anyone else. So, take some time out to really think about how your perceptions of pain can make or break you and understand and know that you are needed, wanted and can make a profound difference having experienced something so overwhelming but also understand it can sometimes be a lengthy process. The harder you work to tackle the demons then the closer you get to the pleasure it will bring. If your motives are out of anger and spite then that is the pattern you need to change. It is exhausting you and you need to focus on pleasure in some form. Be it something as small as watching a movie or doing something you love to remind yourself of what gives you pleasure and keeps you passionate. Don’t allow pain to govern your thoughts. Govern the pain and take charge of your demons by making concise and honest decisions that allow you to evolve and grow.
The final scene of Suddenly Last Summer is the most pivotal moment in the movie. Dr. Cukrowicz brings Catherine Holly to Mrs Venable’s family home and amongst the presence of family she recounts the traumatic story of Sebastian Venable’s death that provoked her and her family into the depressing situation they were all placed in. Through her words and exploration of the pain in her mind she exposes the truths she was afraid to unearth in turn setting herself free from her misery. She emerges from the bottomless well having found truth at the very bottom and realising it is within reach and it can set her free.
Like, Catherine, I was set free by truth also and although I still find it a struggle some days I’m utilising my pain as a means of catharsis. Instead of using suicide as the answer I’m turning it into the question to give me the real answers and in writing this blog post I’m an example of what we can do in order to change our thought patterns for the better.
I am writing this as an open letter to anyone who has been or knows someone in the same situation. Truth sets us free and it’s not exactly the questions we ask of others but of ourselves. Truth lies within. As I’ve learned no one else can provide truth to you but your own self. That is what you can control and will control. Find what makes you feel you are the truest form of yourself and you will find the answers that you seek.
I believe, in this world, every individual has something important to impart and a lesson that can change someone else’s perspective on life. You may not feel you are that person but you are and you’ve lost sight of that. If you feel you have never been that person then now is your time to be that person. There is a reason you are here and a reason why you have read this. Although you’re struggling to find the reason I’ll tell you now it’s because you have a purpose. A very powerful one and that purpose is for yourself and you know better than anyone else what breathes life into you. Find that once more and challenge yourself by facing your demons and taking control of them. You will never be able to control how someone responds to you but you can damn well control how you respond to them and it should always be met with kindness. There’s enough pain in this world. But there isn’t enough positivity from painful experience. Everyone continues to seek pleasure without confiding in pain as a friend to help make conducive decisions paramount to their happiness. Pleasure in every essence can be like a drug. It acts as a tablet that propels us to extreme cases of euphoria without having earned the emotion which becomes all the more pleasurable. Once you turn pain into your friend and confidant you’ll find you’ll never need that pleasure drug. It will come to you naturally. So now, take the time out to really evaluate your decision.
It’s not suicide.
It’s life.
5 Tips
To combat negative thoughts
- Contact a Therapist and see them regularly
- If suicidal thoughts and self harm continues go to a hospital immediately
- Surround yourself with those that make you feel safe and supported
- Physical activity — too much time in your own mind over-thinking becomes mentally exhausting so use your body to have a rest from thought and place yourself in another environment
- Call hotlines that specialise in depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts
Dear Reader
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