Demystifying Co-dependency

It isn’t about being helpful or caring; it’s about enabling poor behavior in order to feel in control and secure.

Co-dependency is possibly the most misused psychology term I’ve ever encountered on the internet. Dozens upon dozens of ‘self-help’ blog posts and articles have mischaracterized it as dependency, an insecure attachment style, weak boundaries, or just plain neediness. But none of these things constitute what co-dependency actually is.

I’d like to start by saying that co-dependency isn’t a disease or mental disorder; it’s a behavioral condition that lives on a spectrum. It doesn’t make a person weak or bad or deserving of any abuse they might have suffered through because of it. It should never be used as slur or put down or a character assassination.

It’s a learned, maladaptive behavior, usually from childhood, when a child had to not only take care of, but enable, an abusive, addicted or otherwise low-functioning adult. They learn that their self-worth is based on how much they are needed — and that need is associated with how well they enable unhealthy behaviors in others.

But to really demystify what co-dependency is and what it is not, we must first understand where the term comes from.

The term co-dependent actually comes from the term co-alcoholic, which was coined in the 1950s to describe the spouses of alcoholics, who felt a sense of relationship security and control by enabling the alcoholic’s self-destructive behavior.

Note the term enabling and not helping.

Co-dependents don’t actually help their partners get better. Instead, they help them stay in their impaired or dependent state because, in part, they either fear losing them if they get better or actually believe the person cannot learn to take care of themselves or shouldn’t have to. This is usually not a conscious behavior. They may think that enabling someone else by taking responsibility for them completely is a form of helping. But it’s not. They are just creating more dependency in order to feel needed, in control and secure.

If a healthy, caring, altruistic person finds a friend unconscious from an opioid overdose, they ‘help’ by calling an ambulance or take them to the hospital.

A person with co-dependency issues with the addict is more likely to be the one who ‘helped’ by buying the drugs for them in the first place, because they thought it would make them happy… even if they are also the one who winds up calling the EMTs.

Hence the prefix ‘Co.’ A co-alcoholic is someone who enables someone’s alcoholism. A co-addict is someone who enables someones addiction. A co-abuser will not only enable, but might even make excuses for and take responsibility for the abuser’s behavior.

A co-dependent is the general term that refers to all of these things, mainly “a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, abusive behavior, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.” — Shawn Meghan Burn, Ph.D., author of “Unhealthy Helping: A Psychological Guide for Overcoming Codependence, Enabling, and Other Dysfunctional Helping,” and professor of psychology at Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo.

Burn also describes it as “an imbalanced relationship pattern where one partner assumes a high-cost ‘giver-rescuer’ role and the other the ‘taker-victim’ role.”

“The codependent taker is usually some combination of needy, under-functioning, immature, addicted, entitled or troubled. They rely on the giver to take care of them, assume or soften the negative consequences for their actions, and to compensate for their under-functioning,” Burn explains.

“Meanwhile, the codependent giver is usually an empathic, forgiving, competent and altruistic person. They play the role of extreme caregiver, rescuer, supporter or confidante. They show love and caring by making sacrifices for the taker that usually enable rather than empower them.”

If someone who is co-dependent exhibits all these positive qualities, how does one distinguish altruistic, loving and caring behaviors from enabling codependent behaviors?

Here’s a quick guide:

What Co-Dependency IS and what it IS NOT:

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Co-dependency IS: Enabling disguised as help. The enabler or ‘giver’ creates more dependency by stunting the personal growth of the ‘taker.’ This could be a spouse, parent, friend, or child.

• Actually going out and buying drugs and alcohol for an addict and/or even doing drugs with them.
• Feeding into someone’s delusions and self-centeredness. Allowing them to go off meds if they want to. Keeping them depressed … all so they won’t leave.
• Taking care of them completely, as if they were still a child, even though they’re a grown adult, so they don’t every learn how to take care of themselves.

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Co-dependency is NOT: Helping an addicted or mentally ill person get treatment, teaching a dependent or low-functioning person how to take care of themselves, or caring for a ill loved one. That’s actually helping someone; not keeping them in an impaired state so you can retain control.

The following acts of kindness are NOT co-dependent:

• Saving someone from an overdose. Staging an intervention with an addicted friend. Sending them to a treatment program. Supporting them through their recovery.
• Encouraging a troubled friend to seek therapy. Gently telling them the difference between what’s real and not. Watching them so they don’t hurt themselves. Making sure they take their meds. Checking them into a hospital when they need it. Consoling them when they’re depressed.
• Teaching someone life-skills so they are able to support and take care of themselves.

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Co-dependency IS: Engaging in a care-taking and / or rescuing relationship with a person who uses them to avoid age-appropriate responsibilities, like:

• Preventing them from learning to become financially self-sufficient and stable by supporting them, even if they can’t afford to.
• Taking on their parenting responsibilities, because the other person is ‘not good at it’ or does not ‘get along’ with one of their children, instead of encouraging growth by holding them accountable for their own relationship with their children.
• One person handling the finances because ‘they’re better at it,’ rather than encouraging the other person to learn those skills themselves.
• An unequal distribution of labor. One person doing ALL of the housework and picking up after them, because the adult ‘taker’ is too lazy to lift a finger, even if the giver is already the bread-winner and doing almost all the labor in the relationship.
• Allowing adult children to live with you indefinitely, so they are shielded from the normal responsibilities and pressures of being self-sufficient and independent, even though they are capable of living on their own.

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Co-dependency is NOT: Helping someone when they get in trouble, but still holding them accountable for the consequences and expecting them to live up to their age-appropriate responsibilities, such as:

• Giving them tools to help them become financially stable and independent on their own.
• Helping someone with a resume so they can get a job.
• Holding them accountable for their parental responsibilities and obligations, but pointing them in the direction of parenting classes or other support resources if they need it.
• Someone teaching someone about credit, how to balance their check book, how loans and retirement accounts work, the importance of paying pay bills on time, etc.
• An equal distribution of labor within the relationship, where one party is responsible for bread-winning and the other is actually doing the work to keep and run a house and/or raise children.
• Helping an adult child or friend get back on their feet for a short time by allowing them to stay with you, but expecting them to take steps towards becoming independent during their stay, with the understanding that it’s not a permanent situation.
• Helping an adult child or partner out with schooling, college or other vocational training to better themselves, as long as they are completing their coursework and making progress.
• Letting a disabled, ill or dying friend or family member live with you, because they are unable to live on their own and may be too debilitated to take care of themselves.

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Co-dependency IS: A chronic need to be needed by others so desperately that they chose partners who are dysfunctional and/or create dependence in others in order to feel secure and have a sense of control in the relationship. In fact, they might be disinterested in healthy, functioning, independent people all together.

Co-dependency is NOT: Feeling needy or clingy or dependent on someone else. In fact, dependence is the opposite of co-dependency. Co-dependents can act totally independently and even feel in control. They need others to be dependent on them in order to feel whole. Not the other way around.

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Co-dependency IS: An over-reliance on the ‘taker’ for their self-image and self-esteem. They might identify themselves through their dysfunctional relationship with the dependent ‘taker’. They are the person who ‘takes care of’ them. They are the ones who are responsible for their happiness. They might even claim the person they are enabling needs them and might not even be able to live without them.

Co-dependency is NOT: Loving someone, giving them care when they are hurt or sick, advice when they need it, being there for them when they’re down — or enjoying making them happy.

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Co-dependency IS: Chronic, extreme fear of rejection, criticism, and abandonment.

Co-dependency is NOT: Expressing an insecurity or need. In fact, being able to voice your insecurities is the opposite of co-dependent behavior. It’s not being vulnerable with someone enough to be hurt by them or caring what they think or having a normal fear of rejection. Everyone fears rejection and can be hurt by those they love. It’s not having a normal emotional interdependence on a partner, friend or family member.

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Codependency IS: Extreme conflict aversion in order to avoid rejection or abandonment. Doing almost anything to avoid conflict, including evading, stonewalling, lying, lying through omission, and people pleasing behavior.

Codependency is NOT: Wanting to keep the peace or have harmonious relationships, but understanding that conflict is healthy in a relationship and helps people get closer and be more authentic with each other. Understanding that it’s okay to disagree with someone and not worrying about if they like you less because you spoke your mind or told the truth.

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Codependency IS: Denying and even defending the ‘taker’s’ addiction, under-achievement and/or poor behavior. They might need to portray their relationship as ‘perfect’ or ‘flawless’ or much less unhealthy than it is. They could claim there’s nothing wrong with the ‘taker’ or the way they act. Or excuse them because they are sick or addicted. In abusive situations, the enabler might even make excuses for the abuse, saying that they or someone else deserved it.

Codependency is NOT: Having compassion for someone, but also being real about their flaws. Understanding that you can love someone and acknowledge they’re not perfect. Toxic or maladaptive behaviors are not denied or defended. Abusive acts are called out and someone might even end the relationship over them.

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Codependency IS: Taking everything personally and not taking criticism well. Feeling under-appreciated in the relationship and wishing the ‘taker’ would be more thankful for everything they do for them. Getting angry when someone doesn’t take their advice or let them help them.

Codependency is NOT: Being able to take healthy, well-intentioned criticism and/or giving advice without the expectation that it will be taken. Withdrawing or deescalating ‘helpful’ behaviors when they realize they won’t be reciprocated by people who can.

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Codependency IS: Expressing negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways, because of this fear of the consequences of direct conflict. This could include sulking, sullenness, pouting, the silent treatment, stonewalling, sabotaging, purposefully being late or leaving tasks undone, and even infidelity.

Codependency is NOT: Expressing complaints directly, even if the expression is emotional and heated. It’s not being loyal and devoted to your partner either. Cheating is actually quite common in co-dependents, since that may be a way they passive-aggressively express their resentment for their unreciprocated or under-appreciated caregiving.

At it’s core, co-dependent behaviors may seem like wonderfully caring and altruistic acts of kindness, but co-dependence is not really about helping people; it’s about creating dependency in them. It’s about feeling power and control.

True co-dependents are addicted to being needed. And that often means needing other people to be dependent on them. In extreme cases, there might even be a secret desire for someone to not be able to exist or function without them. Or a fantasy that they are the only ones who can save someone who is unhappy or troubled.

Taking care of someone completely, taking on ALL their responsibilities and shielding them from the consequences of their actions is not helping someone. It’s stunting them.

If you’re wondering if you might be in a co-dependent relationship — or at least exhibit some of these traits, here are some questions you can ask yourself:

• Do you like feeling needed and in control?
• Do you get angry or hurt when someone doesn’t take your advice?
• Are you scared that if someone doesn’t need you, they will leave you?
• Did you get into a relationship with someone who seemed deeply unhappy in order to try and make them happy?
• Do you feel like you’re completely responsible for someone’s happiness, survival, and/or well-being?
• Do you feel like you’re the only one contributing to or making an effort in the relationship?
• Has your relationship caused you to have trouble keeping jobs, going to school, or advancing your education and/or career?
• Do you recognize unhealthy behaviors in your partner but are afraid they will leave you if you ask them to improve or stop doing them?
• Are you giving support to your partner at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical health?
• Do you frequently make excuses or compensate for your partner’s bad behavior? Are you always apologizing for them to other people? Cleaning up their interpersonal, legal of financial messes?
• Have you ever borrowed money to finance another person’s addiction, poor financial management, lack of achievement, or associated crisis?
• Have you ever had to move back in with your parents or financially strain roommates, because you live with a person who refuses to work or pay their fair share in rent?
• Have you ever let a person sexually, physically, psychologically and/or emotionally abuse you, a family member and even a child in order to stay in a relationship with them?

If you find yourself making excuses for abusive behavior, please seek help.

We all want to help people who are troubled — and being co-dependent does not mean you’re intentions are bad. In fact, they are usually quite noble. But it’s essential to understand that you can only help someone so much and that you are ultimately not responsible for other people.

Sometimes ‘helping too much’ prevents someone from learning to help themselves.

True altruism is empowering others to do for themselves.