More Relationships, More Red Flags: Identifying Emotional Abuse in Polyamory

I’d like to start by saying there are a ton of really loving and compassionate people who practice polyamory, but just like monogamy, there are toxic people who can harm you if you get close to them. Because the norms of romantic and sexual relationships in polyamory are so different from main stream expectations, it’s easier for those with abusive intentions to use non-monogamy as an excuse for bad behavior.

I’ve experienced both and the latter is really damaging. You can feel used, taken advantage of, marginalized, and gaslighted. Your insecurities and vulnerabilities can be weaponized against you and your normal emotional reactions pathologized. This is emotional abuse, be it in a mono or poly context.

There are always red flags at the start of any relationship we can look out for, if we’re conscious of them. But red flags in polyamory can be tricky. It comes with some very different standards and boundaries for romantic and sexual behavior than monogamy.

It’s more complicated because it includes more people. Your partner(s) are not the only ones who can directly effect your sexual, emotional and psychological health. So can your partners’ partners, which is why it’s just as important to look at who your metas are and how they behave, as it is to watch out for red flags in your partner.

Here’s a pretty detailed guide I wrote based on my experience and the experiences of some of the poly folk I’ve spoken to.

THEY MOVE WAY TOO FAST

Rule of thumb: check the intensity of your relationship from the start. Does it feel like a world-wind romance after only a couple of dates? Do they say things to you like ‘I only want you,’ but they’re poly and already have other partners — or ‘If I had met you before I was poly, I would have stayed mono.’?

Do they want a big commitment from you after only knowing you for a few days or weeks?

But what about their other partners? Is your new partner neglecting their other commitments? Are they speaking about a partner or a recent ex in a devaluating way? Do they tell you they prefer you to the others? Did they dump another partner because now they have *you*?

On the flip side, do you have a partner who meets someone new who wants to move way too fast and way too intensely?

If the answer is ‘yes’ to most of these, you might be experiencing good old-fashioned passionate love — or you might have just been love-bombed!

Being love-bombed feels amazing. But love-bombing is also the first stage in a narcissistic relationship cycle, in which they seduce someone by making them feel like the most special and cherished person on Earth.

Once they have you (or your partner) they will begin to devalue you. Suddenly, you’re not as perfect as they thought. They might unilaterally change your relationship agreement without your input or consent. They’ll criticize and cut you down until you draw a boundary with them and finally stand up for yourself. They might threaten to break up with you for drawing boundaries, expecting to be treated fairly or complaining that a need isn’t being met. There might be a ‘you must accept these circumstances and this treatment — or I will abandon you’ decree. If you continue to stand your ground, they’ll begin to understand that you might not be a cooperative source of narcissistic supply anymore. When that happens, be prepared to be discarded, dumped and dropped like a hot potato.

A narcissistic relationship has three phrases:

Idealization (love-bombing) → Devaluation → Discard

If you see your new partner treat one of their partners this way, prepare for them to treat you this way too.

**There’s another dimension to this cycle with metas that’s unique to poly, but mirrors what its like to try and maintain a friendship with someone with abusive traits. Is your new meta overly welcoming? Do they want to be sister wives or brother husbands right away? Have you move in with them and the hinge after only knowing you for a month or two? Do they encourage you to help them out with their obligations and responsibilities, like the kids, yard work, house hold chores, their work, finances etc., as if you were their partner? But then they don’t reciprocate? Do they have weird boundaries? Do they think you both are just so much a like? Do they negatively gossip about their partners, friends and other metas behind their back?

After a while, do they use all the vulnerabilities and insecurities you’ve confided in them against you? Do they find back-handed ways to demean you or make you feel like less? Do they try and make you feel insecure in general? If you get into a conflict with them, do they suddenly say or imply they have veto power over you, even if there was no mention of a veto before?

Do they encourage the hinge partner to drop you when you start drawing boundaries and stop doing them favors?

If the answer is yes… your meta might be a narcissist.

ONE OR MORE OF YOUR NEW PARTNER’S EXISTING RELATIONSHIP APPEARS UNHEALTHY

Your partner’s other relationships can be a preview of the kind of relationship they’re going to have with you: so pay close attention.

In general, look at the health of your new partner’s current relationships for signs of toxicity. Even if your partner is lovely, their other relationships can (and most likely will) affect you.

Is he or she codependent with a toxic, addicted or chronically selfish meta?

If they are, beware: you might be expected to be too.

Are there signs of abuse and extreme dysfunction? It’s easy to spot overt abuse, like constant fighting and screaming, physical violence, drug addiction, etc… but what it is more difficult to identify is covert abuse and dysfunction: Couples who claim to never fight, but deal with conflict passive-aggressively, lie or lie by omission in order to avoid conflict, ask you to lie with them when they’ve broken a relationship agreement, saying negative things about each other behind their backs, one partner gas lighting the other, your meta not wanting to acknowledge your existence, pretending everything is perfect when it clearly is not, etc.

Having said this, every relationship has its dysfunctions and couples’ have fights and are not always their best selves. It’s easy to judge from the outside. A relationship doesn’t have to be textbook toxic to not be for you. All it has to be is unhealthy for you.

DEMANDS TRUST THAT ISN’T EARNED

You should never feel forced or obligated to give someone your blind trust, especially if you’re just getting to know them and they haven’t fully earned it yet. The only person you’re obligated to trust is yourself. Time will reveal other peoples’ true intentions and integrity.

Polyamory can be scary and intimidating, especially if you’re getting involved with someone who’s part of a long-term couple. If things seem off, they usually are. It’s okay to ask someone if this is only about sex for them — or express you need reassurance to feel more secure.

Trustworthy people don’t expect others to trust them blindly. They welcome your skepticism and are willing to explain their motivations, even if they’re selfish. They want you to open your eyes and consent to the relationship in an open and honest manner.

Untrustworthy people become offended if you question their intentions. They might turn it around on you and get angry at you for questioning their integrity. They might suggest you have ‘trust issues’ or are a paranoid person. This is a huge red flag.

People’s motivations for doing things are not always about good or bad or best intentions. Most peoples’ intentions usually have nothing to do with you at all, because they are often self-interested. So, how can their intentions be in your best interest, especially if they don’t really know you that well?

Anyone who requires you to believe their intentions are always ‘good’ without any kind of healthy skepticism is asking for you to follow them with your eyes closed… and usually for a reason.

AN EMPATHY DEFICIT: CARELESSNESS, LACK OF INSIGHT & EMOTIONAL COLDNESS

Empathy is the ability to sense other people’s emotions and imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling. A sign someone could have narcissistic tendencies is a deficit or impairment in their ability to empathize with others.

So, how can you detect an empathy deficit early on? By a lack of insight, meaning your partner or one of their partners say or do obviously hurtful things to others without understanding that it’s hurtful — or why someone is upset. It’s kinda like being emotionally impaired. Someone with an empathy deficit has an E.Q. that’s literally lower than average. Someone with a low E.Q. doesn’t have to have malicious intentions to do harm. All they have to do is act without insight. This also comes across as carelessness.

Some examples of a ‘lack of insight,’ could be:

— Calling someone fat, ugly, stupid or some other obvious insult — and not understanding why the other person is offended — and / or making excuses for saying it, like they’re justing being ‘honest’ or the other person is being ‘too sensitive.’

— Emotionally clueless. Telling you they’re just using you, taking you for a ride or lied to you and then being sincerely confused why you’re hurt or don’t understand they said or did something malicious.

— Canceling or altering your plans without good reason or your input and blaming you for your disappointment.

— Violating a boundary and being genuinely confused about how that would upset you.

— Sleeping with someone new and blaming you for your insecurities or jealousy, even if they also experience the same negative emotions.

— Easily put-out or emotionally drained by most kinds of unselfish emotional labor.

— Coldness or disinterest in their own children, easily annoyed if they express needs. Same goes for adult friends.

— Annoyed at a friend who is in need or is sick — or has a family member who is ill. Doesn’t show empathy for their other partners and friends who are in crisis.

People with low EQs literally do not have the emotional bandwidth to handle the emotional needs of others. They can be so self-absorbed they see other peoples’ dramas, problems and crises as ‘inconveniences’ or ‘obstacles’ to their agenda and needs. They are literally emotionally drained by having to listen to a friend in crisis or taking care of a sick family member.

Ask yourself: do you want to tie yourself to people who will see you as an burden (and may even discard you) if you get cancer and need support? No, no you don’t.

I know it’s hard to see clearly when you’ve just fallen in love or are in the midst of N.R.E and want to see the best of everyone, but don’t make excuses for this kind of behavior. Not even if it’s just your metamour. Your partner is choosing to be with this person and that’s a comment on them as well. If you stick around long enough, you will be on the losing end of it.

DOESN’T LISTEN AND MAY USE ADULT ADD / ADHD AS AN EXCUSE

When you talk, the other person is just waiting for their turn to speak. Unless, you’re talking about them. If the subject isn’t about them or something they are keenly interested in, they’re tuned out.

What does ADD / ADHD have to do with this? Well, when someone has a difficult time with active listening, they will often blame it on ADD / ADHD even if they haven’t been diagnosed or prescribed medicine and have no symptoms of hyperactivity or trouble concentrating when engaging in self-centered conversations or activities they enjoy.

This may be a controversial red flag… so I won’t call it that. It’s a just weird telltale sign. Many psychologists have encountered adults who came in because they think they have ADD / ADHD because they’re bad listeners, and then the psychologist observes some very self-absorbed traits; not ADD / ADHD symptoms.

Does that mean people who are bad listeners or claim to have ADD / ADHD are all terrible self-absorbed, selfish, abusive people? Absolutely not. It’s just something to look out for in combination with these other traits.

EXPLOITATIVE BEHAVIOR & PARASITIC LIVING

Abusers don’t have any boundaries or limits on what they are willing to take from others, but have hard boundaries on what they’re willing to give. Boundaries they don’t usually share until they’ve gotten what they’ve wanted.

— They’re cheap. You pay for most of the dates, front the money for trips, etc. They’ll engage in certain activities or let your shared partner do certain things only if you pay for it.

— They’ll let you spend money on them or do favors for them without explicitly letting you know that they can’t or won’t reciprocate — or stopping you because they can’t.

— They make promises or say they will pay back money or return a favor, but have a low-rate of follow through.

— The relationship is on their terms only. They only see you when they want to see you. They only do the things they want to do; not what you want to do.

— They take credit for your or someone else’s ideas, work and/or accomplishments.

— They may talk about leaving ex-lovers simply because they didn’t meet their needs anymore or got bored, as if other people existence for them.

This is really hard to spot in the beginning of the relationship. It takes time to figure out if we’re being used — but here are a few things you can look out for from the start:

— Parasitic lifestyle. They and/or their primary partner live exploitative or parasitic lifestyles, meaning they are literally criminals — or make a living by taking advantage of other people. This is also a sign of sociopathy.

— Chronic dependence. A less severe example of this are grown adults who still live with their parents, family members or off other partners. I’m NOT talking about someone being recently displaced or laid-off and in need of help for a few months to a year — or someone with a disability or chronic illness — or a student needing housing while they finish their degree. We all need help sometimes. We’re talking about years and years of not being able to support themselves and living off other people. They usually have an excuse or a sob story about why. They’re still getting their ‘business’ off the ground or finishing that novel, it’s just taking years for them to get it right. If only the world understood their genius. Or they lost their job four years ago and no job they’ve been offered since is ‘good’ enough for them. They were living in an apartment years ago and the rent was raised, so they moved in with a family member. It’s been years, but still haven’t taken responsibility for themselves enough to support themselves again. Their situation is never their fault and they refuse to take accountability for their lot. They shift the blame and put the responsibility onto others.

If your partner or their primary can’t take care of themselves or their basic needs, there’s no way they’re going to be able to meet your needs.

Also, if someone is willing to take advantage of their long time friends and / or family members, they are totally willing to take advantage of you too.

Another really explicit sign of being exploitative is when they literally tell you they can use you for something, like… ‘you’re really good with kids… I guess our childcare problem is solved’ or ‘you make a lot of money, maybe you can help us buy a place one day and we can all live together.’

When someone tells you they value you because you’re a good resource for something they want, that just might be the way they see you.

Why are abusers exploitative? … because they feel like they’re entitled to use others to get their needs and wants met…

ENTITLEMENT & CHRONIC SELFISHNESS

People suffering with chronic entitlement believe they deserve special treatment, acclaim and rewards without earning them, even if it’s to the detriment of others. They might think they’re entitled to an award they did not work for — or a job they’re not qualified for, or a house or apartment they can’t afford.

They might think other people exist to provide them with such things, such as being financially supported by others, not having to work or meet parental obligations, or contribute to household chores. This type of entitled behavior might be normal from a child or teenager, but not an adult.

It’s really difficult to get entitled people to do their fair share of almost any non-pleasurable activity. Their existence often appears child-like or adolescent even when they reach middle age. Of course, they confuse the things they’ve been given with things they’ve earned — and may honestly believe being given things makes them better than people who work for things.

Entitled people will often announce they are selfish and/or always put their needs first. If someone says this to you, take it seriously. They’re probably not lying.

Another type of entitlement to look out for is sex entitlement. This could be as subtle as someone getting angry at you for pausing or stopping a sexual activity, pressuring you to do things you’re not comfortable with, not telling you that they’ve slept with someone else before sleeping with you, having no sexual boundaries — or as overt as sexual harassment, assault and rape, including statutory rape.

THEY TREAT YOU OR OTHERS LIKE OBJECTS

Because many abusers lack of empathy and think they are entitled to use people, they sometimes treat people and even refer to people as objects.

Sometimes objectification is blatant and overt. Beware of people who nakedly use objectifying terms to describe others like “unicorn,” “starter wife,” “poly training wheels” — or refer to their partners as “my secondary” or “my third.”

Objectification is the process of taking away someone else’s humanity so they are ‘turned into’ a thing or commodity and depersonalized so it’s easier to use and abuse them — or accept that they are objects to be used and abused in the community. And that’s exactly what language like this does.

There are more covert signs of objectification to look out for, though. Has anyone made you feel like you’re just arm candy? Like someone is just dating you to make themselves look good? You’re just the hot, younger partner they want to show off — or the successful, educated, well-to-do professional that makes them seem more credible?

Do they talk a lot about themselves, but don’t seem that interested in you? Do they talk about how much you love them or how you love them, but don’t talk about how much or the way they love you? Do you feel like if you stop making them feel special and feeding their ego, they might lose interest?

If you feel like you’re being objectified, you probably are. You get the feeling you are just there to fulfill a want or need — and your partner is more interested in how you make them look or how you make them feel than they are in *you.*

Have you ever heard anyone talk about how they dumped someone because they stopping fulfilling a need for them? Major red flag. Healthy people have relationships with other people; not with their wants and needs. This is a clear sign they see other people as objects.

You don’t exist to merely provide a service or fulfill a particular need. You exist to be seen, heard and loved. Don’t forget that.

LACKS REMORSE

When this person does something clearly wrong or hurtful are they truly sorry? When someone’s personality crosses the line from narcissism into sociopathy / psychopathy, the defining characteristic will be a lack of remorse and guilt for the malignant things that they’ve done.

We all do things that hurt others sometimes. We can all act out of anger or selfishness, but we usually feel bad if we’ve hurt others through our actions, especially those we are intimately involved with.

Feeling no or little regret, guilt or remorse for hurting others is a huge red flag and one you’ll see fairly early on, but it’s sometimes so unbelievable that you will rationalize it. Don’t. Take it seriously.

EMOTIONAL SADISM: TAKES PRIDE IN HURTING OTHERS

They may talk about having hurt past partners, brag about breaking peoples’ hearts, and boast about conquests who are much younger then them (even underage). They have no problem admitting to acting selfishly or hurting others to get what they want without remorse, regret or serious self-reflection.

In fact, their ability to hurt people may seem to boost their ego, believing it makes them superior. They are just so amazing that denying other people access to their person completely devastates them. They can’t help they’re that wonderful. Aren’t you lucky to be with them?

No. No, you are not.

HAS TROUBLE TELLING FROM RIGHT AND WRONG

Those with an empathy deficit may also have trouble telling from right and wrong — or at the very least, a hurtful action from a benign one. Ever talk to someone who doesn’t quite understand why harassment, assault, other sexually predatory behavior, and/or emotional/physical abuse are bad behaviors, even if they aren’t the one doing it?

Beware of people who use self-help books about relationships to excuse their poor behavior towards others. They shouldn’t need a book to tell them what’s a benign action and what’s a hurtful one. They should have their own inner moral compass to guide them.

If you feel like you have to explain the ‘The Golden Rule’ and/or the basics of treating people with kindness and respect to a grown adult, walk away.

If they haven’t learned how to treat other people by now, you’re not going to be the one to teach them.

And more importantly, it’s not your job too.

HYPOCRISY: CLAIMS TO HAVE INTEGRITY, BUT REALLY LACKS IT

They may put on a front of high integrity, in fact they might be perceived by others as a really nice guy or girl or even a ‘pillar’ of the community, but as you get to know them better and they open up, you’ll begin to notice their history is anything but on the up-and-up.

A good way of really sussing out whether someone actually has high integrity is listening to them and then watching their actions. First of all, if you have to parade around exclaiming what a good person you are, you’re probably over-compensating for something.

Words are cheap: watch what they do.

Do they claim to be an activist and/or community leader, post about it all over their social media, bask in the attention it gives them, but then doesn’t actually engage in the hard work of activism and community service?

Do they claim to have high integrity in the treatment of women in the work place and/or are feminist, but then enable and support people who harass and assault women and/or have a history of sexual misconduct themselves?

Do they claim to be a leader in their field, but their colleagues actually have little or no respect for them?

You might be asking yourself: if they’re not so full of integrity, then how do they have so many other people fooled into believing they’re angels? The key to understanding that level of cognitive dissonance is identifying the difference between being nice and kind.

Being nice is easy. It’s a completely superficial. It’s all talk and no action, like being polite, complimenting people, telling them what they want to hear, telling them you hear them and care about them without any action to back it up. Being nice is also driven by the need for acceptance, approval, validation, and admiration — and a fear of rejection. It’s externally motivated.

People love ‘nice’ guys and girls. They say such nice things all the time and are so positive!

But anyone can be nice. You can be polite to people you despise, manipulate people into liking you by complimenting them, say all the right things to make them think you’re a trustworthy person — and then fail to help them when shit gets real.

Being kind is work — and selfish people do not like work, especially if it’s not directly benefiting them. Kindness is about genuinely caring about people and showing that care through action. You don’t have to be ‘nice’ to be kind. Ever had that friend who got you out of trouble and then lectured you as they drove you home about how you’re fucking up your life? This person is less concerned about what you might think of them and more interested in doing the right thing by you. They care and do the hard work of helping you and then tell you what they genuinely think without worrying if it will make you like them less or not. A kind person acts out of a deep reservoir of compassion and self-esteem; not from a need to people please or look good.

This is integrity: when someone’s actions and personal conduct match their words.

YOU EXPERIENCE BOUNDARY TESTING & FLAT OUT BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS

There are two kinds of boundaries: weak and strong boundaries. Weak boundaries happen when someone lets another push on or violate their boundaries, usually because of fear of rejection or a people pleasing attitude. People who have strong boundaries are clear about setting theirs and standing their ground, even when they’re being pushed on, regardless if it causes conflict.

Toxic people will boundary test you to look for weak spots in the beginning of your relationship. Boundary testing is a sign someone might want to see how much you will let them control you — or what you’ll let them get away with. Boundary violations are literally about taking away your consent.

Here are some examples of boundary testing and violations to look out for:

— A potential partner not disclosing they’re non-monogamous or have other partners until after you sleep with him / her.

— A new partner not wanting to use protection the first time you have sex, even when you haven’t had an STD test and they haven’t gotten consent from their other partners. If they’re willing to do that to their long-term partners or a spouse, think about what they’ll be willing to do to you.

— Your partner pressuring you to do something sexual you’re not comfortable with.

— You’re partner using emotionally coercing you into starting or continuing a sexual activity.

— Your partner sharing sexy photos and videos of you with their other partners without your permission.

— Your partner having sex with another partner in your place of residence (or bed) without your consent.

— Your partner or potential partner bringing one of their other partners to a date with you, without getting your consent and/or theirs first.

— A partner or meta violating your privacy, wanting to see your texts, emails, messages, etc. Going through your things without permission, asking about your medical or sexual health records. The only person who has a right to ask you about this is the person you’re being sexually active with.

— A meta wanting to be involved with your schedule in lieu of your shared, hinge partner.

— A meta talking for your hinge partner, instead of your partner talking directly to you.

— A meta dictating to you what you are allowed to discuss or say to your shared partner.

— Your meta offering you things only your partner can, like having sex for the first time with him/her, the ability to have a child together, etc. (This is also a sign of unchecked couples’ privilege and a sign they might not respect your relationship with the hinge as being autonomous from theirs).

— Your meta showing up uninvited when you’re on a ‘date’ or having exclusive time with the hinge partner (and it’s not an accident or some kind of emergency).

— Feeling like your partner or meta is pressuring you into kitchen-table poly and/or to spend time with metas, even if you’d rather be parallel.

— Having a partner or meta pressure you into taking medications they are taking for infections like UTIs, rather than just recusing themselves from sex until the infection has past.

— Metas who think it’s okay to cancel your plans with your hinge partner. Your partner is the only one who can cancel plans with you.

— Partners or metas intentionally outing you as poly, if you’re closeted.

You just feel violated. Trust your gut and intuition. If something someone says or does feels icky, it might be a boundary violation. Examine what was said or done without judgement — and keep your eyes open.

Also, watch out for people who have a lot of ‘boundaries,’ but have a hard time honoring the boundaries of others. They will bulldoze you, if you let them.

Please don’t blame yourself if you’ve allowed some of your boundaries to be tested or violated. Because polyamory has a different set of standards than monogamy, its easier for abusers to manipulate others into believing their behavior in normal and if you object, you’re somehow insecure or jealous or infringing on their agency.

Under no circumstances is your right to consent and have your boundaries respected less important than someone else’s autonomy or agency to do whatever they want, even if that means violating you. That’s why we have laws.

SUPERIOR ATTITUDE & DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

— They have an over-inflated sense of how good-looking, smart and talented they are. So, over-inflated they can come across as deluded or mentally ill.

— They are special and *you* are special for being with them.

— They use a condescending tone and often talk to adults like children.

— They like to talk about how attractive and brilliant they are and how everyone wants them.

— They claim to have no insecurities or jealousies. Everyone is jealous of them, instead.

— If someone rejects them, it was because they were too good-looking or too hot or generally too awesome for them, not because they simply weren’t into them — or did something to drive them away.

— Dunning-Kruger effect on steroids. They’re a ‘know-it-all,’ even if they have no educational or professional standing to back it up and seem to have no clue they’re not experts on things they have no expertise in.

— They might act like being poly makes them more evolved or better than mono people.

— They will often criticize your ideas and and accomplishments, finding snide, back-headed ways of putting you down.

— They are always right. The other person is always wrong or at fault, because…

THEY ARE NEVER OR RARELY WRONG OR ACCOUNTABLE; NEVER CLEAN UP THEIR MESSES

Abusers rarely think they are responsible for their actions or inactions and how it impacts others. If you get in an argument, you are always in the wrong. If they do something emotionally insensitive or malicious towards you, you’re feelings are your fault.

They will even pathologize your feelings of anger, heartache and jealousy in order to worm their way out of being accountable for their actions.

Accountability looks like an attack to your autonomy when you don’t want to take responsibility for yourself and your actions.

Watch for this in your partners’ other relationships too. Do they or their meta take responsibility for their actions? Are they dismissive of their own misbehavior and depicts the victim as just ‘cranky,’ ‘hormonal,’ ‘needy’ or ‘unstable’? Do they act like they can get out of trouble by manipulating the offended party with sexual favors?

If your partner and meta have kids, look out for one of them doing the emotional heavy-lifting over the other when it comes to child-rearing. Is one parent always soothing one of the kids after mom or dad made them feel bad about themselves, instead of the parent who had the conflict with their child resolving it themselves? Is one person basically always making excuses for the others’ bad behavior, taking the blame and cleaning up their partners’ messes? Does this happen regularly? Then this isn’t just about one person being toxic or abusive. It’s about the other person being codependent and enabling their bad behavior.

People who don’t want to be accountable or responsible for their actions love to surround themselves with people who will clean up their messes for them. Don’t wind up being one of them.

HYPERSENSITIVE AND/OR ENRAGED WHEN CRITICIZED

Because they are superior, always right and rarely accountable for the damage they do, abusers will often become enraged or very hurt when called out or criticized for their misbehavior. When you give someone a piece of criticism/feedback, draw a boundary or tell them they upset you, look out for denial, gaslighting, stonewalling, playing the victim, rage, or them trying to turn the argument back around on you. They are hurt and lashing out, because you’ve inflicted a narcissistic injury on them — or just flat out exposed them.

Note: Don’t confuse someone who is having an emotional outburst for a valid, reasonable reason, like you broke a relationship agreement or betrayed them, with a narcissistic or ego injury. Narcissistic / ego injury isn’t about betrayal; it’s about challenging someone’s ego.

Not all forms of rage or anger are overt, though. Be sure to look out for covert, passive-aggressive forms of anger such as hypersensitivity, sulking, the silent treatment, stonewalling, withholding of affection, gaslighting, displaced anger etc.

A note on displaced anger: Someone with passive-aggressive tendencies might not be obviously angry, even if they’re seething inside, but the anger will come out in other ways and usually over petty things. They get irritated with how you’re chewing your food or tap your fingers on the table — and then suddenly, out of nowhere, scream at you to stop. They are suddenly enraged that you lost your car keys or you didn’t put the wine glasses in the right cupboard or make the bed to their specifications. The anger is almost always disproportionate to the ‘offense,’ because it’s not about the petty thing you just did. It’s about something else you said or did that they won’t directly confront.

A note on the silent treatment, radio silence and stonewalling: The silent treatment or radio silence are methods of psychological punishment and manipulation meant to put you in a state of fear and distress, so the perpetrator can gain control over you and bring you to your knees. It usually occurs when they have done something wrong and are called out on it. Instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they shut you down, as if you were the one in the wrong.

By not engaging in conflict, refusing to communicate and denying you access to them completely, the perpetrator can make themselves appear to be the more emotionally stable partner, the rational one taking the high road by putting over-emotional, irrational you in time-out. But this is couldn’t be further from the truth.

The silent treatment is actually a way someone can inflict pain without leaving bruises. Disapproving silence or being denied access to someone you love actually activates the anterior cingulate cortex (the part of the brain that detects physical pain). Yes, the silent treatment and stonewalling causes the same neurological effects as physical pain. This is emotional violence, plain and simple.

IRRESPONSIBLE AND/OR LACKS A REALISTIC LIFE PLAN

Look for a history of irresponsible and risky behaviors, like risky sex, sex with minors, over-spending, gambling, unsafe driving habits, careless indulgence, moderate to severe illegal drug abuse, poor financial management, parasitic living, etc., as well as constantly changing life plans and career goals.

Are they in debt, but can’t seem to pay it off no matter what assistance they’re getting? Do they depend on others to support them so they can continue being irresponsible? Are they having trouble maintaining jobs and/or are constantly starting new projects, but never completing them?

Do they often try to change careers often, thinking the next thing will make them rich or stabilize their life, only to have their new plans never come to full fruition?

Do they have unrealistic and/or delusional dreams of owning a home, but can’t even pay rent on an apartment? Do they talk about going to law school, but can’t even complete a college course?

If they have children, look for signs of mild to severe neglect. Are they behind in school and they don’t seem to care or doing anything about it? Do they only do the minimum to take care of their kids, i.e. house, feed and clothe them, but neglect their socio-emotional needs?

One sure way to spot an abusive personality is by observing how they interact with their children. Those with narcissistic traits don’t seem to care about their emotional needs or future (i.e. academic performance), because they are too focused on their own selfish needs. This makes them irresponsible parents.

Irresponsibility is about getting a want gratified in the moment without considering the consequences to others or the long-term effects to themselves.

Abusers’ with narcissistic traits have grandiose plans for the future and often fantasize about unlimited love and success, but are often too irresponsible to put in the time and effort to make those dreams a reality.

UNPREDECTABLE & INCONSISTANT

Their actions rarely match their words and their reactions are inconsistent. You never know what will set them off or cause them to criticize you.

It doesn’t matter how you act or what you do, you’re unable to tell whether they’ll approve or not. It’s almost like they’re keeping you on your toes… but for not apparent reason… other than control.

You often feel destabilized around them, like you don’t know what’s up or down. They change their minds all the time. Might unpredictably change your relationship agreement. Bait and switch you. Commitment doesn’t mean much to them if it’s no longer convenient.

Their environment changes with their whims with little regards to others. Their home is often chaotic and disordered (not necessarily talking about housekeeping). If they have children, they might not protect them against the instability of early dating in polyam and introduce them to people they’ve only been dating for a few weeks, even having them sleepover… only to move on to someone else right away, confusing the children about who is who and who they should care about and bond with.

It’s about them and don’t care if they create chaos around them, as long as they’re getting what they want.

*I know there are some polyam families out there and that’s awesome. This isn’t about you… it’s about unpredictable behavior.

CONSTANT NEED FOR ATTENTION AND VALIDATION

Abusers with narcissistic tendencies are deeply insecure and get all their self-esteem from outside sources. Presenting an image of superiority is only half the equation. They need an adoring audience.

Attention-seeking red flags:

— Over-flatters you so you will flatter them in return.

— Always needs to be the center of attention and/or only talks about themselves. They might even get angry or sulk and want to leave a party if they’re not.

— Needs a lot of validation on social media and will only tolerate praise.

— Exaggerates health issues or procedures to gain attention and sympathy from others.

— They may even compete for attention with their own children — and punish them, put them down, or exclude them from activities if they are, indeed, getting more attention and admiration.

— Poly folks who take on other partners just to make themselves look good — or because they can’t ‘be alone.’

— They take on new partners and/or triangulate them in order to make themselves look more valuable and desirable — and / or use triangulation as a means of manipulating partners to compete for their attention.

— Triangulation can also happen when your partner compares you to another of their partners in a negative light, in order to manipulate you into acting more like them — or just to make you insecure. Watch out for phrases like, ‘So-and-so does that with me. Why won’t you?’ OR ‘So-and-so would never say or do that,’ etc.

— Your partner asks you to compare them to your other lovers, tell them they’re the best boyfriend/girlfriend, the best in bed, etc.

THEY TRIGGER YOUR ABANDONMENT FEARS

Because they are so unpredictable and are constantly looking for validation, you may feel like they’re always on the edge of leaving or slipping away if you don’t try to please them, but can’t figure out how. Why? Because they are. As soon as one source of emotional supply and validation has gone stale, they will look for a new source.

They may also threaten to end the relationship if you don’t comply with situations that are harmful or emotionally hurtful to you. They might even expect you to not voice your concerns or even express your discontent as a condition of being in the relationship. This is a from of emotional coercion.

PATHOLOGICAL LYING AND EXAGGERATION

Watch out for people who lie to make themselves look better than they are.

While blatant lying is often easier to detect, hyperbole and exaggeration are much more sophisticated and insidious ways of lying and a bit more difficult to pin down.

A good example of this is when out current ‘president’ exaggerated the number of people at his inaugural ceremony — or the size of his hands.

Ways you can detect this in poly (or just in relationships in general):

— Presents a false-self to the public in order to make their life appear one way, when it’s really another.

— Lies about how long they’ve been poly in order to attract people looking for those more experienced in non-monogamy.

— Lies about or exaggerates what they do for a living, i.e. saying they have their own business or are an entrepreneur, when they’re only just thinking or dreaming about starting a business.

— Lies about their relationship status or presents their relationships as being more intense or significant than they are. An example of this would be someone saying someone is their boyfriend or girlfriend, when they’ve only been on one date or slept with them once.

THEY PROJECT THEIR ISSUES ONTO YOU

Projection protects us from uncomfortable feelings. When a person is feeling something that makes them feel icky, like an deep insecurity, they project it onto someone else as a form of avoiding their feelings and disappointment in themselves, because those feelings threaten their ego.

— They accuse you of breaking a relationship agreement, when they actually have or are thinking about it.

— They are questioning whether or not poly is for them and accuse you of *not* being poly.

— They are chronically dependent on others to take care of them, and then accuses someone else of being too dependent for expressing a need.

— They’re underachieving and shirk their responsibilities, but accuse the people supporting them of ‘not being adults’ when they do something that’s not to their liking.

— They accuse you of being jealous and insecure, when, in fact, they are jealous and insecure.

YOU FEEL GASLIGHTED OR YOU WITNESS GASLIGHTING

Gaslighting is a mind-control tactic in which an abuser, in order to gain more power over you, makes you question your own perception of reality, judgement and competency. It’s how narcissists brainwash their victims and control them.

Some examples of gaslighting are:

— They try to rewrite events that happened in your relationship, telling you things happened that didn’t — or they deny they ever said or did something they did. They are almost never open to the idea there was some kind of misunderstanding or failure on communication. They assert their version of reality is the only one — or stonewall you by refusing to discuss it.

— They invalidate your feelings, making you feel like you’re in the wrong or abnormal.

— They tell you you’re doing poly wrong, unless you do it their way.

— They exaggerate something wrong you did and downplay or deny mistakes they’ve made.

— Their actions do NOT match their words.

— They project something they did wrong onto you, shifting the blame onto you.

— They wear your perception of reality down over time. A little lie here, a little lie there. A back-handing compliment, a subtle insult. Your sense of reality is being boiled slowly alive…

— They throw in positive reinforcement for buying into their version of reality or to confuse you about their intentions.

Be mindful to look to see if this is happening in one of your partner’s current relationships. Does your meta continually convince your partner they did something that did not happen — or vice versus. Are they always trying to convince the other person they are wrong, crazy — or incompetent? This is severe emotional abuse.

Other signs your partner or meta might be emotionally abused to the point of brainwashing:

— They have low self-confidence and constantly question their competency.

— If their abuser tells them they are in the wrong, they will beat themselves up about it, even if they were in the right… or there was no ‘right or wrong’ answer, just a difference of opinion.

— They will let their abuser make a lot of big life decisions for them, like becoming poly or returning back to monogamy.

— They walk on egg shells around their abuser and / or are trying to constantly appease or please them.

— They back up their abuser’s lies and often gaslight themselves, re-narrativizing experiences based on what their abuser encourages or wants them to believe.

This can be really painful to watch, especially if one of your partners is the victim of this kind of abuse. It’s truly hard to know what to do. Just realize that if this abusive relationship pre-dates your relationship (and it usually does), you voicing your concerns about the situation might be perceived as a threat to their relationship — and you will most likely be dumped.

How do you know when you’re being gaslighted? You feel crazy, like you can’t trust your own memory, thoughts or perceptions AND /OR You begin to feel like you need to record your conversations with someone in order to prove what was really said or done.

If you feel this way in any relationship, please seek outside help. You are worth it.

ONE PARTNER IS CO-DEPENDENT WITH THE OTHER

When you witness that level of emotional abuse, there’s usually some level of co-dependency going on. Co-dependency is a very misunderstood topic, which I talk more about here.

A person with co-dependent tendencies seeks out dependent partners who are addicted, suffering from poor mental health, immature, irresponsible, and/or under-achieving. They gravitate towards people who are low-functioning so they can feel needed and have a sense of control by taking care of someone who they believe can’t take care of themselves.

Co-dependents don’t help people get better; they enable their self-destructive behavior instead.

When your partner is co-dependent with a partner who exhibits dependent, low-functioning or just plain toxic traits, this can really negatively impact and limit your relationship with them.

Signs your partner may be co-dependent with one of their partners:

— They almost always put one of their partners’ wants and needs over their other partners, other family members, children, and often themselves.

— They enable their abuser’s unhealthy behavior, be it selfishness, addiction, under-achievement, etc.

— They like taking care of their abuser and will often take on their share of responsibilities, so the abuser can do whatever they please.

— They get angry at you if you expect the other person to compromise, start pulling their fair share, or cease abusive and/or destructive behavior.

— They cover for or take responsibility for their abuser’s actions and mistakes. Their abuser can do no wrong.

— They are either vocally or secretly bitter about doing all the work in the relationship.

— They might express their resentment passive-aggressively by cheating (breaking a relationship agreement).

— They want you to also enable their dependent partner’s toxic behaviors and walk on egg shells with them too.

A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER TELLS YOU YOUR PARTNER OR META IS TOXIC

If someone who knows your partner or meta well, comes to you and warns you that you’re being used or the person you’re dealing with is toxic, listen.

This is the biggest red flag of all.

When reading this long, long list of red flags, remember everyone acts negatively sometimes. No one’s perfect all of the time, including you. We’re all guilty of lying, projecting, of letting our insecurities get the best of us…

So, DON’T take a few instances of poor behavior and start running and screaming for the hills.

DO pay attention to peoples’ pattern of behavior in context. Do they exhibit a lot of these behaviors or just a couple? Were they acting this way when they were going through a major life crisis — or is this the way they act normally?

Also, ask yourself, what are your personal deal breakers? What kind kind of behavior are you willing to tolerate — and what are you not? You might be okay with someone who needs excessive attention and admiration — or who is arrogant. And that’s okay, if you’re okay with it.

But for the vast majority of people, just being exposed to a quarter of these traits can be emotionally damaging, even devastating.

Just know what’s right for you. Feel free to set boundaries with these people, distance yourself, and even exit the relationship if it becomes too toxic for you.

You don’t have to put up with abuse in order to be polyamorous, be it from a partner or a partner’s partner. You don’t have to be codependent with someone toxic, just because your partner is willing to endure it.

This is where self-care, having strong boundaries and putting yourself first really applies: protecting yourself from harmful people and situations.