Reflections in Recovery
Did I tell you I got the nod from 2Pac? I was in Lane County Jail, 21 days for a DUII conviction, 24 years old. We just had a bunk search, so everything in our cramped existence was tossed, inspected and searched thoroughly. We all stood annoyed but anxiously watched.
Finally, we got to return and nest back into our certain spots. Mine was the bottom bunk against the farthest wall from the door. I half dove in and rolled into place. I was laying there in thoughts of desperately wanting out of this female enclave that was actually bringing out my mind fuck crazy, and then I thought I saw something.
I questioned myself immediately, I mean they had literally turned everything upside down or inside out, but no, I was right I saw something. It was in the top right corner of the conjoining bunks, it was white and paper. I thought “No way these fools missed something, what could it possibly be? Probably drugs.”. I used my nail to scratch at it, and worked it away from the metal. It was 2Pac!!!!!!
If you know 2Pac like I know him this was ultimately as religious of an experience I could ever hope for in that moment. Some incarcerated goddess before me had managed to ever so carefully conceal 2Pac. I got a rush. I had a flood of emotion come over me and instant joy, relief for those moments, I was free inside my being. I was granted the gift one so easily looses once that door shuts and locks behind you, and no one opens it back up exclaiming “Just Kidding, got Ya good didn’t I”; I was given HOPE.
2Pac is a symbol of hope, he is the epitome of self expression, not paying attention to what others think or societal conditions or values. He speaks his truth from his experience and spreads his message poetically. He was a prophetic, prolific visionary. He opens minds and enigmatically uses his voice(one of my goals).
So, back to HOPE, mine has been a little shaky lately. I get bogged down in depression, or symptoms of PTSD hold me rigidly inside so I stow away from the world for a 24 hour chunk of time. Others may call it isolating,😁. And yes I know all of the suggestions…call someone, get to a meeting, just get your ass up! Well in my moments of listless depletion I am also in the throes of sorrow. This is most likely the part of the disease of addiction mind you, the self loathing.
Here is my old familiar niche, my mind convinces me, I have a thousand and one things to validate that feeling. Please believe this recovering addict has been threw the ringer, in the ring, bloodied and maimed in this arena with victims and scars in respect to the above mentioned. Now, unfortunately, a couple decades under this middleweight belt. War stories for days, if I could just remember them all.
I am aware this must change as it is a warning sign and trigger for relapse and putting it out there helps. So that is when my hope waivers, when I remind myself of all the wreckage and missed opportunities, wasted time and life. I have got to learn to reach out and get out of my head, out of my own way. It’s a death trap in there I tell Ya.
I haven’t written in as bit because my voice has been stuck inside a little and the longer that lasts the more I question my value and my abilities, too nervous to post. As I am writing this I am happy to say I am clean and SOBER 34 days! I have continued in a wonderful outpatient program and bought a green and yellow NA workbook, to work my steps.
Today I am on the watch for ideas, words, quotes, messages and people who strengthen my HOPE. Plan on calling my Sponsor, which is outta character for me, my determination is aching for discipline.
With that, Higher Power may I please have another 24? And thank you for all you have provided for me thus far!!