Reflections in Recovery


I don’t know if you woke up with a brain that wants to kill you, but every addict can safely assure you, “I did!”. This truly is a cunning baffling thang. I am powerless, I must surrender and abstain from all mind altering substances. ‘Cept caffeine, for now anyway!

I have been struggling with this since age 15, although I knew I was an alcoholic before I ever took a sip, just knew. That was normal for my family, alcohol and chaos, hand in hand, double fisted I jest. We learn what we live, and it wasn’t all bad, but it was always present, a way of life, our normal. I am not here to speak of my childhood, yet, so no eye rolling por favor.

I finally found the program that I have needed since 2002. It will address addiction, mental health and trauma specific healing. I havent had a place to speak openly, or aside other women with my particular issue and experiences. I am still too guarded and ashamed to mention it yet in these posts, but I will.

It has to be stated at some point cause it is the monster that is so considerate to remind me daily of where I have come from, hell on Earth, that I can promise.

I have been running frantically from the condemnation and it’s persecuting definition for way too freakin’ long. And I know I am not alone in this. Stigma- you bastard!

There is one thing I am certain of though, that life I led for 1 year as a 21 year old woman, was for a gift to others eventually. The only way I can make sense of it is the depth and natural compassion for others I have gained. I know first hand what it is to be exploited, manipulated and raked raw from who you are or whom you are suposed to be. Turned inside out and stripped, doesn’t begin to describe it, I can promise that as well.

Unresolved issues, check. Unexpressed anger, check. Shallowed, unavailable self worth, checkity check check! Unforgiving, unrelenting self sabotaging mission, you guessed it, fill it in and now I’ve gone blank. Blanketed with a surge that says, leave the lid for Pandora to open later girl, and I shall.

So positive Pollyanna where did you go?? Oh, Hello! I have never quit searching, quit reaching or scrawling for more. Better. Different. A transformative successful mountain top to stand upon and beam, full on purple cape waving proudly. And why?

I feel it in my bones, ever so slightly out of reach, but I hear the beckon. I smell the essense of a lavender peace, I taste the satisfaction available, I gain the touch of acceptance and I hear “SURVIVOR!” chant my name.

I am steady grabbing hold of the floating objects pieced out from my soul, the day for me to regain consciousness and a full reckoning is dancing in delight and I am the Hunter, in this game of life.

Spongebob said it first, but I concur, “I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!”.

20 days clean and SOBER, I’ll take you on 24 hours, ready and valliant!

Have a couple meetings to catch up on for 90 and 90, just don’t count this chick out!

J.

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