Reflections in Recovery
Aye yi yi. So last night was one if those ego trips. My brain will incessantly review the entire day and analyze each second of conversation, each action, decisiob and bodily movement and harass me about how stupid it was or I was in each moment. Then the circle of “Whys” come barreling down and the Middle of the night lashing begins. You f***ing idiot, what the **** were you thinking, what flipping idiot would.... Oh right your stupid ass. And on and on and on all throughout the night tossing and turning.
Now this little lovely character is relentless and out for blood, taking chunks from any confidence I may or may not of had in the first place and stripping them away. It puts me back in my imagined place, a worthless idiotic disgusting jackasses whom everyone else must just tolerate.
This is part of my sickness, part of what is called a disease. And I am feeling (this morning anyway) that this is part of the self centeredness of the disease.
So my goal for today is to stay out of my head and reach out my with my ears and willingness to be of service to others. No joke, that may sound all rainbows and butterflies but it is one of the suggestions and practices of the AA NAprograms..... Service work.
Someone told me to throw myself in the middle of recovery, and I am Jedi mind forcing myself away from my internal ickiness and into Pollyanna positiveness. Yeah right we will go with making some coffee and cleaning up after today’s meeting.... Prescription for affirmations all day long, cause it’s a battle to convince myself of worthiness and change my thinking, but I choose to fight! Yes cheeseball I know but many pep talks are.
P.S. I was a butthead with my self righteous reference yesterday, I had been hide chapped and reacted instead of responded. I apologize
