Your Wife, the Alien

Is your wife an alien? Most likely, yes.

Not an “alien” alien, mind you. She — hopefully — won’t come bursting out of your chest, full of blood and guts. But she does have 7 things that qualify her as an extra-terrestrial creature in my (made up) book.

Here they are, in no particular order:

1) She sings in the shower, when nobody is listening. It’s how she communicates with her own planet.

2) She does not get maps. Because they’re not from her planet.

3) She loves Johnny Depp. He’s actually an alien too, which she gravitates to —this explains the weird Tim Burton characters (and the slurring).

4) She speaks a foreign language. Not as in speaking French, or Arabic, but listen to her speaking to other wives, and it is nearly incomprehensible.

5) She doesn’t “think” things; she “feels” them. So, no matter how many times you try to explain yourself, using your Earthly logic and arguments, it’s not gonna work. She knows better. Even when she doesn’t. She still does. Just accept it’s a losing battle. Nodding is your friend :)

6) She will love you for the craziest things, as long as she’s happy. Her sense of well-being is paramount, as this planet is just a fun ride for her. Not A Game, or a set of challenges — like it is for us, lowly men. You can be a painter, and architect, a hedge-fund investor, or even a serial killer*. As long as you give her a range of emotions with happiness coming on top, she’s (seemingly) yours.

7) She collects mementos. Memories of previous boyfriends (but not ex-husbands. Those are failed experiments, and thus get burned). Part of her research on Men, to be taken for further analysis in her home planet.

Finally, she is your alien. So, despite all these cute, weird things, we love them (and are a bit scared of them). Keep her happy, and she will make your life more cosmically worthy, beautiful and interesting.

*Don’t be a serial killer.