Weaving a Life

Maya Lopez
Sep 4, 2018 · 4 min read

A journey of realizations

From a young age, my mother taught me to be curious; she taught me to allow myself to dream. As a child, everything was intriguing. The flash of a camera, the clicks of fingers on a keyboard. I wanted to know everything about, well, everything. I have never been afraid of getting in trouble, I stuck my nose into my family’s business as if I was a curious puppy. The puppy in the photo is Midge, a Labrador with fur as golden as the sun, and curiosity cascading from her eyes. The camera in front of her is calling her name, begging her to inspect it, and she obliges. A natural curiosity, a lively one. A curiosity indiscernible to mine. Without a care in the world, I would run to my mother and ask “Why?” over and over again. “Why is the sky blue, why are some floors hard, and others soft? Why do I have brown hair and eyes?” One question came up more than others, and although it fell through the cracks, I persisted. “Why isn’t my daddy here with us?” I found myself composing elaborate personas, deciding for myself who my father was, when my mother hid his existence in the shadows. This induced a creative element in me to go along well with my already curious persona, so not only would I ask “Why?” I would try to find the answer to every single question.


As I am preparing myself to enter adulthood, my mind’s focus is shifting. Instead of asking, I am becoming the question. My words float off the page, into a child’s ready gaze, into their heart. I am weaving myself a life. In the photo, there is a solitary spider building her home in a world that is continually against her. No matter what, this spider will persevere. Her home will be demolished, degraded, decimated, and still she prevails. Her web is the hand that feeds her, it gives her warmth, shelter from the unknown. As it spirals out, she will have to enter the unknown, she will set aside her fears of larger things and continue to expand it. This spider is me. I am weaving my life, making it my own, hoping and praying that I will give myself sustenance, not only in my life, but in all the things around me. I am smaller than everything around me. I am smaller than the universe, than time. I am smaller than the forces that connect our lives like silk, and yet, I am making myself bigger by the minute. I am riding the winds of life. I am creating myself, and I am causing another child to ask “Why?”.


I imagine myself undaunted by the world when I settle down. I will no longer feel the sense of longing I used to have for my father, for I know that it’s silly to miss someone you never knew. I will be wiser, but I will still have a youthful twinkle in my eye as I tell stories of the life I used to live. My words will be spun into cotton candy clouds, fading into the night sky as my eyes twinkle like the stars. The mountains in the photo are Mount Cobb and Mount Konocti, taken from my house in Clear Lake that my mother and stepfather bought when I was fourteen. I know I will always come back here, back to the fresh air and pesky mosquitoes. I’ve always loved the water, nature will continue to be the most important thing in my life. I grew up in the forests and lakes of California, and when I finally settle down again I will undoubtedly be surrounded by the chirps of crickets in the night and the wind’s music gliding through the trees around me. The lights on the horizon have me playing connect the dots, still formulating shapes and ideas like my mind did long ago. I will no longer be afraid of the unknown. I will no longer need to weave my life together. I will allow myself, my heart, to finally be at peace, and most importantly, I will know why.

Maya Lopez

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