Most of us have been indoctrinated into the idea that being in a monogamous relationship that leads to marriage, buying a house, and having kids is the rite of passage into adulthood. This “relationship escalator” is reinforced by your parents, friends, and everyone around you, pressuring you to take it to the next level. Those who step off the escalator, stay in place (e.g. dating for years without engagement), or move downward (e.g. divorce) are shunned in society as having failed at life. Furthermore, we believe that going upwards in the escalator will bring us fulfillment, happiness, and that we will be enough in the eyes of our partner, family, and friends. We will finally “make it”.
Of course, this is far from the truth. Most of us play this game and get to the top of the escalator to find that there is nothing there. There is no rain of happiness. There is no sense of accomplishment. Just more steps.
I have been trapped in this mindset. I assumed a Prince Charming will come and bring me fulfillment. I knew that relationships are hard work and ended up bending over backwards to make my relationships work, but at the sacrifice of my own freedom and agency. I was trapped in the cage I built around myself, feeling guilty about my own desires and building up resentment for my partner until one day the relationship combusted into flames.
At the beginning of 2018, I started dating for the first time in my life. And due to a string of happenstances, ended up dating multiple people simultaneously: some identifying as polyamorous, some long distance, some casual, and some attempted to be serious. I learned a lot about relationships and more importantly, how to have a better relationship with myself.
Polyamory
I was exposed to polyamory through a few people I dated and from several friends (few of them even married). While there are many flavors, the main definition seem to be tiered in hierarchies of having a primary relationship of two and then secondary relationships either with the primary couple together or separately with each individual. This format more characteristically mimics a normal relationship with additional relationships on the side. This allows each individual to fulfill parts that the primary relationship may be lacking, whether it be the need for exploration or to connect on hobbies. Poly couples need extremely good communication and negotiation of each person’s needs, otherwise conflicts could arise rapidly due to jealousy, feeling of abandonment, or misalignment of expectations. Some couples prefer to incorporate people they know so that there’s trust, while others seek to meet people outside of their existing social circles. The biggest challenge is getting out of the monogamous mindsets and it is extremely difficult to date someone who is not comfortable with polyamory to expect them to be ok with it.
While I am increasingly becoming open to the idea of having a polyamorous relationship, at the moment, I have not committed to a primary relationship. So, I explored other formats.
Relationship Anarchy
On the opposite side of polyamory, which has rules and structures, relationship anarchy is the complete destruction of relationship norms. The idea is that you can create any form of relationship with anyone and that each relationship is its own thing. There is no preference between partners and expectations are defined by the individuals in each relationship. There is no clear primary partner that other relationships center around. There is just you and your relationships to any number of other people to any degree that is agreed upon.
In many ways this resonates with me better while I am exploring and learning from different relationships. But this spurred a question: what qualifies as dating and why do we want to date?
Non-Romantic Life Partners
Other than sex, relationships provide companionship, support, co-creation, comfort, etc. Can you have all the latter things without sex? Can you have deep friendships that satisfy everything that a romantic relationships provides? Why do we not define these friend relationships and not openly discuss commitments and expectations with them?
I realized that I have a non-romantic life partnerships with a roommate. We have talked about this relationship and know that we are there for each other. We make a commitment to each other to be in each others’ lives.
Solo Polyamory
Finally, I have come to define my current relationship status as “solo polyamory” because it resonates with me more than any other definition. Having focused much of this year on self-development and wanted to regain my sense of agency, solo poly focuses the individual as the center of the relationship, instead of a primary couple. Furthermore, it allows for multiple defined relationships that have more commitment than the “just dating”, but less expectation that may suffocate myself or my partners. Like relationship anarchy, there is no need to define hierarchy between relationships, except for keeping in mind that self-love is the primary focus. While this may sound selfish to some, cultivating self-love and agency is the basis of building great relationships with others. To others, this sounds like “just dating”, which I agree with. This framework works best for me because I too easily get lost in relationships and need to remind myself to prioritize my own needs.
No matter how you define your relationship(s), you must know yourself, your desires, and express yourself. You are allowed to not be defined and constrained by other people’s expectations. You are allowed to prioritize yourself. You are allowed to love and be loved.
